Recognition

(It's not a full chapter,I'm still revising .I just needed opinions)

 

“Damn that women, the day she dies is the day my life becomes perfect. I know it is treason to speak that way of Her Majesty, but I cannot stomach the thought of her bedding the King. The entire kingdom knows that she no longer bleeds and yet he still visits her chambers. Why? I wish I knew the answer; they already have their son, the heir to the Calabresse throne. No matter I will have His Grace in my possession soon enough, but for now I must sleep because tomorrow is the midsummer feast .“ With that said Mirabelle climbed the steps to her bed and  went to sleep.

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“You’ve got to get up Mirabelle; we need to get you ready for the feast!” Bruna yanked the lavish covers from Mirabelle exposing her pink satin nightgown .How she envied her long time friend , her sun-kissed skin ,luscious locks of brown hair dappled with golden strands ,the way she could command any man  that walked past her with just a gaze from those piercing green eyes.It always made her  reevaluate herself. “She should be jealous of me ,I am the one of high nobility. My father is the Duke of Mantova; my mother was once betrothed to the King of Ravenna. Her mother was nothing but a scullery maid and her father owns a book shop.” Bruna never said any of this out loud of course , but it was always nice to reassure herself .She always put on her “ready to please” face because it was better to be Mirabelle’s friend then enemy ,everyone at court knew that . 

            Interrupting her reverie Mirabelle placed a hand on Bruna’s shoulder to steady herself as she got up from the luxurious bed and stretched. “There’s much to be done today so I’ll take my breakfast in my waiting chamber; my dear Gautselin is sending a new gown and slippers for me to try on. Teresa?!  Have you seen Teresa, Bruna?”  “I think she is still sleep ,I’ll check .” Bruna made her way down the dim hallway and knocked on Teresa’s bedroom door,but there was no answer instead she heard laughter Listening a second time she realized that the sound made wasn’t from Teresa. Bruna crouched in front of the door and peeped through the keyhole .Suppressing a gasp,slowly she backed away from the door  doubled the speed of her pace and returned to Mirabelle’s chambers.  

            “So where is she,” Mirabelle asked impatiently.  “welcoming another page boy between her legs I presume? Honestly if that girl didn’t have such strong ties to the king I wouldn’t keep her around. No matter we will have to move on without her .I will have a bath of goat’s milk Bruna, also  go get that servant girl and bring her to me .“  Waving her out Mirabelle walked to her desk and sat down ,enjoying what little alone time she had .Opening a drawer she pulled out a quill, ink and her  journal made of the finest leather lined with black lace .She took a long pause trying to organize the letter in her head and started to write; 

My dear Gautselin,

    Perhaps you will honor me with your presence and slip away from the feast for a moment.I’d like to thank you properly for my new gown .Maybe then you won’t have to admire it from afar .I will be waiting in my bed chamber ,until then my love.

         Yours forever,

              Mirabelle

She tore the letter from the book and folded it twice. She sighed and made her way to the washroom placing the letter under her pillow on the way .Somehow Bruna managed to get Teresa out of bed because there she was pouring rose water in the tub and complaining about how long the chambermaids took to warm the milk .Clearing her throat Mirabelle waited for one of them to unlace her night gown and brush out the knots from her previous slumber. Then, she stepped in the tub and sunk deeper submerging everything but her head in the milk and exhaled. Bruna sat on a stool and started washing Mirabelle’s hair in a golden basin. Silence.

            “Oh I can hardly wait for the feast ! My father brought me the most beautiful gown and headdress from France ,after all they are the most stylish.“ Teresa always broke the sound barrier . “Besides that …Mirabelle who might you be entertaining  tonight? ” Teresa asked  twirling around the room humming to herself . She knew the answer of course ,everyone did.

            Mirabelle smirked and waited for some sort of disapproving statement from Bruna,but she heard nothing .“You’re awfully quiet today .Is something bothering you?” Mirabelle asked stepping out of the bath and onto the cold tile exposing her naked body. She took her  towel from one of the  chambermaids and started to dry off .Still watching Bruna she slipped on her robe and waited for an answer.

            “Uh nothing really I just have a few things I need to do . I’ll see you later on tonight ? “  With that Bruna rushed off before Mirabelle could interrogate  her any further. Mirabelle started to follow but but she was gone. Deciding against comforting her friend Mirabelle Returned to Teresa ,she noticed that Julia, her servant ,had arrived and was waiting by the vanity in the next room. “What’s gotten in to her Riza ,she was just fine a moment ago.” Mirabelle said as they both made their way towards Julia. “….maybe you should go check on her I bet it has something to do with tonight .” Teresa waited for Mirabelle to sit down at the mirror and began to brush her hair  “You’re probably right can you handle everything for a while Belle ?” Mirabelle smiled ,nodded and shooed her away. She waited a minute before approaching Julia ,who was arranging her attire for the evening ,handling every piece of the garment delicately . 

            “Julia ….” the girl swiveled around and noticed that it was only the two of them in the room .Mirabelle walked past her and felt for the letter under her pillow and sat down on the bed patting the space beside her Julia sat down waiting.  “…..I have a very important task for you tonight. All you have to do is find a way to get this letter to His Majesty .” Mirabelle handed her the letter ,but before she could explain Julia broke in .

“The King! Oh ,but how, I am but a girl!With no title.How will I get into the dining ha-“

Julia was silenced with the women’s finger pressed gently to her distressed lips.

“Silence you silly wench .You should really learn to listen it will come in handy.Now,If I may continue . Tonight I will introduce you as a cousin from the country. If anyone is to ask of your parents simply say that your mother has died of the plague and your father is out of the country for political reasons.You will be given a proper bath,a gown,stockings,and appropriate shoes .Now go to Teresa’s chamber and she will take care of everything.When you finish she is to bring you straight here so we may enter together .Understood?”

All Julia could do was nod for her mouth felt dry and her tongue swollen.

“Good ,now go ,we haven’t anytime to spare.”

She watched as the young girl nearly stumbled walking out of her room .It was a good thing that the court of the Calabresses wasn’t as formal as many others for it would take her days to teach proper etiquette to the peasant girl.Not bothering with finding another servant to help her dress she slipped into the pale green gown thankful that the corset strings were in the front of her cream colored bodice .Pulling each string tighter than the last ,watching in the mirror as the inches were disappearing from her waist until she was pleased with the dramatic curves of her body .With time to spare ,Mirabelle walked to her waiting chamber and started to pick at her forgotten breakfast ,then took a seat by the window that overlooked one of the Palace’s many gardens and closed her eyes.

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Drifting into the thoughts of her well thought out plan she didn’t realize when Teresa knocked on the door and entered with Julia at her heels. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing ,this girl had been transformed into a beautifully “lady “ .

“By god what witchery have you committed, women” Mirabelle asked with a smile “She’s splendid, come child let me take a look.”She extended her hand to Julia waiting for her to take it .When she did Mirabelle spun her around and marveled at the wonders a gown and face paint could do.

“Ok Julia when you and I enter the room we will be split up

Reviews

[hhoosh]

Every reviewer before me has held back and once again polluted honesty with "nice." I assure you, I'm not going to.

This story is so broken up and incomprehensible that I don't understand why it is even posted. Despite your honesty that you don't understand punctuation and basic writing skills, that doesn't justify posting something so crude and unprofessional as this.
The second most important part about writing is editing. It's not "helpful," it's necessary.
You didn't edit this, and because of that you don't even deserve a review. If you had gone over this story with but one look-through (though two or three is essential) with a critical eye, then probably 60% of these huge, consistent errors wouldn't be here.
But you didn't, which is not only an aspect of your unprofessional lean on writing, but is even more, revealing that this story had absolutely no interest or potential from you personally and that you truly have no attachment via human to this story.
If you've ever read anything before, you could have figured out at least some of the proper comma placements and paragraph structures. That's how you develop writing skills, not by just junking up a series of cliches and writing, but by polishing.
Everyone writes stories that they find they don't care for. If you're not going to put any time into making a story as comprehensible as you can and as close to mental-ideal as possible, then don't post it. Leave it in word to collect dust and start working on another.
There is no shame in finding that for a week you've been writing a story you find you really never cared about. It happens. A lot.

If you want to write a bunch of impulsive, unedited poetry and post it, do so. There are millions of week-long manic-writers all over this site, and their garbage works will remain on here for a long time.
A story, though, is not designed to be garbage in so easy a way as it is for poetry. It takes effort to write even a bad story, and an even greater effort to read it. The least you can do is try to make it as cleanly as you can for the latter.
Maybe, when you do, someone might post a review that offers you some advice. "Loved it!" is not a review; it's a cop-out and cowardly manuever.

[Prodigo]

Learning grammar will come with time. M. Freeman for the most part is right. Just read more and you'll catch on. I know you want the short, terse prose effect but you'll develop the style as you go along. In the mean time, more re writes and this will be better.

[M. Freeman]

Wow. Dude below was kind of a dick--specifically, a self-aggrandizing dick who confuses honesty and candor. There's some pretty rough sections in here, but there's also some strong material as well. Hopefully my feedback will prove useful.

Key points: first off, spelling and grammar. Spell-check is your friend, and the formatting of the piece makes it look very rough on the eyes. Put together, it does make it very hard to get through.

Second: narrative. Dialogue is sharp, but the prose itself is a bit stilted and overwrought. Consider the following snippet:

"With that Bruna rushed off before Mirabelle could interrogate her any further. Mirabelle started to follow but but she was gone. Deciding against comforting her friend Mirabelle Returned to Teresa ,she noticed that Julia, her servant ,had arrived and was waiting by the vanity in the next room."

You see there how you keep starting with these active clauses? "Deciding against comforting her friend," etc. and so forth. I saw a lot of these, to the point where it felt like a tic. Don't worry, though, it's a weakness of mine too. Just... be aware of it.

Finally, detail: This is clearly a period piece, but you use phrases like "sound barrier" which wouldn't have been existing concepts within this era. Your choice of setting rather limits the language you can use, otherwise you risk sounding inconsistent. For a great example of period language in descriptive prose, check out "Fitzpatrick's War" by Theodore Judson. It's Steampunk-fantasy, sure, but it reads like a classical Edwardian yarn of British military-fiction.

Conclusion: You have strong characters, decent and accessible dialogue, and an interesting use of broken structure. All of these things are good. However, the revision absolutely needs another round through spell check, and frankly I would advise you read the piece aloud to yourself, as I find that helps me isolate weak prose.

Thanks for sharing, and I hope this helps!

[Tony]

"I would like to thank the little people........ blah blah blah....."
Oh, all right, I will buy the story but you have to have some hangings, and beheadings, and breakin' an braidin' an all, or I'll never be able to suffer through it.
I am sure it will be a good story as long as it is as good as your poetry, which I like.
I wonder why they don't have a program that will fix all our grammar errors for us.....or do they?

[chaotic katie]

fantastic chapter it was great and very powerful i loved it

[Franklin...]

Interesting, and it moves along nicely. The opening paragraph does a good job of drawing one into the story. I can only repeat what others have mentioned about the vagueness of the other characters. You might consider explaining the working relationship between Mirabelle and the other women, for those of us not familiar with the ways of the nobility/royalty of the time.

[Screamplay]

Wonderful so far :] Ever since seeing The Other Boleyn Girl, I've loved everything about Tudor england, and this seems like it'll be great.

[Brittany]

Wow, this is great. I couldn't stop reading. I just have a few things that I think you could improve on.
There are some places were you just simply need to edit, especially put insome commas and things like that.
Also, I think you jump in really fast. Maybe if there was a slight introduction or prologue sort of thing? That would probably help
Overall, it's fantastic! Keep going, I want to read :)

[Cheyenne]

I really afree with scott. Give your characters more detail you describe Mirabella very well but not bruna and i also think as the chracters speak they should be by spaces just to shouw speech in the story. Also divide the praragraphs that will help with the speech being divided also!! A very great story you have here in the first part it is enjoyable i really want to know who teresa was in bed with!! I cant wait for the next part :)

[HappyAccident]

Wow .Okayy see this is the type of critique I'm looking for .Everyone else was helpful ,but you actually gave me advice I could use thanks