If I only Could choose

this poem is not done, this is one part of it, but its talking about ho confused i am with a relationship of if he really wants me or not, member off and on for like 4 years

If only I could know
Who I love the most
Its like im opening a world of wonders upon myself
Hes the bad boy
that daddy always hated
he was the one
who brought me to love
to begin with
but yet at times he breaks my heart
the stupid things he said and does 
My family shuns upon him
turns their backs
but
i know the pain hes been through
Hes not an ordinary child at all
hes most lost
lost in a world of hurt
yes, he might be a dick
Yes, he might now be the one
you bring home to the family
He's lost in this world of disbelief
he has never looked to anyone
and he just doesn't feel wanted
yes he may hug me too tight
or kiss me too much
but
he feels safe, protected
he feels wanted in some way at least 
he was the first boy i gave that special look
he was the first guy i hugged,
and he was my first kiss.
but
he also has been my first heartache
does he even know what he wants?
for many years we go back and forth with our feelings
and every time im left stranded
os this time the time he will know what he wants?
Just to know that im his first anything,
i know im not.
but
i wish i could be.
be the first and only one he would wanna spend his life with
first one who he has kids with
the first one to be holding that baby in our arms
be the first he hugs dearly when he gets that job.
the first one he shows off to all his family and friends
saying this is my girl and my only
could i ever be that girl to him?
yes i know we different ages
different things in life
he wants to go and deal with math
and i wanna deal with teens who seek help
he wants to live high class
and i dont know what i wanna live all the time
if only i could answer these all
does he really mean he would wanna marry me.
does he really mean he wants me to be one and only
is he telling the truth when he said
he got jealous
because i was with another guy
would he even care if i walked away to hide
would he go search the world
just to find me
laying in bed crying at night?
would he make me feel like im his queen?
or am i just the one night stand girl mainly
to his eyes
im confused with whats between us two
i have no clue what to do

Author's Note

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Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I learn to give no advice in love. Except be careful. Slow and easy and know who you are dating. Men and woman will get worst with time. I like the thoughts in the poem. Love can twist us up and leave us with question. Thank you for the excellent poem.
Coyote