3 Scenes

Please let me know if I am doing this right for future reference.  These are my 3 scenes for scatterbrains course...

 

1 - As El Gato Loco took off from the ramp, passing over 32 burros, he had time to dig his blackberry from his pantalones and tweet his fans, "Lo Hice!"

 

2 - Jeb and Zeke's Watchtower pamphlets scattered as if a grenade went off in their hand and Mike chuckled to himself as they ran down the street.  "Maybe I should put pants on before opening the door", he thought.

 

3 - After 18 years of martial arts training, Jake was finally prepared.  Standing face-to-face with his childhood arch-nemesis, Chuck Botterbusch, he shined with confidence.  As he got into ready stance, Chuck pulled out his pistol and shot Jake in the chest, killing him instantly.

Author's Note

Good or bad, I hope I get at least one smile or chuckle out of it...

Reviews

[Franklin...]

You got a smile and chuckle out of me. Since the couple of things I might have commented on have already been mentioned, I'll just say: well done.

[Effewe]

Cool, thanks for the review! I knew I should have changed the sentence structure in #2. I did these on lunch break though and was crunched for time lol

[scatterbrain]

#3 would be good if you leave the opponent as a mystery until the very end, where it is revealed that his childhood arch-nemesis is a girl :P

[scatterbrain]

"As El Gato Loco took off from the ramp, passing over 32 burros, he had time to dig his blackberry from his pantalones and tweet his fans, "Lo Hice!""

i like it! and you come right into the scene, exactly as you were supposed to. my only concern is the mixing of words. i don't want you to do away with it, but if you're going to mingle tongues, then at least make it worthwhile. rather than doing mostly english with a few scattered spanish words, how about mostly spanish and a few English words. we read by context, rather than by your own words/stream of thought. understand? :P

"Jeb and Zeke's Watchtower pamphlets scattered as if a grenade went off in their hand and Mike chuckled to himself as they ran down the street. "Maybe I should put pants on before opening the door", he thought."

very good. the first line has way too much going on (and is twice a run-on sentence), but that's not important. good writing, good kicker.

"After 18 years of martial arts training, Jake was finally prepared. Standing face-to-face with his childhood arch-nemesis, Chuck Botterbusch, he shined with confidence. As he got into ready stance, Chuck pulled out his pistol and shot Jake in the chest, killing him instantly."

this would be the one that doesn't quite do the "in media res" thing, but that's only looking at it first glance. the very act of being shot comes at the end, but there is obviously some sort event/dialog that transpired to make this fight come. that first line sort of kills the story... it's not an immediate fight, and the way you phrase it, it sounds like he's been training for this (as if it were a competition)... but he gets shot? bahahaha, i'm getting the joke. good story, just the ending makes you disbelieve reality (ahh! a lesson taught in my first lesson!)

very nicely done :) thanks for submitting something for me to read!

[Effewe]

haha yeah. I was at a loss on the last one.

[Mike Lamb]

I see Chuck subscribes to the Indiana Jones style of fighting.