Nightfall

A short, dark poem. About a depression I felt as a 16 year old.

Nightfall

Chaz Hemsworth

 

The night is coming, let it not be late

The night is coming, let it bring forth Fate.

The night is coming, it will not be late.

 

The sun is falling

The raven is calling

The moon will slowly rise

Night hates those who of Fate despise.

 

The night is coming, I hope it not be late

The night is coming, let it bring forth my fate.

The night is coming, I will not be late.

 

The shadows are spreading

As the world is turning

The hands around the rope are tying

The body in the noose is falling.

 

The night has come, it was not late

The night has come, it has brought me my fate.

The night has come, I was not late.

Reviews

[Cody]

Great descriptions throughout this poem.
I read your bio before starting the poem - am I right in assuming that the raven was slide in there as a metaphor for your love for Poe?

I don't like the repeating stanzas, so I'd fix that, if anything. The repetition is nice, but as a reader of the poem... it makes me skip over it the second and third time. At first it's like... "Ah, nice descriptions... I'm there!" but then it's redundant to me. (Redundant might be too harsh of a word, but know that I mean the best.) The repetition in this form somewhat sets up this poem to become a song.

Keep writing. I like this.

[Kurayami]

I like this poem. You are very good at writing poetry, I can never get my poems to rhyme no matter what.

[Raven Madd]

A very good dark write, with lovely structure and rhythm flow. It paints a picture with it's descriptive words and sets the scene well with an atmosphere of darkness.

[Rogie-Dodge]

Quoth the raven :D :D "Why is a raven like a writing desk?" because there is an 'n' in neither and a 'b' in both.

I love the image of everything else continuing while you are coming to an end.

You might like my song "Falling" btw http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/roger_onslow/1282533/

[ferousfinite]

A very good attempt and constructive repetition. Consider a 5 quatrain stanza instead of a 5 trio stanza. I like this piece. Well done!

[cycy]

"The shadows are spreading
As the world is turning
The hands around the rope are tying
The body in the noose is falling."
-wow, this is really intense, i love the way you rhymed through it and the bit about the night is also quite intriguing. great poem, well written.

[Average person]

imaginative and I love the rhyme scheme :) nice job!

[Argonaut1]

It's a darkly beguiling poem, Chaz. Really rich stuff. There's pain here, but I sense a deep loss too. The hardest thing about depression is feeling lost, like you're swimming or wading in an ocean with no land in sight. You call a lot of things into question about yourself and you end up losing yourself somewhere down the line. This unfortunately can lead to extreme consequences, suicide being the most extreme.

But I feel it's important to find yourself again. You have to do this for things to get better. I know this, because I went through something similar at your age. You have to go on a bit of a journey to get there, but if you keep going, letting the winds carry you without losing your feet, you will make it. Depression is tough and sometimes it comes back to us like long forgotten friends begging us to notice them, but will we listen?

Anyway, enough of that, this is a great read not just because of the repetition, but also because it builds. It builds slowly at first like a dull ring, but then gradually crescendos towards the end, almost madly. And what's great is that you start and end with the same stanza, but with a small twist at the end that signifies finality.

I love lines with fantastic imagery like "shadows are spreading," "The sun is falling." "The raven is calling," all great ones because they really create your mood, which in this case is very, very dark. A line that really grabbed me was "Night hates those who of Fate despise." I'm sure a reviewer has already commented on something like that, but that's something that many people with depression have experienced. They feel that the world is all in shades of blue, black, and grey all the time, that is a very real and human experience and you nailed it. Great job and don't stop writing! It is the light in the darkness.

[Tina Kline]

Being depressed is like being trapped in the night all the time. And then suicide comes creeping in to steal the suffer away.

Excellent write on this dark condition so many have suffered and many most likely will in the future.

[Sami Khalil]

This was a good write...Thank you for sharing...:)............