Last Night

This was originally a prompt given by my senior creative writing teacher. The prompt was to simply begin your story with the phrase "Where were you last night" and to see where it would end up.

“Where were you last night?” I tasted sour in my mouth as my stomach burned and contorted. One sentence and no name, but it wouldn’t have taken a genius to figure out who it was from. I laid the letter back down onto the nightstand and grabbed my bags. I knew I should have left as soon as the moment presented itself, but I was selfish. “One more night in town” I thought. “What could go wrong? Besides, they were miles away.” I had held up in a dumpy no name motel for the night, hoping that they would lose me. Apparently, they hadn't.

It was as good a time as any to leave, but there I stood. Pacing. “Where would I go? What do I say if they were to confront me?” It’s not like I could just pull twenty grand from the backside of my pants on a whim. And it’s not like I would get a chance to explain myself before they would blow me away. Tearing myself from the state of paranoia, I carried my legs toward the door, the cheap carpet grasping at my socks, begging me to stay in the room. Where at least I had the illusion of safety to comfort me.

The door handle shone a vibrant red and blue under the neon lights outside my window, but despite its allure I stood motionless once again, hesitant to proceed any further. The fear of the inevitable against the fear of the possible had finally overtaken my will to stay. I gave in and with one simultaneous motion I had thrown the door open and tossed my shoes onto my feet.

Each step I took toward my car crushed a new shoe print against the snow and drew me deeper into the night. “ I should have parked closer.” I thought, scorning myself. The winter air began to seep through the opening in my clothes and poured into my shoes. For but a moment the dark of night would fade as the neon sign breathed behind me, giving a dim light to the parking lot ahead. My walk turned into a jog and my jog turned into a sprint as a mix of paranoia and the threat of hypothermia propelled me to the door of my car. As I grabbed the keys from my pocket the neon sign let out another breath. In the corner of my eye, I had caught a streak of white upon the car handle.  Emblazoned into the steel gray door of my car was one word. “LIAR”. My mind began to race and my heart lept from my chest as I fumbled for my car keys once again.

I took the keys from my pocket and in a fleeting moment of triumph, I unlocked my car. It was still cold, but the interior was far warmer than the bitter winter night that resided outside. I felt safe again and started the car. The engine sputtered to life and I fell away as the shot from the man in the backseat flew through my chest.

Author's Note

I am open to any criticism. I am mainly focused on structure, tense, grammar, and if it was something that you enjoyed reading. I do not want to make it a chore for anybody to read my work. I do personally like the story and how it works, but I believe that the ending is cliche and too predictable. This will be fixed if anybody makes a request of me to do so. I really do hope that you enjoyed, as this is my first piece of work for this school year.

Reviews

[Chris]

The trouble with "cliche" ISN'T that it is bad... just that it's USED a lot. I read this AS a story from line one... if multiple pages had been involved I may not have finished it. Why? I looked toward a reason to care - that is how reading works for me - and the WANT to wasn't real strong EXCEPT to see where a new author was taking his thoughts.

Both prose and poetry have to draw AND somehow hold the mind BEHIND your eyes and sometimes even perfection don't hack it - ya know? And the BEST isn't about "tricks" - it IS about readers caring enough to listen and have a need AND desire to turn a page. Think toward keeping IT (whatever your "IT" might be) real, especially if the work is ANY sort of fiction (or even a non-fiction piece). And I used "real" in our everyday conversational mode - chuckling here.

[Chase Weik]

This was probably the most helpful advice or comment or whatever you want to call it that I have ever received. That meant a whole lot for somebody like yourself to go through and read what I wrote. Thank you

[Stan Lee]

Oh man! What just happened! Why did he/she just get shot in the chest? Wow! Heaps of suspense and lots of vivid descriptions. This is a great piece of writing. Thanks for sharing! :)

[Chase Weik]

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I'm glad that you enjoyed it! I really did enjoy writing this piece so I really appreciate that people are liking it.

[calli]

I Like This,I'd Love To Read More. I agree with the other reviews,It was very exciting.

[Chase Weik]

Thank you so much for the feedback! I have another story coming up this Friday and I'm putting a little more time into that one. Thanks again!

[calli]

No problem (:

[D Connolly]

As the previous reviewer mentioned, a reader needs a reason to keep reading, and I didn't care about the character. That being said, this is a half page story, and honestly, I liked it. I wasn't forced through an entire book, and when I imagined the situation, it was exciting. Who is after him? Why does he owe them money? Will he make it to the car? Hmmm, maybe I do care about the character a little! LOL! I do like the wording of the last sentence too. It's as if I'm being pulled and pushed away at the same time, like whiplash (in a good way)

[Chase Weik]

Thank you so much for reading my work! I'm so glad that you like it! I'm writing another short story now actually and I'll try to make the character better known to the reader. Thank you so much for the review!