9 1/2 Better If you were naked

I drift between thoughts and dreams for awhile.
silently playing a one way game with her.
Closing my eyes and counting backwards from a hundred until she nudges me.
a small and gentle action but we both know its not personal or passionate.
its to make sure I'm alive and stay that way instead don't fall asleep and drown.
100. 99. 98. 97. 96. 95. 94. 93. 92. 91.89. 88. 87. 86. 85       Finally breaking the ten seconds record.
I lift one eye lid, just a little  she might not even notice if shes not watching for the little light that I know reflects in my eyes. the give away for children pretending to be asleep everywhere.

Flash attacks my wary eyes and blinds for a moment.
"These pictures would be a lot better if you were naked"
when I can see again I see her smiling.
it doesn't reach her eyes.
but it makes me start to feel alive again anyway.
I smile back.
and she takes my picture again.
I reach my hand out for the camera and she carefully obliges.
I turn it on her.
she smiles and pretends like she might plan to slash me.
"Why did you look so sad earlier?"
all of the smiles in the room disappear.
"when you kissed me"
silence is her answer,
I don't know what I'm saying, don't know what I'll say next but I NEED it out of me, I NEED it to be out there waiting for an answer even if I don't want the pain of one.
I NEED it to stop clawing at my insides trying to force itself out.
"more then sad   you were in pain"
just like me.
she doesn't answer,
she gets out of the tub,
completely wet,
and leaves me in the bathroom,
in the water by myself.
I shouldn't feel like I need her to watch over me but I'm scared of what I'm capable of right now.
I get one precious picture,
before she is gone.
apparently not caring if I drown now or not.

I ruin everything.