Death in The Stars

I walked silently with my mother in the dark. I was a bit mad at her, but was sad. She wouldn't talk to me about a particular thing. Not good.

 

"Mom, please!" I plead with her. She wouldn't listen. "Come on, Mom," I insisted, "Please can we talk?"

 

She shook her head. Drawing my breath, I looked around the scenery. The trees were black against the midnight blue skies. The moon was shining brightly. There was a dark lake that we were walking next to, showing the reflection of the moon. There were a few ducks swimming to shore quickly, creating circles in the water. I watched in awe as they moved.

 

I shook my head back to reality as I tried again. "Mother, please, can't we talk?"

 

She drew her breath in and breathed out a reply that was impossible for me to hear. I sent her a questioning look, and she sighed. "This is where your father was killed. He drowned in this beautiful lake. That's why I'm so sad, Emma. That's why I've got to do this."

 

My mother reached into her coat and brought out a blacker thing. I tried to look closely, but she brought it up to my head. I backed off. "Ma-ma-Mom? Wha-Wa-What are you d-doing?" I studdered.

 

She was crying, and was lowering the black object. I stepped closer, but then, in a split second, she brought it back up and pulled her finger, causing a loud noise. Then, something hit my forehead, and I fell back.

 

My name is Emma Sterling, and that, my friends, is how I died.

Author's Note

Okay... So I'm sorry it took me forever to put up here, but I just couldn't figure out how to begin it.

Reviews

[M Garcia]

look forward to reading more

[EMF]

Well, I can be nice about it, but that won't get you published, so I'll go for direct. All positive criticism. As I write this I am conscious that what you have here is a really good story. What you could have, in the future is Great Literature
Please bear that in mind as you check the review. Along with the reality that is is only my opinion. Not written in stone.
Firstly it's good. You have introduced your two characters and made them instantly believable and real. The twist ending was a terrific puchy end to the chapter, and you have established your narroator as dead, so the rules of physics and normalicy are out the window, allowing you to do anything. Great.

Secondly though, I really cannot picture the setting. You are creating a world where the setting is immensley important to both mother and child, but there is no depth to the setting. Where you say, for example 'There was a dark lake...' a few words can make a difference, such as, 'The lake was abuzz with insects and toads, eating their fill. The Moon shimmered. A silver plate on the dancing waters...'

Thirdly, only one typo I could spot and that could simply be the difference between English and American English. Studdered should be spelled stuttered.

racking work here with such promise I am amazed. And I agree with the rest of your reviewers. I'm looking forward to the next chapter too.

[Von Alis]

Such great a twist ending! I didn't see it coming! I can't wait for the next chapter!

[PrincessZeldaWannabe]

WHOA! CAN'T WAIT FOR MORE!

[((Teenage_Poet_Loser))]

omw this is sssso awesme =D... jus sad its so short=[.... youre good at describing the scenery ... make this a bit longer and i think you got a winner on your hands =]

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

Man!
This was uber intense.

[Short.Nerd]

Well the last line got me interested!

[Silent Knight]

Wow. I can't wait to read more.

[Shep]

I like all things you have to begin somewhere. A + B = Point of destination
Love the Chapter. It could use a little help. I will start with Detail.


Remember your readers are blind and it is your job to paint the picture using the Five senses… Writer Senses. What do you see? What do you hear? Smell? Taste and feel?

Gives us background of events around the characters what they look like where are they from and how old and the History around it. Start with that.


It is a very good beginning Nicely done.
Need more detail what you have is good, but I think you can give us more.

[Jazique]

Wow this just got even more interesting. can't wait for the next chapter because right now the mother looks really guilty.