Broken Melody II

This is a new version of a poem I wrote when I first joined the cafe, or thereabouts

Softly it murmurs an alluring melody;

She rests her head against the warmth

of its earthly home, as she listens intently to

its seductive song.

 

The music comforts her with beautiful tones;

mysterious compositions of impassioned love

remain locked behind its walls; she searches 

for a key she cannot find.

Standing outside, the silence is deafening;

staring into its windows, she longingly searches

for the sweet sound she so needs to hear again, 

as it draws the curtains. 

Slowly, she turns and walks away, her sorrow hidden

beneath pride; glancing over her shoulder she strains

to hear one last beat, but its music no longer plays

for her.  It is then that she realizes, it never did.

Author's Note

I am rewriting a few old poems, and this is one of them. I see a big difference in my writing style between then and now. The original version is still posted here as well. Feel free to suggest if you see something that needs more work. Improvement is my goal. Thanks!

Reviews

[Touché Armada]

I think of the song symphony of life when I read this, dont know if you know it so here:

"Symphony For Life" sung by Tina Arena...

Stars are shinning in your eyes
And I begin to realise
That our paths through times unbroken
Do you know what it's like
When a mirror never lies
And the truth remands unspoken
And we dance into the fire
'Cause our spirits take us higher
Do you feel me now
Burning like a flame
If you touch me
I may disappear
Floating through your eyes
How do we resist
The gravity of love
In the symphony of life
There's a place I've never been
Where there's angels gathering
and they talk about the future
When the simple things in life
Can do more to satisfy
Let the wisdom be my teacher
You can have all that you desire
But it may not take you higher
Do you feel me now
Burning like a flame
If you touch me
I may disappear����..

I guess its all about what person feels personally, whether its shared or not is almost inconsequential, because we all have out own inner song and music, and unless you happen to be a talented musician or entirely promiscuous its all inner dialogue� you can listen to the birds sing, but they don't sing for us no matter how much we happen to love their twitters, and the same applies to everything around us, part of the orchestra but most people are playing specifically for their conductor and that would be the one with the flashy hand moves. But there is no reason why anyone shouldn't stay around to enjoy the sceptical.
Edit: Oops lol spectacle I meant spectacle.

[Seriana]

Oh gosh girl....I feel a knife!! Ouch ouch ouch! That's so...........painful Dani.
It never played for her. And yet, how desperately we strain and strain, meandering our way through the silence because we are SURE that sound is there. I never read the original (yet), but this was wonderful. :)

[Ralphy]

I would like to have read the original. this is beautiflully written and extremely emotional. I just love the way you capture your audience.

[Antony]

Wow!, this is deep and could have many meanings to what you are so disappointed about, whatever you were seeking........sadly did not happen for you, although at one time you felt that this instrument was being played for you, but as the symphony played on, the conductor couldn't keep these two instruments in harmony and you discovered you weren't playing the same tune after all. I loved everything about this poem.

Tony

[soulsearching]

ending a relationship.... missing the taste, feel, sound the smell, you bring all this to my mind as read through this.. great work as always
tls

[TamiViolet]

This is a sad one, Dani, but then life can be sad. I'm thinking this is about someone searching for love as time moves forward. Finally, the narrator comes to a realization that she has never had what she has been seeking. You are fantastic with analogies, and this one is no exception...a broken melody.

The third stanza really stands out for me, and I can relate to just how deafening silence can be at times.

Also, the final line is exceptional and imagery is intense and creative.

I do see a difference in your writing style, but think that as we change and grow, it is becomes a natural occurrence.

Lovely work, my dear friend :-)
x

[Dalaina Renee]

beautiful poem! I enjoyed this alot!

[darkgurl]

The music comforts her with beautiful tones;
mysterious compositions of impassioned love
remain locked behind its walls; she searches
for a key she cannot find.

I like these lines right here, this is a wonderful write but i also hit a twinge of sadness in it as well, well written...Kim

[Justin Tobey]

Awesome job, Dani! I haven't read the original yet, but after reading this I'll be sure to go find it.

This is incredible! It's so flowing and passionate! You've got incredible imagery and sensory details that make this soft, meaningful piece even better! Excellent! This is definitely my favorite from your work. :)

[Angel's Lady]

she searches
for a key she cannot find. --- Oh man, I can so relate...

she strains to hear one last beat, though its music no longer plays
for her. It is then that she realizes, it never did. ---- I don't think you can improve upon perfection.

Great write, Dani...
This is really beautifully written, and I wouldn't change a thing.

[Silent Kim aka mizmetap..]

It's well written Dani, nice smooth, words flow in a steady rhythm. I enjoyed reading this. Excellent as always. I'm going to read the original.