My Friend..

2013 FF Oneshot

I told to myself rather than her face, Don’t cry, because it doesn’t suit you. Cry, because it’s best to let out your pain---don’t keep it in because you’ll burst one day with unexpected raging emotion---cry, because you’re still able to.

When those tears disappear, it’ll be because you have none left.

That is a lie.

You’ve cried, grieved, agonized, that much that you can no longer express it in tears? Yet the sorrow lingers in your eyes, and in your mien. You can no longer smile with true happiness, and yet, there is so much to be joyful of. So I wonder, why do we focus on one thing? A single event in our lives that seems to haunt us, remind us of some failing, or flaw in this sole life we have? Or of ourselves, others…? Or maybe it was more than once.

Nonetheless it is a strange thing indeed, because I have no answers, nor do I ask because I’m curious. All I know is that you’re crying, and for some reason. I want to cry too. But I can’t. Because I have to stay strong for you.

All this time, the years I’ve known you. It has been you who’s taught me how to smile, see the positive in life with your friendly and optimistic personality. Not annoyingly bubbly or gregarious, just simply kind, understanding, and patient.

How we ever became friends, I don’t know. I’d like to think I became a little like you. Cheerful, relatively calm, and somehow knowing what to do and say at the right time.

It felt almost like a crime that we became friends - you could’ve chosen anyone; I’m sure they wouldn’t make a fuss.

Now I’m not saying that I’m some lonesome depressing person---do I sound like that? I guess I do, but I guess it’s just because I’m feeling sort of down at the moment, telling you this. I was just unsure of all this, of life. Warm people, cold people, distant ones… Who was I? My brother’s little sister, my parent’s child, your friend? I just went with the crowd, neither an outcast nor in the clique. Just a bystander, onlooker, observer.

Everyone is so different from each other. Those like me who went with the flow, when alone or with their friends, would softly smile at some little joke of theirs, fading away so quickly no one could catch unless they turned their head just so, and at the right moment, or say something witty for a publicly dull person, is an amazing doodler, ambidextrous…

Who was who?

Did they wear a masque, or did they present their true selves? Most likely somewhere in between, changing, adapting to their surroundings.

You never changed your colors for anyone else. And I knew from the moment I met you, you would get hurt. Not because others will take advantage of your honesty. You were too smart for that. Not because you were too kind. You could be harshly blunt at times, but only when the situation called for it.

I only know this because when one gives their heart away, even if just a portion, it’s liable to be shattered. If that happens…for some it makes them stronger, for others it breaks them. It all depends how much of your heart you give.

For someone as tactful and astute as you, I never believed you would entrust so much to one person. Then again, isn’t that what love is? And then again, it’s different for everyone.

You loved him, he loved you. Who knew it would come to this. Him, her, him, and him, and her. No one ever knew. You. I. The world. This is life. Beautiful, so very beautiful. But as you quoted, harsh and unforgiving. …And yet so loving. So…everything. All because that’s who we are. Different yet similar.

Your very words.

But they failed you.

Today.

You lost everything. Everything important to you.

I wouldn’t know how that feels. I have an idea. But even then, even if that were to happen to me, our emotions would not correlate. Similar, but different.

And so I stand.

By myself.

Finally.

At your side without feeling like I don’t belong. Because I’m grateful to you. I’m glad to have met you, known you for all these years. I probably would be even if it had been a just a month. Either way, because of you, I’m able to look at the world with fresh eyes. I never disliked it, I never loved it. It just was. But you helped me look at life in detail, at the fine strokes and specks, from a distance, the forest, or not caring about the forest and just being aware.

I hope someday I can be like that to others I meet as well. But for now… I’ll just stay by your side a little longer. And help you this one time, for all the times you’ve helped me, and I never could return the favor.

Cheer up. Stay strong. I won’t cry because you need me not to cry. Even though it pains me, it’ll hurt you even more if I do.

Perhaps I’m too sentimental? Says I with a laugh.

But really.

Like I said before. Giving your heart to others, big or small, or none at all. I don’t believe one can only give it to one existence alone. Soulmates or not, it just doesn’t seem possible that you or someone else hasn’t touched another’s life. So a fragment here, a fragment there, and your heart spreads, grows.

And so I’ll keep this little shard of your heart, and safeguard that one bit you gave to me so it doesn’t break, but glow. So even if it’s just a tiny bit, one day I’ll see you shine once more. 

Until we meet again, you’ll always be, my friend.

Author's Note

I'm uploading old work yet again for a website link. This was also an FF, but it honestly doesn't follow the character very well as he/she was used as a basis of inspiration. Thus, this could also describe anyone's friendship.