Secrets

One of the first poems i wrote about my wife when we were starting our love affair.

I was not supposed to love you,

you are just my friend.

So why do I have these feelings,

I just want them to end.

 

You do noy feel the same way,

I know this for a fact.

What am I supposed to do?

These feelings keep coming back.

 

The feelings do not go away,

no matter how hard I try.

I simply cannot tell you,

I would rather break down and cry.

 

So, I am stuck with this pointless crush,

this is so unfair.

I know it is time to tell you,

but your reaction I cannot bear.

 

No one knows how I feel for you,

I hope it stays that way.

I think that if you found out,

you would turn and walk away.

Author's Note

Is this too short

Reviews

[JayG]

Look at line 1 from a prosody viewpoint: "I was not supposed to love you,"

I was NOT suppoPOSED to LOVE you,
The line is iambic with 3 feet, and, a feminine ending

Comment: The thought is complete, so creating a comma splice to the next line, in place of a period, detracts. In any case, comma splices should be avoided.

Suggestion: I WASN'T suppoPOSED to LOVE you,

Why? More conversational, and, the fewer words to say the same thing, the greater the impact.

L2: "you are just my friend."

Comment: Because you begin line 1 iambic the reader expects to continue. So, they’ll probably read it as:

"you ARE just MY friend." But that's awkward, so, they’ll go back and try:

"you are JUST my FRIEND." That sort of works, but they might try again, with a greater change

"YOU are JUST my FRIEND.

That works well, and is probably how you read it, But it’s an unexpected switch to trochaic that's not obvious in the wording, so the line had to be read three times because the reader won’t know you switched.

Assuming that this is what the reader decides to go with, they'll expect the same of S2L2. But it jumps back to iambic—as does S3L2. But S4L2 switches back to trochaic. So where prosody is supposed to help the reader anticipate the rhythm….

See the problem? A really good example of how prosody, handled perfectly, can get the reader literally tapping their feet to the beat, is Stephen Service's, The Cremation of Sam McGee. Do a search for the title, and, Shmoop, to read it.

My suggestion: Read the excerpt from Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. I think you’ll find what he has to say about the flow of words in language, and, in poetry, amazing.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/