Prologue

A Chapter by ChloMatkin

I may add more to this, or leave it as a short prologue - not sure yet

It’s dark, cold and bitter. I’m lay beneath the sky - its 12AM, the stars and moon above are glistening. Trees, animals, insects no doubt, surround me. You’re probably wondering what I’m doing lay under the sky at 12AM, why despite the bitterness of the air around me I’m still lay here. Well, I’m here because I’ve always been curious as to what it would be like - you always see it in the movies, it’s meant to be breathtaking, beautiful, peaceful… well I can tell you now, that’s bullshit.

To be honest I’m rather tired of being lied to, not only by the movies, by my friends, by my family, by the government. I’ve come to realise that in this day and age lying has become engrained into our human instincts. During the Stone Age, humans relied on their fight or flight instincts in order to ensure safety, this has been replaced with the art of lying. We all do it, and I’m not going to sit here and say I have never lied before; I lie to myself and those around me every day, and have done so for several years. What I’m saying is, it’s a shame we, as a race, have succumbed to this.

I know it’s rather irrational me taking this from my experience lay beneath the sky at 12AM, and realizing it’s not what the movies made it out to be, but don’t worry, there’s plenty more of that in store. I have always been an emotional person. I have always struggled with controlling my emotions; they tend to develop and spread like a blazing Australian wildfire. It’s the overthinking, and I’m sure you understand this concept greatly. I’m a sucker for it; I play out every eventuality that could possibly be reached from any situation. You could say it’s due to my overactive imagination - always painting some bright and unlikely eventuality. But you could also say that this is what being a teenager is all about. However for most of my teenage years, I had always felt like an outcast. Like there was something about me that separated me from the rest. I felt abnormal.

Here’s the situation; I’m gay.

To me a tiny little sentence like that feels like a bombshell, to you, maybe not so much. Times have changed, something like that isn’t such a big deal anymore. People are much more educated on the matter, its no longer frowned upon, or illegal for that matter. So I guess you could say I’ve had it easy, however it’s never really felt as though I have. This is what I have been lying about for many years now.

My point is; my response to a potentially harmful experience wasn’t really one I am proud of. I done what everyone else is doing these days; I lied. It occurred to me that this is the way in which I have led my life, I have resorted to lying in order to protect myself and I wish we, as a species, could survive and thrive without feeling the dire need to lie and cheat our way through life. I came to this conclusion through many different experiences, but my struggle with my sexuality has been the most important. It has led me to desire a more fulfilling, and honest life. This is my journey of self-discovery and acceptance.

This all started in year nine; after a year of failed relationships, each of which I come to the sad realization that I didn’t feel anything towards the boy I was with. I had many attempts, as at first I thought it was just the one. I’d gotten to year 9 when I finally realized that I was finding girls attractive and therefore came to the conclusion that this was why I didn’t feel anything towards any of the boys I had been with.

Despite this, I entered yet another relationship with a boy.