That's What Friends Do

hidden thoughts

 

 

 

The thoughts slip into my mind

How her soft skin would look covered in harsh scars

How the blade would slip into her skin

The blood bubbling to the surface and spilling over.

The way I may smile to see her shock

As I pull the knife away from her arm

Having just slit a deep canyon into it

And a river of crimson is pulsing off her fingers.

 

I shake the thoughts and hug her

After all that’s what friends do.

Author's Note

Please tell me what you think, be honest and be harsh, it will help me improve

Reviews

[holly]

Cold and calculating tone well suited to the subject. I'd probably avoid using "drip" and "dripping" in the same line, especially if you could eliminate the "down to drip". I think you could without losing the scansion.
I truly like this poem and think if you tightened the lines "Having just slit a deep ravine into her * And a river of crimson is dripping down to drip off her fingers" it would be splendid. Best wishes.

[Lexy]

If she slit her wrist, why is the blood dripping off of her fingers?
And I think you're right. Friends stop each other from doing bad things (as long as they're not doing the same thing). And they always look after each other.

[Last Lying Look]

I really like this poem. It has this cruel edge to it which I admire.
As for the flowing/pulsing/trickling thing... I like pulsing more.

[Kyle]

it is pretty dark, but its dark "with meaning" everyone had a good and bad side, it just takes a true friend to push the bad out of the picture when it comes to someone they care for, but what i would like to know is why he is thinking these things, and the thought proccess you used to establish this character.

[Emily Rose]

This is very evocative. I really like the contrast between the first stanza and the second; it creates some lovely tension there, and shocks the reader into thinking. However, there is one line I think you could do without and that is "having just slit a deep ravine into her." Let the blood dripping down her fingers imply that you've made the cut. Don't just tell me what's going on - show me through your imagery, your metaphors, a subtle change in rhythm or a jarring rhyme. Be subtle. Trust your readers to give your work more than just a once-over (although truthfully many readers only do look at things once, especially for longer poetry). Even if not everyone gets what you're trying to say, someone else might. The best poetry is the type that has many layers of meaning, and being too specific can hinder that goal. Less is more in poetry, and that's sometimes hard to remember. Once again, take every critique with a grain of salt (including, or perhaps especially, this one!) and I hope I'm not completely crushing you as a writer by being so critical. Honestly it is a good idea and its execution is not bad; it's just not breathtakingly excellent... yet. The best way to get better is through practice, though. Keep writing as much as possible and you'll get there!