22/03/18

Dear Diary,

This seems really cliché. I don’t know why I agreed to do this. I have absolutely no idea why. My psychologist seemed to think that writing down my feelings in this diary would help me. I’m not sure why. I don’t know what I’m meant to say in this. I don’t want to write down my thoughts because I’m not sure if she’ll read it. I hope not. This is personal.

I won’t give it to her. I'm doing what she is asking but I won't let her look at it. The things that are in my head, I don’t want anyone to see. There is a reason I don’t talk. The things I want to say, I can not.

People say to not care about what others think of you. That is impossible for me. If I want friends, if I want any hope of not being an outcast, I need to keep my thoughts to myself. It is hard though. not talking is hard. I’ve been silent for for long, I’m not sure if I can speak. I wonder if I should try, just to myself, when no one’s around. It might help.

I’ve begun writing poetry. It really helps when I feel like there’s something I really need to say but can’t muster the courage to speak. I post them online, under an pseudonym, where my parents can’t see. I hope that by doing it, I’m helping people. When I get into a mood, all I want someone to say is that I’m not alone. No one did, so now I’m trying to be that person for someone else.

Here is a snippet:

I walk this path, day after day, night after night.
It is all the same,
Nothing is different..

I don’t know why I walk this path,
Just that I think it may be the only thing keeping me sane.
It is all the same,
Nothing is different,

Everything is changing around me,
And while it does,
I know this path will always stay the same.

I walk this path, day after day, night after night,
It is all the same,
Nothing is different.

But eventually I will have to move on.
It is not wise to lean on the past,
I must look forward to the present,

But it is hard.
The future is uncertain,
The future is known,

And the unknown is what we humans fear the most.
I can just hope that it will be better than the past and the present.
I am scared of change,

It is a fact,
But I will have to let go.

It will be hard, but I must do it.
I will do it.

It’s not my best, but I think it’s okay. I got my meaning across at the very least. I just hope that I can help anyone who is in the same boat. I know I wish I had something like this. In fact, I still want something like this that isn’t written but my own hand. I just want to help…

Anyway, I should go. It’s about dinner time and I need to start getting ready to start prepping. I’ll try not to forget to write in this thing tomorrow.

Alex

Author's Note

Should I move the rating up to mature?