Fading away

It's been a while,

Yet i can't see in your eyes.

The sky is turning to grey

So i am fading away.

I hope you knocked

On my door, and I'd

bring all the stars on my floor.

But now you're walking away, 

and Somewhere I'm gone astray.

I'd bring the heart of ocean 

to wish you happy birthday,

Even if i had to travel seaways,

But you wished for a perfect midday,

So now I'm paddling away.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Had sense of kindness and a sense of sadness Farhan.
"I'd bring the heart of ocean
to wish you happy birthday,
Even if i had to travel seaways,
But you wished for a perfect midday,
So now I'm paddling away."
I liked the above lines. A wonderful poem shared my friend.
Coyote

[prachi prangya agasti]

Nice one. I liked how you tried to portray the feeling in this poem.

[barleygirl]

I'm not following the flow of your message . . . it feels like you present a new direction for each stanza. This is not a bad thing, just an observation. The way you state your observations comes across as thought-provoking & original. Little grammar bump -- stanza 2, last line: "I've" would sound better than "I'm". I related to your first stanza becuz I will be out the door if I feel like someone does not want me around. But then your poem went into different directions that felt less relatable to me personally, but I like that your viewpoint is original (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Zhavy]

I really like this, at first I wasn't sure about the boldness of the poem but reading it I understood. Great job keep up the great ideas.

[Farhan Shaikh]

Thank you Zhavy

[Haniya]

Good poem. It's subtly addressing the feelings one has after his or her heart is broken.
The grammar and structure of the poem can be improved but overall, good job!

[Farhan Shaikh]

Thank you so much

[wordman]

when love shines no more,and the sky turns gray,
she turns and walks away,so bid her farewell and hope she will one day return

[Farhan Shaikh]

Yes mr.wordman, thanks for your time

[wordman]

you`re welcome

[H L Rose]

I like a lot of the metaphors in this poem. I’m not sure if they are all connecting together though. I really enjoy some of the metaphors and I think it would be cool if they were expanded upon. I’ve got some suggestions if you don’t mind me sharing?

“It's been a while,
Yet i can't see in your eyes,
The sky is turning to grey
So i am fading away.”

I like the idea of failing to “see in [someone’s] eyes” like trying to see everything going on in them, but not being able to. But is there something connecting the sky to the eyes in someway? I can’t figure out how the first two lines connect with the second two lines and the comma suggests that they should connect.

“I hoped you would knock
On my door, and I'll
bring all the stars on my floor.”

The tenses seem a little confused here. “Hoped” is past but then “I’ll” is suggesting the future.
The “stars on my floor” is an interesting concept. I think it would be cool if they were expanded upon.

“But now you're walking away, 
and Somewhere I'm gone astray.”

I do like these lines and think they come across clearly.

“I'd bring the heart of ocean 
to wish you happy birthday,”

I like the concept here and I once again love the metaphor of “the heart of ocean”. I believe there should an “an” in front of “ocean” and “a” in front of “happy birthday”.

“Even if I had to travel seaways,
But you wished for a perfect midday,
So now I'm paddling away.””

The “paddling away” concept is intriguing to me. I don’t really understand the “midday” part though.

Overall, I do enjoy the metaphors. I think you’ve got a lot of good material in this poem.

[Farhan Shaikh]

Thank you Rose.. I'll look into it

[Farhan Shaikh]

Perfect midday is for
"A girl really wants a perfect day, she is not really interested in all those things, she just wish for a normal day"

[H L Rose]

Of course!
Oh that’s interesting. I’d never heard of that.

[Najam Us Saher]

I am coming across many birthday poems these days....
Today itself I have read four of them.
Like all other poems of yours, this came straight from the heart. Well done.

[Farhan Shaikh]

I'm really glad to see your review.. thank you

[Najam Us Saher]

Thank you?
Forgot?

[Farhan Shaikh]

Ohhh nooo! I take it back

[Najam Us Saher]

Yep. That's good :)

[richieb]

Farhan,
Your words captured that time in a relationship when there is more separation than closeness. I am 64 but your words bring back memories of my early dating years. Well done.
Peace,
Richie b.

[Farhan Shaikh]

I'm glad that you came across..
Thank you