TRUE and FALSE

Lost love poem

True and False

 

My most precious view

Was when I first laid eyes on you

Such love I never knew

Our lives together was spent so true

This is a story of just a Few

 

Time went by it must be told

Of moments pure solid gold

Others were so bitterly cold

Your eyes then foretold

A love not new but sold

 

In light of the new dawn

You preyed upon a fawn

Your eyes were wild with scorn

My beauty lost and withdrawn

You left me forlorn

 

These lines upon my face

I have earned in time and space

With every breath I embraced

I earned these with grace

Does beauty then bear no trace?

 

Why do the young reign supreme

In all men's harts the cream

I have not lost my gleam

I wanted to scream

I am still your dream!

 

Fairytales of truelove

Are not stated as above

And do not fit like a glove

For your love will find a dove

And give you the shove

 

You gave back your ring

And treated me like some thing

As if I meant nothing

That was my heart's worst sting

Thus with this pain it will bring

My own song I must now sing

Author's Note

I'ts a poem about lost love. Inspired by Life's Sad Poetry :) This is the second draft of this poem. Thanks to Jay for helping me sound a little bit less Robotic.
(: Thank you for taking the time to read my poem :)

Reviews

[AliciaB]

This is a poem about a very painful experience, and it is written with some highly emotional, impactful lines. Here are a few of my favorites, and why I like them: "A love not new but sold" - this one is intriguing in light of the lines that come before it, which mention of moments of "solid gold" and ones that are "bitterly cold." Having memories that are "golden" is a beautiful thing... but then that image shifts, calling to mind the idea of "buying" or "selling" love, and the gold sounds like money that would be used to do this (and money is often described as "cold," both literally and figuratively in terms of heartlessness.) Overall, that's a cool image. "In light of the new dawn / You preyed upon a fawn / Your eyes were wild with scorn" - "dawn" and "fawn" are both symbols of innocence and purity, and the use of those in contrast to the words "preyed" and "wild" is very effective. "Does beauty then bear no trace?" - I like this one because of its relevance to so many people. Our scars and imperfections show the stories of our lives; they make us human. Why, then, are they not considered beautiful? And finally, I love the hope and resilience present in "My own song I must now sing." Although the speaker has been through a lot of pain, she is now ready to embrace independence and be herself. Overall, very nicely done!

[Elmarie]

Hi Alicia Thank you once again for your reviews. I enjoyed your comment and appreciate your insight into the poem. Blessings to you El

[Nisreen]

Even in love there is salvation
your voice here is filled with emotion
questions you found very few answers to

but maybe the beauty of being in love
is seeing hope away from detail and into self freedom

i enjoyed this one

[Elmarie]

Thank you for reading my poem and for your review. I think you have a point and that if we do not have self freedom we can not truly love. Blessings El

[BL]

Well crafted and I really like the way you slowly twisted it around from the first to the last verse - Great job.

[Elmarie]

Thank you for taking the time to stop by Be. And I can't say glad you enjoyed the poem because it is rather dreary. But thanks all the same.

[BL]

OK, OK I didn't enjoy it then 😊

[JayG]

The thing to watch out for is lines that have meaning to you because your understanding is driven by intent and foreknowledge. Since it is, the meaning is apparent as you read. When editing, try yo place yourself into the viewpoint of the reader. For them, the words have only the meaning the words and their placement seem to suggest to THEM, based on their background, their experience, and even their current mood. So rather than telling them how we feel, and what's meaningful to us, we must try to make them feel. And that's hard. But then, that's why we make the big money. ;)

Another thing to avoid is twisting the order of words into Yoda-speak to make the rhyme. It can feel like cheating. This article might help show what I mean: http://www.poetry4kids.com/blog/news/forced-rhymes-and-how-to-avoid-them/

[Elmarie]

Thanks Jay For taking the time to read my poem. I appreciate the constructive feedback. "Reading it from another perspective will be a great tool. I've been steadily reading through your website. I cracked a smile "Yoda-speak". Pretty much puts it in perspective.
Blessing
El