The Soliloquy of a Black Heart

A story that explores insecurities, love, inner demons, internal conflict, and infatuation, all experienced a teenage delinquent who falls in love with a smart, beautiful, and talented girl.

The

Soliloquy

Of a Black Heart

A short story by:

Ian Titian

 

I was naught but an average kid born in an atmosphere of art and literature. The fine works of all the classic authors, poets, and painters, they surrounded my then innocent existence, in physical forms of my mother and brother’s books and actual paintings that my father painted.

For a time in my life, especially during my early adolescence, they seized my interest, and my eyes radiated a strong spark of passion. I read them. I studied them. I imitated them ... and in my early teenage years I even began writing short stories and novels that expressed said passion, inspired by works of literary geniuses and excellent filmmakers. I had a noble dream ... but alas, that dream was extinguished along the way.

During my later high school years, the ember of passion and hope for a bright and successful future within me died, and I fell into a spiral of sorrow, misery, guilt, insecurities, and fear, that drove me to do foul things. Acts that broke the law and would make some ‘respectable’ members of society cringe.

I began drinking, smoking, and participating in late night convoys and gatherings with a gang of fellow young men who had the same aura of bleak darkness emitting from their bodies.

My heart and soul had died, and years of peer pressure, criticism, isolation, lack of respect, and neglect had caused me to become the rotten shell of the once passionate kid that I was. I became a dreamless rogue with no direction in my life. My parents grew more and more busy, and as I grew older they began giving me less attention. Those were the causes of my spiral into damnable delinquency. Those, and one other factor, the absence of love.

I became no stranger to rage and violence, though not love and compassion. Meaning, regarding those two latter emotions I mentioned, I was, in fact ... a stranger.

Love is truly an unexpected storm of pleasurable sensations that erupt from the heart, before making its influence across all parts of our body. It conjures butterflies within one’s stomach, they say, and it can produce goosebumps, headaches, or unnatural sweating. Truly, love is a powerful emotion. Love, and compassion ... those two strong emotions I always longed for to fill the void in my black, corrupted heart, but fie ... I never actually felt the true meaning of those emotions.

Not at least, until one fateful day ...

After quite a lot of patience was put into my effort to pursue the true meaning of love, I finally found it, and it was on one beautiful late afternoon, on a Saturday, during a sunset. That was when I first met the girl who had, and still has, even to this day, the ability to capture my utmost interest upon laying my eyes on her. Saturday, September 24th, 2017.

Her name is Lani. Now, what is she like, you may ask? Well, she is a tall girl with an alluring and shapely posture. Her hair is jet black and long, her dark brown eyes are like brilliant Onyxes shining with fiery passion.

Just who is she? I stood frozen outside my chamber door, upon seeing her tie her shoes on my living room that one afternoon. There were other human beings present, all with familiar faces, but the second my eyes landed upon her, all others who were also present there suddenly seemed so unimportant to me. It was only her that was a radiating a strong aura of such gravity that was able to suck my whole attention towards her.

“Who is she, dear mother?” I asked in an excited tone.

“A new student dear, she just entered today.” Answered my dear mother quite frankly.

I understood.My father owns a latin dance club with both male and female membersof course, and she was the newcomer.

“Ian, here ... meet Lani, she is also a new college student just like you, you know?” Introduced one of the members of our latin dance club. He is a tall, pale man who wears glasses, and he was the one who introduced Lani to the club.

“Oh, really?” I asked before approaching her. How an ember of excitement lit up within my heart the second I learned of that interesting fact. Lani was smiling brightly and genuinely as I my face shone with interest.

It turns out, after a bit of conversation, that she is a university student majoring in Chemistry at a University near my very own. “Fie! Chemistry? How smart! For a someone to pursue such an extremely difficult subject with burning passion is truly amazing!” I thought.

 

Now, for the answer, I will tell you, dear audience, a tale of how I fell in love with her.

We had a long chit chat, and not even a single second of our conversation felt boring or awkward, not even for one goddamn second. Filled with laughter and jokes, it turned out that herex-boyfriend is a very close friend of mine whom I often hung out with, while a girl whom shared the same high school as her is my classmate.

“Such a small world, huh?” I chuckled.

“Such a small world, exactly!” She replied with a hint of amusement as well.

Such a small world, tis a quote often repeated as a general inside joke and refrence within our relationship to come. However, that is I did not know, for even I myself was not completely sure of whether or not a strong bond or relationship between us was possible, no matter how deeply infatuated with her I was.

That night, after the latin dance practice was over, I asked her a simple question. So simple, yet it was what gave me the courage to further my pursuit of her love. “Where are you gonna go after this?” I asked her.

“Home. I’ve got some errands to do.” She answered.

“Aren’t you gonna go out, with your boyfriend perhaps? It’s Saturday night...” I asked once more.

“Oh..” She chuckled. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

I could feel a broad smile spread across my face as I heard that, and I had not the power to restrain it. My feeling of happiness and relief was just too strong. At that point I knew ... I knew what I had to do. It was a green light for me. “I can do this!” I thought to myself.

That very same night I hung out with a bunch of my friends, around fourteen of them, at a small cafe with a great view of the outdoor scenery and the beautiful night sky. The cafe had two floors, and it was illuminated by romatic orange lightbulbs hanging from the roof.  It was there that I first used my phone to chat with her, my crush, the beautiful, alluring, intriguing girl ... Lani.

One of my friends who was hanging out with me that night just happened to be Lani’s ex that I mentioned before, and I used his presence near me to initiate a stronger conversation topic with her in our chat.

All of my friends were busy exchanging jokes and stories with each other, but I didn’t care, not at that moment anyway, for exchanging jokes and stories with my crush, Lani was far more exciting to me. I was too busy chatting her that night, that everything and everyone else suddenly seemed unimportant.

I even insisted on borrowing a charger from another one of my friends who was present, and so we walked from that cafe all the way to his car, which was parked quite a distance from the cafe, just so I could continue chatting with her as my battery ran low. I had to do it. She was all that occupied my mind, heart, and soul at that point in time.

I charged my phone and the cashier on the first floor of the cafe before heading back up to the second floor once again to join my friends, and occasionally, quite often even,I went back and forth between the cashier and my friends just so I could keep on chatting with her.

Truly, so very truly ... it was exciting. I was so lovestruck ... I was so happy, and the girl ... how it lit up my heart so very much that she was just as engaged in the chat as I was.

“Good night, Lani.” I ended the chat that night when I was already back at my own home, laying on my bed.

“Good night ...” She replied.

“Merci, God. Merci...” I thought quietly before closing my eyes to slumber that one eventful, beautiful night...

For the next two days we kept on chatting, with both of us just so obviously very interested in doing so. On the second night we even talked for hours on the phone, discussing more personal and more intimate topics, and how very beautiful and enchanting that experience was. It was like a dream come true. “Could she really be the one?” I asked myself.

I was hopeful, regarding the answer. I was hopeful for the future even, for once! For once, Goddamnit! For once, in my adolescence, I was actually hopeful for the future ... but no, it wasn’t that easy.

How, you may ask? Well, a wave of insecurities suddenly conflicted with my positive thoughts as if it was trying to prevent my heart and soul from shining the second night that we chatted. The fear that I wasn’t good enough, the fear of rejection, the fear of the possibility that I might mess things up and ruin my chances. The fear of being embarassed. Those dark and foul emotions materialized in my head, personified as rough demons with devilish grins, whispering in my weak and vulnerable ears, “You’re not good enough ... You don’t deserve her ... She is a theatre maestro with a level of scientific and literary intellect far exceeding you, and who are you anyways? You’re just a street kid ...”

In that quiet night I was subjected to hearing the evil voices of those demonic thoughts in a voice all too familiar to me ... for they all spoke in my own voice.

Who am I? Just a street kid with no clear direction in life? Perhaps I was, and I would’ve thought so, but my longing for the girl strengthened the positive angels that shouted back in opposition to the foul demons that were my negative thoughts. “Who am I? I’m a passionate young man who has written plenty of novels, short stories, and poetries! I understand literature and art, and I have passion in that, AND it is that very passion that will open up the road towards a bright future for me!”

“Ah, but remember all of the things you’ve done? You’re just a bleak young man with glazed eyes who smokes, drinks, and goes wild in the night under the surveilance of only the moon to guide you and your fellow feral comrades through. Do you really think she will accept you?” Shouted the foul negative demons in response, and of course, in the very same voice, which was my own.

For hours on end on that silent night the two sides of me clashed and conflicted. I was tired, and other than the voices in my own head, only the ticking of my wall clock and the sweet sound of crickets from outside my humble chamber were audible to my ears. That night, I fell asleep, still confused, conflicted, and uncertain of the answer to the question, Is she the one? Can I possibly ever get her?

It was only the following day that my confidence rose and I became damn near certain of the answer. The day of the week most people would hate for interrupting their precious weekend. It would’ve been just another boring, uneventful day for me too, if not for what happened that late afternoon.

It was raining very heavily, like a storm almost, and it was then that I learned that she had to go to her campus to submit an assignment.

“How are you going to get home?” I asked her through text.

“I’m still not sure ...” She replied almost instantly.

“I’ll pick you up. Wait there.” I then offered. T’was an offer I had to repeat and insist on several times until she finally agreed.

“But my hair is wet and I look so ugly right now ... is it okay?” She even asked in one of her text messages.

 I only chuckled. “How ... just how could a girl as beautiful and majestic as you are EVER be ugly? It’s impossible ... girl, you are perfect in my eyes. Wie schon du bist. Wie schon du bist...” I thought.

Back then, I was hanging out at a large  outdoor foodcourt next to her university, with three friends.

“Where are you going? It’s still trickling rain...” Asked one of my friends, a tall light-skinned skinny boy with slightly curly hair.

“I’m going to pick up a girl.” I answered with a sense of pride in myself. Pride, for I was about to pick up a girl, whom to me personally, was the most beautiful and enchanting girl I had ever met.

Through the windy, trickling rain I drove from the food court to the university where she was at. I did not care, not slightly, not even one bit about the drops of rain that fell upon my face like needles piercing my rough skin and facial features. I didn’t care! What I was pursuing is so beautiful that an obstacle like the rain, no matterhow heavy, was absolutely nothing to me!

I drove and drove, and after I stopped at the destined meeting point I waited. My heart was pounding, racing, faster even than the fastest speed comprehensible by mankind. At least, that’s what I felt, especially after my eyes spotted her gracefully walking from afar.

“Hello...” I greeted her simply with a smile.

Lani smiled back and not a word she said, for she only stood there and observed her face on the rearview mirror of my motorcycle for a couple of seconds. “Do I look pretty?” She asked.

“Of course!” I replied. “Wie schon du bist! Wie schon du bist!” I thought, though the words only stayed in my head.

“Are we going straight home?” This time me being the one who asked the question.

“Don’t you want to eat first, or something?” She asked.

I was so happy to hear that she just offered to turn my free ride into a date. I was so excited, and immediately, almost instantaneously I answered, “Oh yes! Of course! That’s a great idea!”

We then ate at one of her favorite restaurants. It was a noodle cafe of average size, and there, under the sunset obscured by thick, grey clouds that emitted rain from the heavens, we talked and laughed and joked around. It was there that we grew closer and more intimate and comfortable with each other.

In that blissful moment I suddenly remembered a quote that one of my friends once said, “I love the rain ... it’s so romantic.” So truly it was, my friend. You’re right...

I still remember very distinctly in my head, some of the things that she said back then, on our first date. “How long have you been smoking?” She asked me as laid her head on my right shoulder.

“Since tenth grade.” I answered simply.

She slapped me once in response. I was rather surprised, but I didn’t mind that at all. “But ... I only told my parents that I was smoking in tenth grade.” I then continued.

She slapped me for the second time, before asking, “How many sticks of cigarettes do you smoke per day?”

“It depends. Sometimes around ten or so, other times more than that.” I answered with pure, white-as-silk honesty.

Upon hearing that, she slapped me for the third time, this time harder than the previous ones she landed upon my cheek.

“Ow!” I exclaimed.

It was only after the series of relatively painful slaps that the most unexpected experience happened to me. She leaned closer, and planted a soft, passionate, loving kiss on my right cheek.

“Wow ...” I just thought in my head as my eyes widened my whole being froze. My brain took longer than needed to process what just happened. Understandable though, for it was the first time since forever that another human being actually planted a kiss on my rough cheek.

I was awestruck. I was amazed. I was ... speechless. My heart was pounding so hard and fast that I felt like it was all too ready to jump out of my chest.

...

The very next day I was helping my friend pick up some consumption for the inaguration practice of my major. He was riding his motorcycle and I was sitting behind him as I told him the story of how the girl of my dreams kissed my cheek on the first date. I was so amused to see that he was so amazed, surprised, and dumbfounded.

“Wow... that rarely ever happens, man! Trust me! You need to ask her to be your girlfriend as quickly as possible! That’s a green light right there! Trust me man, do it!” He insisted.

“Yeah, you think so?” I asked him. I felt so proud and happy hearing his words of encouragement, for it only pushed my confidence and determination in asking her to be my girlfriend.

That very same day also, I had another date with Lani, and this time she introduced me to a simple and small restaurant that served cheap yet delicious fried chicken.

There, we sat in the corner furthest from the door, and there was absolutely no distance that I felt between me and her as our shoulders were pressed against each other.

It was there and then also, that we delved into more intimate and passionate subject, thus strengthening our bond and trust in each other. It was so unbelivable how comfortable we felt around eacher, even talking about intimate subjects that most people would only consider telling their most trusted partner or best friend that they’ve known for years past. It was unbelievable how much we already trusted each other enough with such important and personal subjects on our second date, even though we onlyfirst met three days prior.

Her eyes were shining with kindness and compassion with every word she uttered as she told her stories to me, and I felt instantly connected to her, mind, body, and soul, everytime we talked as our eyes locked at each others’. It was as if we had known each other since forever, and my determination to get her to be my girlfriend only grew stronger still.

That night, all night long, we continued chatting, and not a single other object or subject in this realistic, materialistic world seemed important to me, for it was only her once again, that had managed to absorb my whole interest. Lani, t’was the only name I repeated over and over again, and everything, every beautiful feature of her physical appearance and personality was all that I could think about. I was truly, so deeply in love.

However, as lovestruck and confident as I had become at that point, my demons still returned.

After I put my phone down after bidding my precious angel whom the Gods had named Lani good night, silence swept through the room that was my chamber ... and it is in that very silence did my foul demons knock on the gate to my brain. I tried shutting them out, but they were persistent.

Sure, my confidence had powered my positive thoughts, the guardian angels to the window of my soul, but still, the demons got stronger too! How damn unfortunate. “Yes, you may be certain that she likes you back now, but what if you only end up hurting her feelings? What if you let her down? What if you eventually lose her love?”

Such foul words coming from my own head, but what did the personification of my postive thoughts and confidence, my guardian angels say in response? Zip. Zero. Not a single word, for the truth was. I still couldn’t answer that, for they were all questions and threats too damn realistic to counter. Nevertheless, my guardian angels still had to strength to whisper in my ear, “Go for it! Just try it,for I’m sure you, of all people, can do it!”

As conflicted as my soul and mind was, I kept going, and on my third date, on Wednesday, September 27th, 2017, something so truly magical and damn near miraculous happened.

That night, I decided to take her to a small cafe a bit far from the center of town. It was on a quiet street, and the classic wooden cafe had both an indoor and outdoor area. The design of the cafe was simple, with wooden poles and railings, tables, chairs, and doors. Like the cafe I mentioned before, this particular scenic cafe was also decorated with dim orange lightbulbs, not too bright. Perfect for an intimate date with a special someone dearest to one’s heart. I had known the place for a while, but prior to that fateful day, I always went there with a bunch of my friends, joking around, playing cards, and whatnot. However, that night was different. I was with Lani. The girl of my dreams. The girl in my heart.

That night, we sat on the outdoor area that was quite at a distance from the other visitors, and our seat was extremely dimly lit. Nevertheless, we felt very comfortable there, especially in the presence of each other, under the bright starry sky and accompanied by cool gustsof evening wind.

On that third date, that very njght, Lani decided the tell the story of her extremely bitter experience and break-up with her ex-boyfriend, whom she met after she broke up with her previous ex who was my friend.

I felt a foul emotion rise within my heart, and I could even feel the temperature of my body rise after hearing her story. My eyes sharpened into a glazed glare at emptiness, while my hands clenched into a fist.

How foul! How foul it was, the tale she told of how her boyfriend wasted her and betrayed her undying love. She had given him everything ... Everything! Yet even so, the heartless, damnable boy who is her ex-boyfriend had the guts to treat her like trash, and spread bad rumors of how Lani was the one who betrayed her and cheated on him.

He manipulated his friends at his high school to hate her, even though he himself was the one who actually cheated on her. But no, that wasn’t the story the little b*****d told. He made up petty false rumors of how Lani was only weighing him down and in his sorrow he met another girl who saved him.

Lies! Bitter, goddamn lies no better than ones that only demons in the depths of hell would tell! How horrible it must be for Lani. Lani, who gave him all of her heart, soul, mind, and body ... who trusted him with her sacred and sincere love, who tried everything to change him into the kind boy he was in the earlier months of the relationship. Lani, who refused to give up on him, holding on to a ray of hope that one day he might love her again, who held on to his empty promises he uttered in the earlier months of their relationship.

A male is not a man if he betrays his loved one and breaks his own promises. No man does that, only pathetic little boys and cowards who don’t have any guts do that, and that is what Lani’s ex-boyfriend is.

The poor girl sobbed and cried for months on end since her ex treated her badly. Her room became a silent witness of her unrelenting sorrow, coming from her aching heart that had been broken into a million pieces.

Her unmoving walls, her ticking wall clock, her innocent painting of a flower she once produced, her damp pillow and bedsheets, all were physical, undeniable proof of the misery she once felt, and how an aching heart could nearly kill a person physically, completely extinguish one’s ember of passion, and destroy a person’s soul.

That’s what the poor girl once experienced. Dare I say, a girl of such beauty and elegance in body and soul does not deserve that kind of experience.

Lani! If you are reading this part, please ... please, by all means, realize! Realize that you are worth more than all of the gold, diamonds, and gems of absolute purity in this world combined! You are precious, beautiful, compassionate, loving, kind, and worthy! Never, and I mean, NEVER lose a sense of your self worth.Remember that, Lani! Love yourself, love your soul, love your body, and love your passion. Do not ever let anyone take that away from you. Do not ever forget that! Respect others greatly, yes! But also, do not forget to respect yourself!

That was what I wanted to scream upon hearing her unbelievably tragic story, but then I continued listening, and I heard the tale of how she gained back her senses.

One day, she just decided to stop crying. She realized that her feelings for the boy had become useless, and it was only a waste of time for her to wallow in her sorrow and misery. She then decided to begin the process to erase him from her mind, memories, and heart.

She rejoined the artistic and magnificent theatre group that she was once a part of, she decided to focus on her studies at college, and she eventually decided to join my parents’ latin dance club, where she met me. All of this she did in an effort to fill her time effectively with pleasurable activities that she knew will be useful for her future.

How smart. How wise. How excellent her decision was. She had learned that her tiny hope that the boy who betrayed her will eventually come back to her was naught but an empty hope that will never be fulfilled, and so she decided to reignite her passion and rebuild her heart. She had managed to turn her sorrow and misery into strength. How truly admirable.

After Lani had finished telling her whole story in that quiet and romantic night cafe decorated with dim lightbulbs, I found that a single emotion had reigned within me. Complete and utter admiration for the girl. To me, she’s like a majestic, elegant, independent queen who has risen from the depths of a worldly inferno, to fight for her future and reach for the heavens.

It was right during my moment of admiration that she decided to hug me tight and say lovingly, “I feel so comfortable with you. I feel like I’m with my younger brother.”, before proceeding to continously kiss my neck and left cheek in a manner so gentle and warm that it completely melted the darker side of me and filled me with wonderful, joyous sensations I cannot even explain with words.

I turned my head slightly to the left to kiss her nose, but as I did, she suddenly moved as well and pressed her own lips against mine. Wow. A kiss on the lips. Third date, fifth day since knowing each other, September 27th, 2017.

A tingling, electric, surprising sensation coursed through my bloodstream as she shared her warmth through her soft, delicate lips that she moved in a compassionate motion, pressed against my own.

After a few seconds, we stopped. I was at a complete loss for words, quiet as a statue. In fact, I was so extremely quiet that Lani suddenly became concerned, “What is it? Did I do something wrong?” She asked me in a somewhat guilty tone.

I remained silent for a few seconds, with eyes staring into blank space. Only a few seconds later was I able to build up the courage to ask, “Lani, would you like to be my girlfriend?”

“Huh?” Asked Lani. She was so utterly surprised, and her eyes widened.

“Would you like to be my girlfriend?” I repeated the important question while the speed of my heart’s pounding grew faster and harder still. However, I knew I had to do it. I needed to prove myself that I could, no matter the consequences, for it was the only way I could silence my inner demons.

“Huh?” Asked the beautiful girl once again, though this time a small smile formed on her face. It was small, yet so bright and alluring, almost hypnotic, even.

My heart, at that point, felt like it had ripped open my rib cage and was beginning to pound on my delicate chest, tearing it apart from the inside. “Girl, oh Lani! Can you please just tell me the answer? Please, oh dear God ... have mercy on my poor sinful soul ...” I thought.

“Yes. Let’s do it. September 27th, 2017, okay?” She finally answered as her gorgeous smile broadened and her eyes finally lit up, a surefire, sincere sign of an agreement.

I won. I had succeeded. I had conquered my inner demons and managed to prove to myself that even I could change and finally get myself the girl of my dreams. A passionate girl. A smart girl of unrelenting strength, determination, and passion. A girl so precious and majestic that I almost didn’t believe the events that had happened in the five days since I first met her. God ... Merci! Thank you! Gracias! For gifting my poor, sinful soul an angelic girl whom I could love and cherish and protect with all of my heart. Truly you are kind.

Finally! Despite all of the horrible experiences I had in the past, all of the terrible, feral things I’ve done since I gave up my future, and despite the momentary death of my heart, when rage, violence, and lust occupied it, corrupting it ... despite all of that, I was able to finally once again feel ... true happiness, in all sense of the word.

Happiness. Gratitude.Victory.

That night, as she hugged me tight from behind and rested her head on my back while I rode my motorcycle on the way to her home, I felt a truly new sensation. The cool gust of late night air blowing against my face, the quiet road, the silent witness of the stars and moon, and the pure and genuine happiness within my heart ... all of those sensations formed tears on my eyes.

I was used to riding my motorcycle through the quiet roads of my town very late at night, with the moon, the mistress of the night, being my witness, but before that night, the happiness I felt was almost always alcohol induced. It was anything but pure, and I wasn’t riding with the object of my heart’s adoration, but rather accompanied by my fellow feral friends from my gang each riding their own motorcycles near my own.

That night, on September 27th, 2017, it was so very, truly different. The world was me and Lani’s alone. Ours alone, and nothing else seemed to matter. I felt like we were characters in a play, the most important centerpieces, who had the whole stage to ourselves.

“I love you!” Screamed Lani suddenly.

Upon hearing her sweet, sweet words spoken with utmost sincerity, I screamed back, directed at the clear night sky above, “I love you too!”

Finally, I managed to climb out of the spiral of delinquency, doubt and sorrow as a strong, passionate man. Stronger, and more passionate than ever before, with a treasured hope for a bright future ... all because of you Lani. Thank you ... and thank you, God, once again, for gifting her to me. I had finally beaten my own demons.