Getting to Happy

I am alone watching the light recede from my path as if swallowed,

Then, there is the moonlight on uneven pavement,

In the old Spanish town which I have borrowed.

 

Three nights I’ve slept in an adobe villa, hollow,

the odor of sea on everything; this moment

I am alone watching light recede from my path as if swallowed.

 

But it is the music that life is here I follow

Stalled days, that in me flower movement.

In the old Spanish town which I have borrowed.

 

I will go to the Plaza tomorrow

through archways, past cafes, forgetting that

I am alone watching the light recede from my path as if swallowed.

 

One day I watch the old man, with fish brought up from the sea below,

Listen to the noise of him preparing paella, in the air its scent

In the old Spanish town which I have borrowed.

 

In the evening, wind soft as petals, I go down to the cafe along the sea

watching the light warm the earth around us 

In the old Spanish town which I have borrowed 

Reviews

[JenniferMarie]

my try at a Villanelle. needs work ..

[A.J.]

funny, I didnt see you there..

[JenniferMarie]

Yes I don't like this one too much. I just tried to use form. I studied in Spain and miss it so sometimes My expetiences crawl onto the page.

Happy writing,
Jennifer

[A.J.]

well I like it!

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you :) I'm my toughest critic. Thanks again.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you, Jennifer...i borrowed your words and travelled with you.

nice what you did with this form...so smoothly incorporated into the piece.

jacob

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you Jacob. Your comments always encourage and I appreciate it. I have to work on making things more clear here I think, but it's a first draft.

Thank you again,
Jennifer

I know if I can't go to Spain right now I'll just have to write about it. :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

don't tinker too much..it is good as it is...and sounds very natural in its delivery.

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you Jacob. I will take your advice.

[Angi]

This looks like Villanelle. Lovely images and scents linger here. You are always travelling in your works, Jennifer! Have you been to these places? Beautifully done! Angi~

[JenniferMarie]

It is my first try at a Villanelle. You are correct. Yes, I have been to these places and I miss them. I studied in Spain and have been many times, but it's been a while. I miss everything about it. and I've been to London which I miss as well. All I do now is work. :(

I need to clean this poem up, but it's so hard to follow the pattern and rhyme and all. I'm so use to free verse.

[Angi]

I really like it. I think there should be one more line in the last stanza. It should be 5 tercets followed by a quatrain. ...making 19 lines. Jennifer, i have tried and tried to do one. These suckers are hard to do! Keep tweaking! You almost have one complete. It is beautiful, too!

[JenniferMarie]

I noticed that. Just when I thought I finished this poem! I need to add a line. :-/

[JenniferMarie]

It was hard to write. You have to have a repeating line and rhyme too. ...