If I was

Another "If I" poem

If I was a book
Would you read every page of me?
Staring until your eyes shook
with the utmost intensity?

If I was a canvas
Would you breathe a breath of life into me?
Placing my lines just where
you think they should be.
After, would you pose me on your wall?
for the whole world to see?

If I was a journal
Would you let me in on your deepest secret?
Even if I made no promises
that I could keep it?

If I was me
Would my stories be enough
to keep you close enough to see?
Would my looks be enough
to let whole world know we are we?
Would I be enough of a reason
to trust, to confide, and to never lie?

Author's Note

The last block is still under construction. PLEASE PLEASE let me know what sucks about it. I love as much as the next person being told my writing is awesome but tell me what sucks too! Please

Reviews

[Rita L. Sev]

I like the concept very much - you committed to the idea and stayed with it well. The first three stanzas read pretty smoothly - though some longer lines disrupt the cadence a bit. The last stanza, while it keeps with the theme well, is awkward. Your rhyme falls apart here. Hmmm...

If I was me
Would my stories
be enough for you to see?
Would my looks be enough
to tell the world we are we?
Would I be enough of a reason
to share true intimacy?

Just tossing out some suggestions to tighten up the lines...

Overall, a good write, Daniel!

[Daniel Eckert]

Intimacy!!!! I tried think of a word, that fit my meaning there, while also rhyming, forever! Thank you. I appreciate the constructiveness in this comment; I really do!

[Pollai]

This is very nice Dan, I like how it gets more intimate as you progress with the piece. I don't know if that was intentional but I liked that build-up. The writing was also very simple, but posed some deep questions. The rhyme and meter in some areas broke flow, but it didn't take away from the message. I sense some parts trying to rhyme some not, not entire sure which you were going for. I still really enjoyed this though and when I came to this stanza, I paused and re-read it because I thought it was beautiful loved the intimacy and sense of confidant-ness (not a real word, I know haha):

If I was a journal
Would you let me in on your deepest secret?
Even if I made no promises
that I could keep it?

Great work :)

[Daniel Eckert]

Thank you for the kind words!! You made me blush!

[ríða andlit]

I'm not a big fan of intentional rhyme. When I've done it in a serious vein in the past, it always felt forced and trite. I gave it up as a bad job. That's not to say I don't write some rhyming parodies, here and there, I do -- and I always have fun with them.

With that said, it does work, here but the theme is fantastical and I would really like to see you take it and really run with it. Poetry, like any art, can be paint-by-numbers, structured, free-form or abstract. Allow your pen to go wild.

However, it is lovely as is and quite breathtaking in its themes. You're the writer!

[Daniel Eckert]

I hate intentional rhyme too. When I write these kind of poems they make writing feel more like work. It seems to me though they are more like.

Thank you for the kind words!

[kublakhan27]

Critiquing is not my strength, as it's always been my style to seek out emotions and sentiments before technicalities...at least that's what I tell myself...I know there are others who would simply accuse me of being too "soft" to critique but that's another story haha I can tell you that the last stanza was actually my favourite, and the one I believe would require the least construction...I love the way you laid your feelings out in that closing bit...if I can give any advice, I'd simply suggest a changing of some of the basic verbs like reading and posing, maybe try to look for more exotic ways of describing those actions...again, critiquing is not my thing so I don't know if that even makes sense, let alone helps you, but I found little to dislike in this piece, and I don't believe the "what if" concept needs to be toyed with at all, maybe just the odd descriptive part, but as it is, I really enjoyed and related to this piece :)

[Daniel Eckert]

How about "erudition" in place of reading?

I have always had such a gripe with writers who did that! I understand that some words paint a better picture than others; it's just not characteristic of me to displace orthodox expressions with abstruse ones even if I have the vocab to do so. I find when I read writers like Melville I have leniency towards the matter; yet if I am reading a contemporary writer and come across a word I have never heard in a sentence before,I will look up the word, if I don't know what it means, and more times than not never pick up a thing from that author again. There are common use words for everything; there is no reason to replace "amiable" or "friendly" with "magnanimous." I think it ruins writing.

That being said, I am new to poetry. It seems to me poets have this tendency to carefully select each and every word. Maybe I could learn a thing or two from that?

[s y e]

I loved this, Daniel! I thought you really told a story in each stanza and I really enjoyed it. I would go with what Rita, said, too. I think she's got it. :) There were some lines that were a bit long and threw me off but I loved it! :)

~ Noodle.

[Daniel Eckert]

I'm an aspiring master of the Art Of Words not quite a master yet (hehe "yet"). Thank you for the kind words and I am glad some of story portrayed through to you.

[s y e]

Haha, practise makes perfect! ;-)

[Shweta Singh]

This poem frames your emotion very well...your desire to be accepted. touched, breathed in, as you are in totality...this'll prove to be your yet another stepping stone to soak & emote your emotions..

[Daniel Eckert]

Thank you Shweta! I appreciate the kind words =D

[Shweta Singh]

:) My pleasure Daniel...

[Will]

I really liked this one, with very good flow and a solid rhyme scheme, but I feel like that last block really does kill the whole thing. Rita has saved a poem or two of mine, so I would go with whatever she says, because that looks really good. Overall, a good piece with a superb concept. Clean up that last stanza and we'll have a great piece.

[Daniel Eckert]

Yes the last stanza is killing me. While Rita did come up with one I like a copy and paste of that is not something I could bring myself to do. I will continue to hammer away at it. Thank you!

[Will]

Send me another read request when it's edited and I'll let you know what I think of it,

[Mark]

It tells a tale of someone who sits and watches the world and wonders 'what if?' There is no 'let's find out' in it, so I assume it's about someone who only dreams and never goes after one of them.

[Daniel Eckert]

Interesting point mark. I am not to sure how to take it.

[Mark]

I'm constantly dreaming, constantly asking 'what if', have been since I can remember. sometimes it made me hesitate... and later, regret not having acted instead of dreamed.

[Coyote Poetry]

I like the closing lines. The good questions gave balance to the poem. I like the set-up of the poem. Opening the door to questions to ponder. I believe people want us for our good and the bad. Thank you for the excellent poem.
Coyote

[Daniel Eckert]

Thank you for taking the time to read and review it!

[Shane Mohamed]

It's captivating and full of emotions, but you can go into more detail, tap into more depth, and give the reader a closer look with more intricate vocabulary; but job well done.

[Daniel Eckert]

So in other words, "its good but be a better writer." Depth is always a difficult thing to dig into, at least for me. Yes vocabulary is very plain in this one. I find it hard to keep short lines with an intricate vocabulary. Something I need to work on, Thank you for pointing it out. Thank you also for the kind words.

[redflutterby]

I agree with Rita the last lines are awkward. They don't flow like the earlier ones do. Read it out loud...that's the best way to see how it feels to you. Otherwise I like the theme and rhyme. Good job. ;-)

[Daniel Eckert]

Yes reading everything you write out loud is very important!
The last block was bugging me but I couldn't get it quite right so I posted it in hopes I would receive and idea or criticism that would help me fix it.
Thank you for helping me and your encouraging words!