Chapter 6: November 21, 2014

Something extremely big happens between Emylia and Jonathan

I met Jonathan in the Oldtown parking lot. He jumped in, and we were off.

I had mindlessly asked him a couple of weeks previous if he wanted me to take his virginity. I had already taken everything else, so why not? Obviously, he was weary about it until recently when I brought it up again, and he hesitantly accepted the offer.

Of course doing it was a whole other story. Every experience I’ve had either I back out at the last minute or he does. David is the only one that followed through, and never gave me time to say no. I kind of expected this time to be like any other time, but it didn’t . . .

After talking for a few minutes, both of us avoiding starting for our own reasons (mine being a very personal female problem finally going away) but were still waiting for it to happen. I felt like a virgin again. I knew it was going to hurt (in a different way with my problem still sitting there) and I was avoiding like I did the first time around. But then things progressed and I was still waiting for him to back out . . . I could feel him wanting to, but he didn’t . . . Before I knew it, we were done . . . I couldn’t feel anything except pain between my legs . . . something in me changed and I wasn’t sure what it was. It was almost like he took part of me with him when he pulled out . . . and I started to resent him for it . . . I can’t remember feeling this way after my first time, so why am I all of a sudden feeling this emptiness?

Driving him back to his truck, I tried to make conversation like I normally would, but inside I was trying to figure out what he took away from me. Whatever it was I wanted it back. It hurt . . .

For the first time after sex, I cried. Why did I cry? I never cried afterwards. Why was I waiting by the phone for him to text me? What was so different about this time? I decided I didn’t want to find out. All I knew was something was gone that I’ll never get back, and I was too scared to find out what it was. What are you supposed to do when you make that connection with someone, but you can’t bring it up because past experiences have hurt you when asking it?

When I finally got the text from him, it was almost like a sigh of relief.