What I've Learned

Help is out there, you just have to have the courage to seek it!

What I've Learned

by DCThree

   4/12/14

Take my own advice, follow through with my plans, Procrastination is my biggest enemy in this fight. I spend so much time trying to fix other(s) problems, that I Block out that I had my own Demons that needed to be exorcised.

I'm only one man, I may enjoy pretending to be a super-hero, but i'm not. If someone doesn't want help, you can't save them, until they are ready to do it for themselves.  Believing one is selfish do to thinking of other needs first, isn't stupid, but it can be very unhealthy.

I spent the better part of 15 years searching for a reason to die, but Today I am proud to say that, I don't want to die. I want to live, I may not know all the world's answers or future questions that may arise. I'm willing to forgive and accept my past and the fact that i can't change it, nobody can.

Control, is a hard word for me, because you can only control yourself, even when you want to fix/control someone else's Demons.  The only thing you can control is, You, You & You; No matter how hard you try, every human and animal for that matter have their own free will.

My Grandma(s) used to say take it one day at a time or live for the moment because who knows if you'll have a tomorrow. I Want a lot of things out of life, I also need to learn patience is a virtue not a curse. Be patient my Mom would always tell me growing up and still sometimes tells me.

On the outside people see some big giant scary guy, but if i'm given the chance, you'll see the Kind, Gentle, Caring, Loving, Humorous soul, that my close friends(which i consider brothers and sisters--Only Child here). It took nearly destroying my liver, by taking too much tylenol because i was in that much emotional pain, that my body just couldn't take it anymore.

Instead of playing the could've, should've, would've, or because I can't, etc. I replaced those beliefs with I Hope, I Will, I Can, I Pray, maybe my destiny is written, but i'm starting to turn an epic tragedy, into a great success story.

I Need to take the step of calling, "Bridging the Gap", as for those of you who don't know. Addiction runs through my family through generations. Now, I'm not addicted to booze or drugs or even cigarettes, no my vice is FOOD.

There are groups like N.A., A.A.,etc. but there are also groups like O.A.(Over Eaters Anonymous) and Alanon(sp..?-Support Group for friends and family of addicts) support groups. I have the fire and passion inside me, but part of me is hiding away still. It all started in high school, people would bully me or treat me differently, or maybe that was my perception or a mixture of all three happened. Anyways, Food has been my vice, drug, crutch, comfort, etc.

Friends, Family, Alive and Dead, I'm sorry, you're not here or if you still are here. I've been a d********g, to some people and worst of all to myself when it comes to mental health or physical health. I've been hurt by loss so many times, I stopped taking risks and just wanted to die.

This is not a goodbye, but a Hello from Curtis G. Willard, Jr., some may know me as Dusty or Curtman or DCThree(Dusty Curtman The 3rd). Before you ask, no I don't have multiple personality disorder, not that i don't feel bad for those people. 

Reader's Digest version, I was given the nickname of Dusty by my Best Friend/Brother, because my all time favorite wrestler is Dusty Rhodes. Curtman comes from a variation of "Cartman" because "South Park" was and still is pretty big for adolescents. The "3rd" comes from my all time favorite Pro Wrestling Manager, Percy Pringle the Third(RIP), but most of you probably know him as of WWF/E's Paul Bearer. I was lucky enough to meat him and "The Undertaker"(Pro Wrestler) at "Stepen's World Of Wheels" back in the day(mid 90s) and got both of there autographs.

Anyways, I find strength through faith and my hobbies. My Hobbies range from Music, Comics, Graphic Novels, Poetry, Video Games, Nature, Walking, Swimming and all of the people that stand/stood by me no matter what.

To the awesome staff at Bristol Hospital and B.H.T.C.C., close friends, my Dad and Step Dad, occasionally my Mom, just wanna say thank you for believing even when i didn't think feeling good was an option.

I'm not perfect, nobody is, but when you learn and except your flaws, I truly believe that's when you begin the process of healing. Transformative Healing or Change(dirty word for some) in my life has brought me new friends, a healthier out look on life and a healthier life overall. I like to use metaphors a lot, well before you become a butterfly, you have to struggle to survive, end up in a cocoon(be patient), then when Mother Nature or God or Gods choose it's your time you become the butterfly for everyone to see.

Everyone is very unique, and special, it would be pretty damn boring if we were all clones or all looked the same right :). 

                                                Meeting Sexy People.

When you learn to except your flaws and strengths, you our using your God(s) Faith and Will Power to fight for yourself and become a survivor, instead of just another victim. The first step is dredging up the courage, will power or whatever you wanna call it, second step is seeking help.

Meeting Your Heroes <--

Everyone has the power in them to Change or Transform, I guess some people(me) need, proof of Love and Trust and then some. Now(4/27), 

I've been walking long walks, for nearly two months and lost a ton of inches and some Lbs.

Anyone else out there run away from their problems, past, present? Me Too, where did that get me, more EX's than i can count, self hatred and loathing. I may sound like a preacher or what have you, but i only speak in truths now. Isolation is never an option, yes every one needs their space and free time, but Isolation is a whole different Demon.

I'll admit right now, i thought if i wore the right clothes or followed trends, people would like me, however there were already tons of people there for me. I was blinded by the monster i saw in the mirror, i'm an only child and that's always bothered me, biologically speaking anyways that is. These close friends, that I have, Have graduated to being my brothers and sisters, because they didn't turn their back on me, they believe in me, even with my past.

Lying for so long, just created this massive Godzilla of self hatred and depression. With the help of talking groups and medication plus the support of my Family, Friends and someday hopefully Wife and Kids. I Believe i can follow my hopes, dreams and desires, by standing up at age 32, i'm taking the control back.

For The First Time in like 15 years, I feel alive again and like my true self.

I'm not depressed, i'm eating smaller portions, walking long walks. I'm open to accepting more people through the locked doors that once were my Heart and Soul.

-TO BE CONTINUED

Thank You,

DCThree

[email protected]

Author's Note

If I have run on sentences please let me know, thanks and have a great day.