Entry Five

October 12, 2010 – 12:58pm

I’m angry right now.  I’m very frustrated on top of that.  The frustration comes from the fact that I have no freaking idea where I am with my wife right now.  Limbo is worse in many cases than Heaven or Hell.  At least in Hell you know what’s in store for you for eternity, but Limbo is like a waiting room with the eternal torment of vague circumstances.

 

She had a meeting with Patty, and I wanted to hear about it.  So without a ton of details she let me know what happened and how things were going.  With that information, I wanted to know how the last four days have been for her while I expressed my concerns about the distractions keeping us from delving into potential progress.  She really had no update, and that is was all status quo.  She admitted having some good moments, but overall she’s not allowing herself to be bogged down with the situation so she can get her other priorities handled.  I completely understand where she’s coming from, but I have to honest in saying I f*****g hate the lack of any sort of update.  I feel like after the last few days there should be a shift for the better, but again there are two people involved and both are in very different places.  I understand that this isn’t moving fast enough for me, and that adds to my frustration.  But when I have a very emotional moment where I truly fear I will lose my wife, and she jokes that maybe I’ll find another “gamer”…it makes we want to punch a hole in my wall.

 

To think that she’s actually joking about me being with another woman is so infuriating I can hardly see straight.  The last thing I would ever want is to be with another woman, and she’s quipping about it and laughing while I’m in tears.  It was so hard to even function after this I had to really try and collect myself.  The silver lining here is that she was joking and having fun, which I love about her.  But her timing was worse than terrible.

 

I really want all this s**t to be over.  I know it’s rather cliché, but I feel like this is a nightmare I just cannot wake up from.  My life just came to a halt all of a sudden and there was nothing I could do about it.  I’m just feeling so damn helpless and it feels like she won’t let me do anything to help her.  She wants someone to take care of her, but she won’t let me do it.  She wants someone to WANT to do things with her, but she won’t allow me inside her walls to actually do those things.  Even if we did at this point, I’m not sure it would make one ounce of difference anyway, which is an entirely different sort of pain.

 

I can’t stop thinking about all this right now and work is just impossible to focus on.  I’m obsessed with this situation and if we are even making any progress.  We are going to a fund raiser tonight with my Dad, and quite honestly I really don’t want to do it because I really feel like I’m being led on.  I’m being set up for an inevitable failure of a marriage and it’s just being dragged out because of all the distractions she has and the false hope I have.  It’s sort of like I’m being told to go to Hell while enjoying the trip.  We have these great date nights, laughing and being with each other; it all feels so healthy and productive.  Then we’ll have moments where I’m pissing her off just because I’m in her area.  I wish I could help her deal with the fact that I just want to make up for lost time not helping her.  I also wish that out of all of the things she wants, I wish she wanted me.  I just don’t feel that from her…and in those moments, it destroys my hope and my spirit.  I really hate this.  I wish there was something I could do to lift her up and show her how she makes me feel and that I’ll do anything for her now that I’ve seen my mistakes.  Mistakes that partially put us in this mess.  But she has to let me in, and I have no idea if that will ever happen again.