Orange Flower

I visited mom's grave on the 3 year anniversary of her death.

 

 

 

An orange flower

Placed gently upon my mother's grave

Three years since that awful night,

Three years of remembering everyday

Mommy isn’t going to return home tonight.

 

The flower looks so perfect

So simple and delicate

She never would have taken a second look at it

It's only a wild flower

Not some difficult-to-grow, $30 flower

But now after her death

I know she would have stopped to smell it

To gaze at it and see its full beauty

She would have appreciated the little things in life

And the every day events.

That’s what happens when you die

Or are about to

You realize the every day occurrences are the most precious.

 

I stand to leave my mother’s grave

But before I go, as always, I kiss my hand and rest it upon her name

Rest in peace mother.

Author's Note

Even though this is a very personal poem, I would still love some criticism.

Reviews

[holly]

"Not some difficult-to-grow, $30 flower" - very good line. Personal poems are hard to critique just because they're personal. Feelings are so enmeshed with words that it's hard to say, "Cut this" or "Add that". Perhaps the best advice for any poet is to read your poem over again in a few days and see if there's anything you could remove to build intensity. I don't see this as needing anything added to it.
It's sad that your mother died - wish for you that hadn't happened.

[Emily Rose]

Neeever mind it seems I've been commissioned to put on my critiquing hat XD

First of all, your imagery in this poem is very strong here in comparison to your other works - good job. That said, you could always make it stronger. Imagery is tricky in that respect, but more detail and more specificity is always better than less. I would suggest that you give the flower a bit more description: we know that it's orange (we've known that since the title) and we know that it's a wildflower and that it's delicate and simple. But what kind of flower is it? What does it look like? What's it scent like? What (this is important) could you compare it to? Is it a tiger lily? Does its hue burn brightly, like fire? Like molten lava? Like a robin's breast? Metaphor and simile can be your best friends here. Be creative! What's the coolest thing that you could put next to this flower to match its hue or some other characteristic?

Also, I'm a bit confused about the line "But after her death I know she would've stopped to smell it." I can sort of understand where you're going here - it's true that people who know they're going to die take in things more - but I think you could be a little more clear about it, because she's not going to actually be smelling flowers after she's died. Thus I would include something about how "But if she'd known the end was near, she would've stopped..." or something similar. The same principle goes for the line where you say, later, "that's what happens when you die." It's more accurate that (as you do clarify in the second line) those who are ABOUT to die enjoy things more, people who are already dead can't, so you might want to nix that line or edit it a little.

Now... some more grammatical things: In my opinion this poem would be far more effective if you used more punctuation - the lingering pauses would give is a sense of depth and longing (I think, anyway) as opposed to the run-on sentences you've got now. I would suggest a dash or a colon after your first "grave," and that you add the word "that" after "every day" (which should be two words and not one). As for the second stanza, you need a comma after "perfect" and some sort of punctuation after "delicate." A comma would work, or a dash or possibly even a period. There should also be a comma after "wild flower," and after "$30 flower," and after "to smell it." Also, there should be some sort of punctuation after "or are about to" (but not a period as it is not a complete sentence), perhaps a colon, semicolon, comma or a dash. Again, although these are necessary so you don't have run-on sentences in your poetry, poetry does not have to be grammatically correct (although I personally draw the line at misplaced apostrophes and misspelled words). I personally find it annoying, however, when a poet chooses to include a few punctuation marks, but blantantly ignores others - it gives an air of pretentiousness and or (in most cases) it make the writing seem juvenile. There is a certain art to poetry in punctuation, and it's definitely possible for a poet to use it very artistically (for example, they only put punctuation in a certain place to draw attention to it, etc.) but there's a difference between using punctuation artistically, using it irresponsibly and being just plain lazy about it.

Sorry that this critique was so long, but I hope it helps, at least on some level!

[Emily Rose]

... So I suppose after all the reviews you've gotten I would be a jerk to criticize this poem, huh? My fellow critics are right - it is a quite emotional poem and you show it rather well. I have two apostrophes to add, however: in the second line I think you mean "my mother's grave" and in the fourth line of the second stanza it should be the contractive "it's" (your second possessive its, however, is correct).

[Barries Girl]

It isnt possible to criticise something to emotive and personal.
We all need to take time out to notice the wonder in the little things around us each day.

[Samuel Dickens]

I have written some similar, very personal pieces, and no one ever says anything unkind about them. (A testiment to the decency of most folks) They are your words, your feelings laid raw before unknown eyes, and I can only say good things to you. My mom has been gone for 35 years, and dad for nine. I still cannot see their graves without getting emotional. That's just how it is. Sam