Happy Medium

What i learned in a program. From 4/1/14

I Learned a lot from the program today, I learned that i'm going through a trans-formative phase of my life right now. From being a lazy, out of shape, piece of crap to a better person.

By walking, eating smaller portions, nurturing myself with fruits, vegetables and keeping an open mind. I'm starting to find the inner humorous, kind, gentle soul of a giant, i'm meant to be.

My Mom is a major trigger, for my eating addiction, I love her, but she has a lot of her own baggage and she tries to give it to me(metaphorically speaking).

I want my own life, where i'm not nagged for something that happened to her, or whatever the true nature of her problems stem from. I feel smothered, living with her and my step-dad, to make matters worse they both give me second hand smoke.

I'm Finding my inner strength, faith and the ability to let others back into my life. I Just wish my Mom could layoff and find her own self again, instead of living through me, my step-dad and her family/friends.

She's been through so much trauma in her life, that's it's hard for her to except her inner strength and beauty that me and my Step-Dad see.

Everyone else notices it, but it's like she's scared to be okay or let herself be joyful. I Learned I may have been dealing with some form of p.t.s.d. due to the traumas in my life, it took a program with understanding people for the light bulb to go off in my head.

I'm willing to fight for a balance of give and take now. I realize now, that making sure everyone else was okay and forgetting about myself was unhealthy.

Tonight my Step-Dad, made homemade chicken soup, it came out really good. I Did my laundry and continued to clean my man cave/basement office.

I brought up my folded clothes and put them away, while they were out at multiple stores. When i went to bring up my hamper and second load of folded clothes, I nearly fell straight on my face, head first.

I Got very frustrated as no one came to check on me to see if i was alright. I talk a lot about wanting Independence and Freedom, however a counselor at the program, made me see i need a happy medium.

To get this happy medium, I have to continue working on myself, but also be willing to ask for a helping hand. I have a voice and I'm starting to use it again. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Me and one of my good friends, used to ask how are you, Good or S.S.D.D.(Same Sh*t Different Day), and i want a happy medium of that.

Instead I WILL speak my mind and also accept advice from others. Other people may perceive my situation is a simple fix or I do this, well i'm a very intelligent person, and sometimes my pride gets in the way of healing.

I Believe in many Gods or a Higher Power, if you will. It's time for me to live my life and forgive myself and others who may have harmed me. Whether, on purpose or because they were also hurting, or living in a dark hole some where instead of living life to the fullest.

Setting Small, Medium and Large goals has to truly help me keep my mind a less unstable mess. Learning to express myself in a healthy way was/is my biggest obstacle. With the support of friends, family and support programs, i truly believe i can do anything.

I've done a lot of starting and stopping, but never getting to the finish line, so to speak. Whether it be college, jobs or romantic relationships. I finally admitted out loud today that i have
commitment issues and procrastination is another hurdle.

I've always wanted to fit in with everyone, and in doing so my true self wasn't shining through.

I've done this for so long, that i started to lose myself and try to be what i perceived everyone else wanted me to be. Well no more of that B.S., I WILL speak my mind and stand up for myself.

Friends, Family and a health lifestyle will keep me on the path to my the future I've always dreamed of. Remembering to R-E-S-P-E-C-T yourself, and others needs is where you find that happy medium. It's a constant battle in my mind, I can be happy as a pig in sh*t, then fall down, but now I see, I have many friends and family willing to stand by me.

I'm no longer afraid to dust myself off and get right back on the righteous path any more. I need to use healthier coping skills, instead of the ones that lead me to the black hole that is my depressed side.

I've had many girlfriends in my life, but when i was probably too young to understand them. My parents didn't weren't the best teachers in that department, as their parents before them weren't either. So, they couldn't teach me how to handle or see a healthy relationship, from an unhealthy one.

Like other forms of life, i guess practice makes perfect. You may like/love a girl, but if you're locked away your heart and soul, then you're too blind or ignorant to even know she was right there. I believe in fate, destiny and that good karma brings good karma.

I'm doing a lot of growing up and going through tons of changes in my life, some good, some bad, some scary, etc. I'm now strong enough Mind, Body and Soul that i'm willing to fight for my dreams/passions in life.

I always sign off of social media with "Peace, Love and God Speed", because my heart has been touched by pretty much everyone i've ever met.

I try to give back to society and make this world a better place,whether it be donating to Cancer charities, American Veterans or others. I'm learning now that there are a lot more people like me and that is so refreshing to know.

MLB has started up again, die hard Yankees fan. Spring is finally coming in, so i'm very thankful for the blessings of being a live every day, and still have the will power to fight for myself.

The last thing for today is please open my Mom's and Step-Dad's eyes to the fact that there are good people, they are just blinded by their own insecurities and problems.

To Be Continued. :P