Chapter 1

Chapter 1

      Yet again, she was put in the same situation. Claire had always been put in a spot where everything was put out in the open, for everyone to see. She thought it had passed after Middle School, but it was the same in High School, and college. When she graduated she thought that everything would be different when she started her job. Claire was different than most people and she always tried to hide it. But, somehow word always got out. Claire had a condition that required her to prey on certain animals in order to get the nutrients that she needed. People always assumed that that meant that she was a vampire, or something along those lines. She always tried to tell them it was a medical condition but they never believed her.

      It was a disgusting disease. She had a love hate relationship about it, she hated how people assumed she was a monster when they found out, but she had grown accustomed to the taste, though she hated admitting it. But it wasn’t like she had any other option. It was either hunting or starving to death, and since Claire liked her life, she chose the hunt. She never preyed on people but she would be lying to herself if she said she never thought of it. Especially because of the way they treated her. Like she was vermin, like she was the worst possible thing that was every created. Even when she tried to explain herself they would cut her off and tell her she was disgusting. She thought that since she was finally done with school, finally where she wanted to be, that it would stop.

      Claire had graduated from Stanford, with high honors, for her doctorate degree. She finished all the schooling�"and then some�"to finally become a doctor. She had wanted this since she was a girl and she found out what was wrong with her.

      Her parents had taken her to every possible doctor to figure out what was wrong with her. When Claire was 6 or 7 she started to vomit any time she ate anything. They though it was some kind of allergy so they took her to an allergist. After hundreds of different tests he told her to go an Oncologist. He thought it was some rare form of cancer. After her parents spent more than $200,000 on medical fees the Oncologist told her to go to a specific specialist that has seen something else similar to Claire’s situation. He didn’t have a specific doctoral title but he had graduated first in his class at Harvard University. He was a friendly guy, dark hair, who always had his hair slicked back. He didn’t ask much about how Claire felt about what was happening to her; he just wanted to know what was happening. Claire could never remember his name either; her parents always forgot too, which she always thought was strange. Claire always called him “The Doctor”. He said that he had seen something like this in a different case, as well as in several different medical journals. The exact name of the disease was Carnivisouritis. It meant that nothing will satisfy you unless you have copious amounts of meat.

      Claire took The Doctor’s advice and started to eat large amounts of cooked meat. After some time her condition got worse. It was only a few weeks later that she had started vomiting after every meal again. Her parents took her back to The Doctor. He re-diagnosed her with Carnivisouritis haemoglobis. Which roughly translated to: Needing to eat meat that still contained the oxygenated red blood cells. In laments terms, it meant that she needed to eat raw meat. The name of the disease is why she was called a liar anytime she was found out. People said she was making up this “Carnivisouritis haemoglobis” because she didn’t want to admit that she was a vampire.

      The hardest part of adjusting to her “new diet” was getting the raw meat. At first her parents just started getting raw meat from the deli but it never worked. She would always vomit it back up after a short time. The Doctor had told them that it had to be live raw meat. They thought he was joking at first, why would it need to be live? What was the difference between raw meat and live raw meat? His response was simple, blood flow. When anything is killed, the blood flow stops. For Claire’s disease she needed to ingest meat with an active blood flow. Finding the first “meal” was the most difficult thing in Claire’s life. Her parents had the hardest time adjusting. The relationship that she had had with her parents before her illness was never the same. But, the first time, the first time was the worst. They had taken her to a pet store; where else were they going to get their hands on live raw meat. They told her to start with something small, a gerbil maybe, or a hamster? Claire couldn’t bear the thought of eating a live gerbil or hamster so she picked a mouse.

      When they got home with Claire’s first meal, her parents told her to “do her business” in the basement. They did NOT want any part of it. They thought The Doctor was crazy. They still thought it could have been some kind of cancer. Claire had been so hungry and she didn’t want to wait for a response from the Oncologist, so she took her “meal” down to the basement. For about an hour or so she just stared at the mouse trying to decide if she should wait to hear from the Oncologist after all, or if she should just try it. It took her a while before she gained the courage to pick up the mouse, let alone bite into it. She was only 9. It had taken a few years before she got her diagnosis, and she thought the mouse was too cute to eat. She hadn’t eaten in days; she was on fluids for so many months because they had to get nutrients in her somehow. She couldn’t keep anything down, and all the tests that she had received from the other doctors had taken time. She hadn’t had a real meal in years, and she was hungry. She stared at the mouse with longing eyes and finally, she picked up the mouse.

      She stared at it some more, pet it a bit, and then she closed her eyes. She paused for a moment with her eyes closed, the mouse squirming in her hands. She stayed like that for a few more minutes until she finally took that first bite. It started to squeal when her teeth sunk into its furry flesh. She kept biting down until it stopped. She tugged, hard, to get the meat from her meal. She felt the blood running down her hands, fingers, mouth, and her throat. At first she thought she was going to throw up, but she kept her eyes closed, and started to chew.

 

Crunch, crunch, crunch.

     

      She kept chewing, and ignored the bones that were crunching in her mouth, until she finally swallowed. It wasn’t until she was sure that she wasn’t going to vomit that she finally opened her eyes. She looked at her hands, and saw the tiny mouse with the small bite out of its tiny stomach. She stared for a couple of minutes, trying to adjust to a sight that she would see for the rest of her life. Something strange happened then, her mouth started to water, than with her eyes wide open, she dove in for her second bite. After swallowing the second bite, she attacked the mouse, intent on finished her first meal after years of being on nothing but fluids. Every bite was sensational, filling her mouth with the blood of this small creature, it was intoxicating. She would never forget the feeling she got from her first meal.

      After she finished she looked at the puddle of blood on the floor in the basement. She was about to get something to clean it up, but the smell was pulling her towards the blood. She took her index finger and swiped it across the puddle, and licked it. She had never felt so disgusted and hungry all at the same time. She couldn’t restrain herself; she bent down, on hands and knees, and began to lick up the thick red puddle.

      That was when her parents finally decided to check on her; when she was on her hands and knees licking up the mess that her meal had made. Her mother screamed bloody murder and ran away, screaming, and screaming. Her father looked at her, mouth gaping open, not being able to find anything to say to console her. He didn’t stay long because he had started to gag, and he ran away to try to console her mother. Claire didn’t know what to do with herself, how to explain herself to her parents. She thought they would understand, they were with her throughout the whole process of trying to figure out what was wrong. She thought that they would be more supportive. But that was the last time her parents had taken her “out to eat”. From then on, Claire was in charge of finding her food.

      It took some time for Claire to adjust to her new eating habits. Not because of the taste, she was ashamed to admit it, but she didn’t mind the taste of it. It was finding the food that she needed that was difficult. Since her parents didn’t approve they wouldn’t give her money to go to the pet store, so, Claire needed to adjust. She had to hunt. Since she was only 9 she had no idea where to start. The next time she was hungry she went into the wooded area in her family’s backyard. Normally, her parents would never let her go out there by herself. After seeing her in the aftermath of her first meal they didn’t care about what she did anymore. They barely even spoke to her because they were too frightened. So, Claire decided to wander around the woods to see what kind of “meal” she would find for herself.

      It was lonesome in the forest, but peaceful at the same time. She was scared because she didn’t know what kinds of animals were lurking in the forest. She was hoping to find something small to eat; she didn’t need too much since she was so small. But she wanted something that would fill her up too. She continued to walk around until she heard some rustling in the trees above her. She looked all around her to find a squirrel perched onto a branch. Her mouth began to water as she gazed, longingly, at the squirrel. Claire looked around to see which tree the branch belonged too, when she found it she had to climb. Luckily, the particular tree had some smaller branches towards the bottom that made it easier for her to get to where the squirrel was. She was climbing slowly because she was afraid to fall, but she was more afraid of falling with no one around, and being lost in the woods forever. So she was being cautious. She was almost to the branch where the squirrel was when he started to jump from tree to tree until he was three trees away from where she was. At this point, Claire was exhausted, and hungry, and on the verge of giving up. But, as luck would have it, a small bird landed on a branch that was not too far from Claire.

      Claire didn’t make any sudden movements in fear of scaring off the bird. So she slowly moved her left foot to the branch that was right below the bird. Then, she moved her right foot off of the other branch and slowly placed it onto the branch where her left foot was. She hunched over, ever so gently, and looked up. She was right underneath the bird; all she needed to do now, was catch it. The only question on her mind was: How? She didn’t want to lunge for it but it could feel her movement and then she wouldn’t be able to eat. So she stayed where she was, and thought. Until she decided that she would try the lunge method after all. She figured if she was slow enough that it wouldn’t feel her movements. So she slowly started to move herself out of her hunched position. She was standing on her branch now, and keeping her eyes on the bird. She slowly started to move her hands closer to the bird until they were only a foot away on either side of the bird. She paused for a moment…and closed her hands around the bird.

      Only, her fear had come true, she had been too hasty and the bird flew away before she could wrap her hands around it. So she stood on the tree and watched as her potential meal flew away. That was how her hunting trips had gone for the first week after her first meal. She was so hungry, she would try to find other little creatures around the forest, but they were all too fast for her to catch! Claire was getting so frustrated, and so hungry, and so skinny. She ended up begging her parents to help her. She hadn’t eaten in a week and it was showing. Her parents couldn’t care less, when she asked their response was:

“Go to the Oncologist and tell him to put you on more fluids. We are not going to fuel your disgusting habit.”

      She ended up going to The Doctor to help her with her adjustment. She told him what her parents had seen after her first meal and how they reacted, and how they had treated her since. When she told him that she hadn’t eaten in a week he got up and walked over to a cabinet and pulled out a cage full of white mice. Claire’s mouth began to fill with saliva as she stared at the mice. She looked at The Doctor and as he brought the cage closer to her. He opened the cage and without even thinking she reached in and yanked one out one of the mice and tore off its head with her teeth. She ended up eating three mice within 15 minutes. He gave her some water to wash them down and told her that she could come to his office anytime she had trouble hunting and wasn’t able to get anything to eat. He had also given her some books on hunting, and tracking. She read all of them cover to cover and decided to give the hunting thing another try.

      It had been weeks since she last attempted to hunt. She had been relying on The Doctor’s supply of mice to hold her over. Her schedule was not allowing her to take the time she needed to hunt. Her parents had re-enrolled her in school so she had to attend. They did not understand, nor did they care, what she was going through, and they gave her no sympathy when she tried to tell them she was still learning how to hunt. So she had to adjust to her new schedule of school and hunting. Since she couldn’t bring a live mouse to school to chow down on in the lunchroom she would hide one her backpack and sneak out during lunchtime to eat it behind a dumpster in the back of the school. Her eating habits weren’t as messy as they were when she first started so she was able to eat them without leaving too much of a mess. But she always had to find a discreet way to clean her hands and face. That was usually when the sickened looks and mocking began. But even with all of that she found time on the weekends, and after school to practice hunting.

      Her first attempt was after her first week at a school. It was the end of the week and The Doctor wanted her to acclimate to her new lifestyle so he only gave her one for lunch every day that week, and told her she needed to practice hunting again. So after she got off the bus she walked into the woods, this time with more determination. She had gotten her strength back from all those mice that The Doctor had given her so she wasn’t feeling as weak. Instead of wandering around like her last attempts, decided to climb a tree that was in towards the middle of the forest. She stayed there for an hour at least, unmoving, and breathing as quietly as possible. She wanted to try a different approach, instead of looking for prey; she was going to wait till the prey came to her. So she waited, for several hours, in the same spot without moving. Finally a squirrel came from one of the trees around her and landed right in front of Claire. This time she didn’t think about it, the squirrel was right in front her, right within her grasp so she reached out and grabbed it.

      She had thought she missed like she missed the bird, but she got it. It was squirming and trying to bite her, but she didn’t let it struggle for long. She bit down, hard, right in its stomach and began to feast on the squirrel. She was very proud of herself as she was walking back. Claire didn’t mind the taste of the squirrel either; she thought it was meatier than the mouse, and it was a bit bloodier. As much as she hated to admit it, she liked that it was bloodier. The only part that Claire didn’t like about the squirrel was the tail. It was much too furry for her taste, and not enough blood in it.

      When Claire got home, she went to the bathroom to clean herself up. Then she went into the living room to work on some homework and watch some TV. Her parents were in there and when she came in they just stared at her. Claire sat down on the chair that was near the TV and started to work on her homework.

When her mother looked at her and asked, “Where have you been? We were expecting you back here 3 hours ago.”

“I was…eating,” said Claire, not sure of the response that would ensue.

“So you went to see that Doctor again did you?” her father responded, coldly.

“No I was in the backyard actually,” Claire replied.

There was a long silence before Claire announced, “I caught a squirrel, my first squirrel, and I got it all by myself.”

      Claire didn’t look up from her homework when she said it, so when she looked up to see her parents gawking at her she didn’t know how to respond. She had smiled while she said it, she was fairly proud of herself, she was only 9 years old, almost 10, and she successfully caught, and ate, her first squirrel. But as she looked at her parents and saw the looks on their faces, she knew that they would never understand, or share, the joy she had for herself. She thought they were just going to continue gawking until her father said: “That’s…that’s…great Claire.”  He had a funny look on his face, like he was trying to smile, but he couldn’t make his mouth into the shape he wanted it to be in. Her mother was still gawking, only this time it was at both Claire and her father. Claire gave him a smile, and said thank you, and went back to doing her homework. It was the first relatively positive interaction that she had had with either of her parents since her first meal. That was the first time in a very long time that Claire went to bed full, and happy.

Reviews

[emipoemi]

Wow! The hook still hooks, and the premise is intriguing (quite evocative of the Santa Clara Diet - not sure if you're familiar with the show - but has its own charm too). What I have to say about it, as I read through the chapter, is that the hook is the best part of it, which even though a feat is not a good sign if it's the best part. I could tell you're an amateur writer, which is ok....writers gotta try and learn from critiques, and if you would allow me to be so bold as to give you editorial assistance, buckle up, because I have a number of things to talk about. Bear with me - you'll thank me in the end:

-With the hook, you ingeniously use the pronoun and not the character's name, which is brilliant, as we don't particularly need to be fully introduced to the protagonist on the first line. But keep the pronoun going until the midsection of that first paragraph (don't mention her name in the second sentence). That would be good; keeps the readers intrigued further, which is what you always want to do. Furthermore, don't be afraid to extend the flow of sentences so they engage the reader more. Some sentences (ex "She thought it had passed after Middle School, but it was the same in High School, and college") sound a bit bland on their own, because some section of it (in the aforementioned case, it's the "and college" part) doesn't follow the rule of more, which is when you climb a hump ("thought it has passed after Middle School), jump to a higher hump ("but it was the same in High School), and slam dunk onto the third hump ("and college" is supposed to be that third hump, but it doesn't have enough gravitas to make the landing. it needs something like "even more" - "and even more in college" - to truly land). This type of flow brings the readers deeper into the world of your story and it adds pizzazz to the bland type of narrative that is just "telling" the story. A writer's motto is "Show, don't Tell"; don't just narrate the story, paint the picture.

Which brings me to my next point:

-Often you either don't paint the picture enough (the first meal in the basement - what did the basement look like? how did it feel? what was the light source? Where was she in relation to the stairs? Information that you should be able to show readers, and take them on the journey with Claire rather than just tell them about the journey); or you give too much detail (when she's climbing the tree during the first hunt, and you describe the shifting of the feet from branch to branch - way too clunky and telly. If you paint the picture fully beforehand, readers would follow you. There's also the factor of using names when pronouns would suffice, and repeating words that don't need repetitions, and just add to the awkward storytelling. English is filled with synonyms and brilliant ways to show the action, don't be afraid to really get into it. Act it out (to the best of your abilities) if you have to (because that helps). Take things slow with the descriptions when necessary (like the hunting of the first squirrel that seemed to be aware of the predator much later than usual. A squirrel is hyper-aware of its surroundings, and climbing a tree is loud. So take care with describing such a scene. Also, careful about using language like "she grabbed it", but then reveal immediately after that whatever she "grabbed" managed to escape). We see the world through Claire's eyes, we learn things when she does, so bear in mind that however she moves, we'll move with her). Show the action of the story, and not simply narrate it. Now granted, there were some moments throughout where telling is better than showing, and those are the internal third-person monologues, talking about how she feels about a situation, what she thinks about doing in a situation; silently planning actions, and you do well on a few occasions with that, but with others, it feels clunky as you could easily tie the previous thought with the next to make transitions smoother. Every line should elicit the next, keep that in mind. Every line you write has to provoke the next one, and therefore justify its presence and purpose in the story. If that doesn't happen, your story kind of falls flat.

-Third point: careful with which words you use and also typos. There are a number of typos throughout the chapter, and also words incorrectly used (ex. doctorate and doctoral do not refer specifically to the medical profession, but to PhDs. If Clair got a doctorate, it just means she got a PhD, and then you would have to say "in medicine", if you want to declare that she's that kind of doctor. That would actually be an MD, but given the circumstances of the story, a doctorate in medicine would make perfect sense, since the "disease" would be a wtf in normal medical studies. Another word incorrectly used is "situation" towards the beginning ("......specific specialist that has seen something else similar to Claire’s situation") - needs to say "condition". Also, careful with words that gotta be hyphenated: "love-hate".

Here's hoping this wasn't too harsh. Forgive me, is so. Just wanting to advise, not put down. Because this is a great story overall. It has great potential. Ho-nest-ly!! You have a good set up, but you have to tweak the flow. Great start!!

p.s. about the "after middle school, but it was the same in High and College" part; you also end up saying that the mocking and looks of disgust began when she was 9, which as far as I'm aware is elementary, so that kind of undermines the line as a whole. Just an fyi.

[Emily]

Thank you so much for the insightful feedback! I will admit it's been some time since I've read through this to pick at things, so I always appreciate a fresh set of eyes. I also 100% agree with your feedback, and when I have some free time I'll work on fixing it. I truly appreciate the feedback, and although the same themes will be consistent throughout, I'm looking forward to hearing more of your thoughts!

[emipoemi]

the themes are not what I'm worried about - it's your execution of them. If the rest of the novel reads anything like this chapter, a full edit would be advisable before I continue. I have no doubt the rest would be equally as intriguing, and am wanting to read the rest. But I'd like to go back and apply these comments throughout; that way I won't be repeating the same comments all the way through. If you need further assistance, I can always offer my GoogleDoc services.

[Emily]

Got it, yeah completely agree! Always open to the help if you don't mind!

[emipoemi]

Just name when. I can better indicate and explain flaws on GoogleDocs. But you seem like a writer with potential, so try editing this yourself before resorting to my services.

[Emily]

Will do! Thank you so much!

[emipoemi]

my pleasure.