we swim elsewhere

we swim elsewhere

A Poem by Edward Clay
"

a random sentence i typed to a friend of mine - felt it would make a decent haiku.

"

comets and ripples,

on the pond in the air;

to them, we are but algae.

© 2008 Edward Clay


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true dat. ;) or dust or bacteria. great title.

Posted 14 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

love it!

Posted 14 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

You were right it did! Nice haiku.

Posted 14 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

mysterious! me like!

Posted 14 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ack! I like it as it is! Don't mess with it! It adds a level of mystery to the minds of the reader. Let their imagination take it to where it will go. It is like an explosion, tendrils of creation swirling out from it like a supernova. So many things i can see in just a few simple words!
Great Job!

Posted 14 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

it's an interesting idea for a haiku
most " western" haiku follow a 5-7-5 syllable pattern
so yours could be something like this

comets and ripples - 5
travel the ocean of air - 7
see us as algae - 5

It has the element of "temporary-ness that good haiku should have, also it lets the reader fill in the places where words are left out.
I think you should work with it a little it has potential

Namaste'


Posted 14 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on February 24, 2008

Author

Edward Clay
Edward Clay

The land of wherever, just south of Nowhere.



About
"So where you headed in this old broken town, where the day glow orange of the midnight moon is the warmth you gather around? What's there to see apart from the dusty nights under sewn matress skies, .. more..

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