Mirrors

Vanity is not a strong point, same goes for forgiveness

It has been nigh on sixty years
and although I'm with you daily, hourly,
I seek you out less and less
as seeing you is like seeing him,
and that I chose not to do fifty plus years ago
as abandonment, even then to a young child,
and more so now as a father,
was neither wanted nor understood.
I guess though this would have been worse
if all households not in the same boat,
many kids, mum, and strange men leaving
in the small hours, secretly, but not,
bad company seemingly better than none at all
for women whose self worth,
in their own eyes, worthless.

It has been nigh on sixty years
and, although not through choice,
I will see you later,
in shop windows, in puddles, passing cars,
perhaps leading me to reflect on what may have been...

Author's Note

Although this makes perfect sense to me it may not to you, if this the case please tell

Reviews

[Betty Hermelee]

I think you once mentioned in a comment to me, about abandonment
As a kid by your father…..( or your father was abusive) in any case to look back on those painful memories 50 years ago is bitter, and painful, and now as you are a father, you are especially protective of your own children…and to think perhaps how your “mum” got through it raising you kids is equally as heartbreaking. A well written piece and heartfelt.
Best
Betty

[Gee]

Thanks Betty.

[Fran Marie]

We seem to forget rather
than forgive ..forgiving is
is much more difficult.
Emotions run deep within
this piece ..understandable
from a child point of view
of his father's abandonment
of family..well penned and
.... expressed

[Gee]

Thank you Fran Marie

[Fabian G. Franklin]

I had to read this a few times to place the perspective but I caught on. I disagree with the assertion that forgiveness is a weakness though. It often takes great strength to forgive but it's something we do for ourselves, rather than for others. The British band "Bush" put out an album titled "Razorblade Suitcase" about 25 years ago. I thought the title was inspired since many times we are prone to carry around luggage that cuts us to the quick. I certainly see traces of my own father in myself, both the good and the not so good. I have his quick temper, a thing I've learned to control through years of practice. But I also have his strength, determination and courage which have been invaluable to my survival. A thought invoking read. Well done.

[Gee]

Thank you.
Had the chance, along with my older brother, to meet my errant dad 50 years ago aged 10, but decided that I didn't need to see him or have him in my life after 6 years of not seeing or hearing from him. Never did see him again and when told he had passed it was like being told a stranger had died.
I was raised by a woman who was and still is, even though 2 1/2 years gone, my ultimate role model

[Fabian G. Franklin]

He chose to be a stranger and I think you were completely justified in allowing him to continue in the role. My first wife and I divorced when my oldest daughter was very young. I surrendered custody on the grounds that a girl child needs a woman to teach her to be a woman. But I never let a chance pass to show my daughter how much I love her. I never spoke ill of her mother and would never, still to this day. We put our differences aside for the sake of our child. As for my daughter, I spoke with her yesterday and she sent me a text just hours ago. I'm still a very big part of her life and she, of mine. I have three beautiful grandchildren from her that I love just as much. It's good that you had a strong mom to serve as your role model. There's nothing so precious as family.

[Gee]

I think a father daughter bond is so much different to a father son one, perhaps it is because of our inborn desire to keep them safe at all costs.
It is good that you are still a major part of their lives

[Fabian G. Franklin]

God blessed me in my later years with another daughter. There's thirty years between her and her sister. But I love my daughters. My wife was almost 45 when she birth to her first child! We were "advised" to "terminate" due to health risks both to mother and child. We just said, NO. God's got this. I helped deliver our perfectly healthy baby girl and she's an A Honor Roll student in first grade now. We couldn't be happier. The conversations my grandchildren have with their "aunt" over the phone are PRICELESS! There's a one year difference between my oldest granddaughter and my youngest daughter. I'm a really blessed and happy man. And yes, I guess I'm what they call a "helicopter parent" but I don't trust anyone when it comes to my babies. There's too many real life horror stories out there. But I do raise strong, independent, critical thinking women. Working hard at my latest contribution to the world. Bless.

[Gee]

What a great life story Fabian, you are a lucky family to have each other

[Cyprian Van Dyke]

To be honest this poem didn't make sense to me until I read Shelley's review. But now I understand the sentiment of the poem and the powerful pull it all drove for. tyfs

[Gee]

Thank you CVD

[Shelley Warner]

It makes total sense to me. A boy abandoned by his father. A mother's self worth shattered. Images in memories, seen in puddles. Very heartfelt.

[Gee]

Thanks Shelley. Being a father myself I find it difficult to understand how a parent could abandon their child...forever

[Shelley Warner]

I can imagine how hard it must be. It's wonderful that you broke the cycle.

[barleygirl]

The honesty here is scorching, which makes your scenario super relatable . . . the stuff most people don't acknowledge, skimming over the ugliness of basic everyday human motivations . . . which, to me, are half the beauty of writing, capturing these incongruous flaws as you've done so gently, yet starkly. Have a fun Halloween weekend! (((HUGS)))

[Gee]

Thanks Margie and for an good honest review, which we all hope to receive :))

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

I get a sense from this very moving piece your reflection is a reminder of a parent you hold dear to your heart because there is a resemblance there in the features. It is a very heartbreaking poem so wonderfully written. Thank you for sharing your work with us.

[Gee]

Tis the opposite Carlos, my old man cleared off leaving mum to raise an unruly brood of seven :)
read moreTis the opposite Carlos, my old man cleared off leaving mum to raise an unruly brood of seven :)
Thank you for dropping in to read and for taking the time to comment

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

I can sympathize my parents divorced when I was in 8th grade and as soon as that happened my mom called my grandmother to move in and then basically left it to her to raise my and my younger brother while she went out to do all the things she couldn't while married. Out of me and my two other brothers I look like her the most and I hate that so much. I felt my grandmother was more a mom to me than my real mother. It's one of the reasons I hate mirrors and also why I wrote the poem "a portrait of Melancholia". Thank you for sharing your very heartfelt poem with us Gee.

[Chris Shaw]

It makes perfect sense to me Gee as I know your diamond birthday is fast approaching. I also know about your absent father. And from experience and being a few years further down the line than you, I know that mirrors aren't friends. Yes, we can reflect on our childhood and remember incidents and things which we would rather not. It is such a pity that children are abandoned by parents. Each child in my opinion needs both their mother and father. There are some who are so bitter about their other half that they make it nigh on impossible for the children to have a relationship with the absent parent. We have that going on in our family at the moment. Lengthy court processes to jump through to ensure the child in question never thinks he was abandoned. We will never give up. Thank you for this poem and I am sorry for what happened to you Gee.

Chris

[Gee]

Thanks Christine, sorry to read of your infighting.
I think, in a strange way, I am a better dad due to the fact I had no role model, either good or bad, so I became what I would have wanted :))
Hopefully my daughter has enjoyed me being her dad !

[Chris Shaw]

I am sure she has :)