The Tattered Jester

Within the tower you sit patiently,

Awaiting your prince charming to save you, 

You sit the window with a candle at night,

Like beacon you pray for his arrival,

Many seasons have passed for this fair maiden,

And her knight had failed to show,

Then one winter night she spotted a light,

A wisp of fire darted through the trees,

And out of the shrubs fell a man of low title,

A tattered jester outlawed by the king.

He stood himself up and brushed down his clothes,

And adjusted his hat with the silver bells,

He looked up in awe at the tower so tall,

Yet the fair maiden looked down disappointed,

"Oh lady, with locks of gold why the long face?"

She sighed once and cleared her throat loudly,

"I have awaited my prince, my knight in shining armour,

Yet he has failed to make himself known" 

The jester shook his head and jingle jangled away,

"Why then your knight is but a fool,

a beauty such as yourself locked away tight,

I feel sorry for the men who cannot meet your eyes" 

She creased up her mouth, and smiled ever so slightly,

She brushed back her hair and curled it in her fingers, 

"You're sweet, you have a tongue of gold,

A suspect many a woman has fallen at your feet"

"Alas you would be mistaken you see I am merely a jester,

And a failed one at that, my jokes were so bad they gave me the sack,

Why I was even so bad the mime began to cheer"

She placed her hand to her mouth and giggled loudly,

"They don't know what they're missing,

Or maybe they're deaf"

The jester approached the tower and fell to his knees,

"My maiden so sweet and so pure, I wish I could help you,

but what could a poor old jester do,

A knight would kick the door down and carry you out,

Sweep you off your feet and take away your frown"

He then had an idea and jumped to his feet,

He began to climb the tower and quickly at that,

Up and up he went getting harder and harder,

Until he finally reached the top,

She reached out her hand and pulled him straight in,

"How will this help" she asked him outright,

"Now we're both stuck up here! No this isn't right"

"I know we cannot escape, and you're bound to this tower,

But the best thing I can offer is the company of a jester"

A few weeks had passed fleetingly so,

She had grown fond of the jester,

And his terrible jokes I may add,

Then one summer night as they looked upon the stars,

A light came from the forest,

And out did come and knight and his steed,

"Oh fair maiden, I have come to rescue you,

Wait just one moment let me kick down the door"

"Stop" she shouted, "I will hear no more,

I have fallen for this jester you make take your leave"

The knight laughed loudly and wiped the tears from his eyes,

"A jester my dear, this must be a joke?" 

"I'm afraid it is not after all I must say,

He is the jester, and the jokes are his to tell,

I'm afraid your love is no longer needed,

For I live for his humour everyday"

Reviews

[KeelyJane]

In the first four lines it reads as though I am the subject and after that the subject changes to third person.

Line 3 has "the" written twice.

I think you meant to write "I suspect many a woman" rather than "A suspect"
I would reword the entire sentence, "I suspect many women have fallen at your feet"

The line "up and up he went getting harder and harder" reads as if the Jester is getting harder and harder as opposed to the climbing of the tower.

"Now we are both stuck up here no this is right" I believe should be "isn't right"

Punctuation needs editing throughout the entire piece.

I have only highlighted a few mistakes that I noticed so I recommend reviewing the entire piece thoroughly.

Over all I think with some editing and fine tuning you could have a magical poem here. However, it reads more like a short story but either way it has potential.

:0) Thanks for sharing.

[Forgotten]

Thank you alot for this, I wrote this in the late hours of the night so I expected some mistakes, I wanted to get it down on paper before I forgot it all =D Thank you for your wonderful review

[Lina Grey]

aww,, best fairy tale ever. It has been decreed.

[Forgotten]

Awww thank you I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

[Lina Grey]

I'm not much of a fairy tale person, and I think now that it's because of how predictable and cliché they are. This is not cliché. it is sweet and original. I'm glad you wrote it :)

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Personally, I liked this one. It's nice to read a "story poem" from time to time. This reminds me of the work that I studied in college, which seemed daunting in length and breadth in the beginning and then you sort of fall into the flow.

This could, however, do with a good general edit--some typos, some grammatical issues, and some tense issues. I'd recommend giving it a good once over and fixing any of the little nagging things that take away from the pleasure of the read. Overall...a nice start to what could be a great piece.

[Forgotten]

Thank you for your wonderful review! I will definitely get around to fixing it soon and I'd love to study this kind of thing in college, but I plan to go back and study biology instead :P

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Biology should give you plenty of interesting things to write about :)

[Forgotten]

I hope so, I love biology! I want to be a teacher in the future

[Frieda P]

Okay you've tricked me into reading a short story instead of a poem, it's a gallant fairy tale. Much enjoyed where this took me, I'll take a sense of humor any day, looks fade, that knight was probably full of himself anyway! The ending was a bit lackluster compared to the rest of your work, but I much enjoyed this John.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Me at my brutal best again J-P. my partner and I read this piece. We spotted the errors Keely has pointed out but overall this would make a better short story than a poem and the ending did not contain any impact. You are trying to stray into hallowed territory that only the likes of Tennyson can carry off. You are a courageous writer who at your young age will be a very good writer because you have talent and you are not afraid to try different genres.

[Forgotten]

Thank you for your honesty and great review, I was debating about rewriting this as a short story, I went for a new style and it didn't work out quite as planned, but I'm still teaching myself :) Thank you

[redflutterby]

This is a very sweet tale. You do have some editing to do. Just some grammatical errors and a few missing words. I love what the princess says at the end. A knight can't compare to a man who makes you laugh. ;-)

[Forgotten]

Thank you! Yeah I noticed a few of the mistakes last night and was just too tired to fix them, thought I'd do it later today. Thank you for your review