Beautiful Now

A Story by Keola

An unorthodox love story of two similar dark worlds coming together.

“Beautiful Now”

“Everything we judge in others is something within ourselves we don't want to face.”

There are always two sides to a story. What is seen and what is not. What people choose not to say, what not to express, defines them more than what they appear. The silent words that speak only to their sacred ears, produce a story that engulfs the imagination. The brain receives an altered script and directs accordingly. Parts are pulled and twisted in directions more than one, creating a show that is bigger than all. In the final scenes, the soul takes the lead and everything else follows. Then the curtains close, the lights go out, and the stage is empty. The stage is completely empty.

My name is Kyle Pierce and I tend to listen and observe more than I talk. I don’t come off as the popular kid. Weighing a mere 170 pounds on a six foot pale white frame doesn’t really attract a lot of attention. A normal kid that you would see in the background of a busy scene. To me, observing was my sport. I found out that it is easier to appreciate what’s around you if you listen and watch rather than talk. Life provides beauty through all noises and events that are present every day. Beauty to me is sitting at a park under the comfortable shade from a supporting tree. Birds of all color and size chirp eloquent frequencies to each other while flying in and out of their so called home. The sound of people laughing and playing in the open grass field expressing features of excitement and joy from being in the presence of the people they love. The light traffic of passing cars in the distance is mysteriously soothing. A dog and their owner also share the grass field for it is sizable for many. The ball is thrown and the dog is focused on one mission and one mission only. In a dead sprint, it seizes that ball and turns around to return it to its owner. The furry companion barks and jumps on their owner with the ball at their feet. Everyone in their own world living through their own perspective. All sounds and aspects playing along to the song of life.

That’s what a good day looks and feels like. An optimistic view enhanced by the beauty of life. That’s what I hope to think every day when I open my eyes in the morning, but sometimes it doesn't always work out that way. Not for some. A more realistic view is a lot different from that. Don't get me wrong, I have those days where beauty is all I see, but most days it’s not what others see. Here is the reality of who, or rather what, I am. The Kyle Pierce they saw. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but so is judgment.

I was the quiet kid that never spoke unless spoken to. Permanent black bags were painted under my eyes due to the never ending restless nights. In class, I never participated and throughout the year most people would forget that I was even there. At lunch I sat alone. I made it an effort to sit alone. I was better off that way. It was a sense of comfort knowing I wasn't near anyone. A real loner.

Words like that would rattle in my skull producing screaming echoes throughout my mind. The smallest things would crawl under my skin such as people bumping into me in the hallways and saying, “Oh sorry! I didn't see you there.” People would whisper to their friends when walking by such as, “Why doesn’t he ever talk?” or “He’s so nervous and always looks tired!” and “What the hell is wrong with him?” At the suspense of their uneducated mind, I learned to just ignore it. I started counting them actually. You’d be surprised how original the comments were. I kept to myself no matter the feat of the task. An amazing mind that no one else would have the pleasure to explore. I had few friends but was never close enough for any of them to know the civil war that was taken place in my mind. Even if they did know that’s all it would be, knowing, not understanding. See, I didn’t choose to be a loner. I begged to be “normal”. Social anxiety and its close companion depression imprisoned me, implanting bitter words and thoughts to the advantage of their control. Many people don't understand. There is a separate light for us that runs in a different direction than the light that others see.

There is nothing romantic about this feeling. I find myself locked up in my four walled prison of a room. Voices of negativity from every corner sing their own sweet lullabies and within minutes I'm captured in the rhythm of failure and lack of confidence. Blackness consumes the mind and soul like the darkest hour of night. I’m then paralyzed by fear from the manipulation of a thousand thoughts gone wrong. No one or thing can surface the person I fake to be. There is no control. The only option is to hold tight and pray I still have my sanity after I endure the roller coaster from hell.

I can’t say it’s like that all the time. That wouldn't be fair to shadow the good times. I’m not constantly anxious or depressed, I just have to work harder than some to be happy. Sometimes being alone can be a rather peaceful experience. Shielded by judgment, the imagination trickles in my room from all angles. More and more ideas comes flooding in. Soon enough I’m neck deep. It raises past my lips and moments later I’m engulfed by an altered reality. Often times it’s the visualization of the warm sand to my feet and the refreshing sound of waves gently crashing. The sun sets just perfectly on my skin and I'm hugged by the warmth of the rays. The beach is to my self as no one is in sight. This defensive mechanism, this visualization of escape, served somewhat useful until I found a better solution. This often led me to an area I became comfortable with. It wasn't much but it served as a secondary home.

Every morning I sat on my freshly made bed and gazed out my bedroom window admiring a colossal mountain that stood only about a hundred yards to the right of my house. I lived in a private neighborhood on the outskirts of town. Several gates served as protective barriers before entering our housing community. Smooth roads that felt like heaven when driving on, ran its course throughout the area. Each house was customed made expressing the personality of each owner. Our house was different from the rest which was exactly how I felt inside.

One fall morning I wondered off and faced the mountain head on while standing at the bottom of the path. Anxiety and adrenaline fused as one while rushing through my veins from facing the unknown. Rocks outlined the long snakelike path making it easy to follow. You could tell that it was made for vehicles awhile back but has been deserted for some time. A challenging path to climb, but to me it was well worth it. The top surfaced enough room to support an abandoned structure of a building with a three room layout. When first walking into the cracked cement structure, there was an empty room to the left and to the right. A hallway in the middle separated the two rooms and led to a single room in the back that ran the width of the house. The back wall of the structure was destroyed over time and now only stands a foot or so high off the ground.

The view of a crystal clear lake laid at the base of the mountain surrounded by tall forest like trees under a baby blue sky was the result. A painted picture of escape. The structure had been untouched for some time now for it’s too much effort for the average person to reach. The roof over the back room collapsed before I had discovered it, but a little overhang remained providing shade when the sun was right above. I had to remove the concrete in order to establish a personal room in which I added a mattress that laid on the ground with some pillows and blankets.

Almost every day I would hike up the mountain and find my way into that back room. Pages were continuously being written and incredible thoughts were produced upon that mountain top. One quick look at the lake and the trees surrounding it made everything disappear for a second. I would get lost in the sight and sweet peace would numb my mind. It was my escape of reality. Up there, I was a human being. Without it I would be another statistic.

It was another day and another hike, but it wasn’t. About three quarters of the way up I saw a blurred imagine in the distance that was similar to another person. It was just standing there overlooking the view. The closer I got the clearer the picture became. It was a girl around my age, eighteen or so, that had her hands covering her face. She was shaking. A pale white brunette girl with a fragile frame that seemed to endure too much for one to handle. I made it to the top and stood twenty or so feet behind her. She was shaking the more she cried. One could only imagine the thoughts that were going through her mind. She reached the farthest point of the mountain, inches away from an unfortunate or fortunate break depending on who was interpreting it. I crept closer only to hear her sobbing become distinctively clear. She opened her arms as far as they could go. The visible scars sent a chill down my spine and an emotional train hit me. What worried me most, however, were the invisible scars. The scars only she could feel. The emptiness that she convinced herself to believe in. All of the nights she cried herself to sleep. The aftermath of many battles.

I quickly advanced next to her making a conscious effort not to startle her. In fact, I was right next to her but she was so wrapped up in her escape that she wasn't aware. She faintly spoke the words that will forever be imprinted in the back of my chaotic mind. “I’ll be beautiful now.” Moments after those words fell off her tongue, she took her final step.

Without thinking, I wrapped my arm around her fragile body and pulled her to the ground making sure she landed on top. A thick layer of emotional tension filled the air as two strangers were looking eye to eye for the first time. Her breathtaking hazel eyes gleamed in the light from the many tears that were shed. Two worlds from the same darkness were about to collide.

Emotions ran like wildfire in her eyes telling multiple stories. “Why?” she asked. I couldn't think of anything to say so I nodded for her to follow. Quietly she complied. I took her to the bed and told her to lay down for she needed rest. What just happened drained her energy and she accepted his offer. She slept for some time and finally woke up. I was writing the last few words in my book when she opened her eyes. I ripped the page out and put it in the back pocket of my jeans. Her head stayed flushed against the pillow and her eyes tracked down mine with emptiness. We had a moment together. A small simple one, but it was a moment none the less. An attempt to vaguely figure each other out. She was hesitant to talk at first and I wanted to give her the chance to do it on her own.

She took a deep a breath and paused for a second before talking. “You see it, don’t you.” I could hear the lostness in her tone, yet begging of understanding in her voice. Our eyes met again, “Yes. You're not alone.” Her eyes began to water again as curiosity grabbed her close. “How do you know?” I stood up and walked to the very end of the room where the back wall would have existed and fixed my eyes on the blueness of the sky. “Light shines in areas meant to be seen. You and I see the same light. A light that others do not see.” Tears started rolling down her eyes as an emotional nerve was struck. “Why did you do it?” she asked with a hint of anger. “Well, your eyes say a lot and by looking in to them, it says you still have a story to tell.” I could tell by the shakiness of her voice that she was scared so I broke my gaze and sat next to her.

It’s important for her to know that she is not alone on levels more than one. She was a piece of art consumed by the tragedy of this world. Small talk was made and we both agreed to watch the sunset together. A rose red layer extruded from the sun that smoothly faded into a mixture of pink and light purple. The array of colors reflecting over the still water and the silhouette of the distant mountain made it all more inspiring. She broke the silence while lost in the sunset, “How is it that this world works? What is it that I did wrong?” She gently rested her head on my shoulder and I put my arm around her. It was the only gesture I could to do to make her feel welcomed. I felt a few tears hit the sleeve of my shirt and we watched the sun fade behind the mountains. “I hope to see you again tomorrow?” She looked down and softly nodded. “Promise?”. “I promise”. The path was dark and tricky so I held her hand only in efforts of her safety. With a soft touch and beauty in her eyes, I was so in awe how this could happen to a girl like her.

The next morning when I arrived, she was already laying down with her eyes closed, drifting away in the warmth from the sunny day. Blue jeans, a white shirt, and a black beanie never looked better on such a soul. I brought enough food and water for the both of us to last the day. Two people that were misunderstood by society were perfectly understood by each other.

“Madelyn” she said in a soft voice. I turned my head to look at her and my eyes caught hers while she was sitting up with her head slightly tilted. I nodded and held a small smile then said, “Kyle”. “Why are you smiling?”, she asked. “A pretty girl with a pretty name. That’s all.” Still emotionally numb, she broke contact and was lost in her thoughts again. Madelyn opened up more and we talked the day away. “Do you believe in fait, Kyle?” I was stunned by the depth of her question. “I found you, didn't I?” That was exactly what she needed to hear. She shot me a small smile. Goosebumps ran throughout my body. It was the smallest sign of hope, yet it was so powerful. She was a piece of art and with that smile she was priceless.

Just after lunch we sparked up a full conversation that had progress to it. Waves of emotions were attached to her thoughts touching all souls that laid ears upon them. I could watch her talk for days. All the hidden words that desperately needed to be heard were pouring out like the world’s strongest waterfall. There were thoughts that took tears to surface but in the end made her able to breathe that much more. It was a constant battle between hearing her words and getting lost in her beauty. Not only physical but her emotional beauty as well. The way passion pours into every word constructing a picture only to be seen by those she lets in. By those that tear down her walls. I made it an effort to get in and once I did never wanted to leave. I sat on the bed and started to write. Madelyn crawled next to me and put her head on my lap and dozed off. The dark rings under her eyes indicated that sleep was much needed. She had finally felt a glimpse of peace and I was lucky enough to supply her that.

It was almost about time for another sunset when she woke up. She sat up next to me and put her head on my shoulder just like last time. I enjoyed that feeling. It was the closest feeling to normal. After another artistic performance by nature, the mountains swallowed up the sun and the stars overtook the sky. It was like two different plays and the sky was the stage. The night time brought a different side of beauty. The reflection of the moon on the peaceful lake and the competition of stars attempting to outshine one another over the tall forest trees, made it irresistible to get lost in. “It’s just as beautiful, from day to night.” She then paused for a moment. “Just like people. Everyone has two sides.” Her voice started to shake from the words that described her life. “They are equally beautiful but the light only shines on one leaving the other lost in its shadow turning it dark.” With a smile I said, “I like that.” I knew she couldn't see my smile but she could feel it. She had a broken smile that seemed perfectly happy to the normal person. A broken smile perfected by the masking of a thousand self convinced failures. Madelyn’s perspective was intriguing to say the least. She had a brilliant mind with damaged heart.

It was getting late and we both knew it was time to go. I started to push myself up from the bed when I felt her hand on my arm. “Wi-will you stay the night with me?” The tenderness in her voice made the decision for me. “Of course. I’ll stay right here.” I laid back down and she put her head on my chest. The sound of my heartbeat and the comfort of my arm around her made her feel safe for the first time in a long time. Her smile never left my mind. We talked a while longer until I sensed that she was getting tired. In a whisper she said, “Tell me anything you want and don't stop. The sound of your voice gives me peace.” I talked about anything and everything there is to know about me. Holding her in my arms made my heart race and in return my speech became rapid. She let out a small laugh only making me blush more. Another small moment was made. Small to the world but monumental for us. Her steady breathing indicated her mind was at rest. For one night she had connected with someone. Someone that understood her for who she was.

The first of light stretched across the sky and we woke up in each others arms. Madelyn quickly fell back asleep but my eyes remained open. She had a special look when she was tired that I’ll never forget. I slowly retracted my arm from around her and got out of bed making sure not to wake her. The way the sun casted its light on her body made a spiritual glow that made me stare in awe. How could this happen to a girl like her? A thought that I still couldn’t wrap my mind around. I wrote a couple more pages in my book before her mind surfaced back into reality again.

Pale face. Shaking body. Heart racing. Darting eyes. Anxiety attack. I ran over to her side and quickly put my arms around her. Her heart was beating at a pace I never knew was possible. Her eyes were darting back and forth from the hurricane of terrifying thoughts sweeping through her mind. Panic hijacked her brain and her body showed the result. “Madelyn, look at me. You're safe with me. You're okay. Nothing can hurt you.” Her eyes were lost beyond recognition. She shut her eyes and put her hands on the sides of her head in a desperate attempt to make it stop. When it got too much she tried to grab something to stop the pain so I held her tighter, trying to make her understand that everything was going to be alright. Negative thoughts penetrating her innocence one after another. She lost grip of reality and gave into the bittersweet dark words that live in the depths of hatred. The longer it went on the tighter she squeezed her hands around her head. A temporarily lost soul was in my arms and I could do nothing to stop it. After thirty minutes or so she finally came back and her eyes found mine. Her mind and body gave out and tears streamed down her face. All I could do was hold her as close as I could.

She didn’t speak much after that episode nor did I expect her to. Madelyn had her arms around her knees and her eyes fixed on the ground, but her mind was far from here. An hour or two went by and then I said, “Madelyn. Will you follow me?” Without moving her eyes, in a dull tone she said, “Where to?” “A place you'll like, just beyond the lake. Do you trust me Madelyn?” She turned her head and let out a small smile. I walked over and held out my hand to help her up. She put on a beanie to hide her bed hair which I greatly adored. “What is this about?” I smiled and said, “You”.

We did one last look over the lake and trees before making our way down the back of the mountain. The back part was a straight cliff except for a steep path on the far right of the mountain that led to the base of the lake. We held hands like before only safety was the secondary reason. “I hope you know what you are doing Kyle.” “Don’t worry, this is called trust. Hopefully you will start applying that to me sooner rather than later.” Finally after dodging rocks, holes, and other dangers we made it to the bottom. The lake was at our feet and a different scene began to develop. There was an overwhelming feeling when adding the different height perspective to the surrounding environment.

Were were engulfed by the shadow of the mountain we were on minutes ago and now looked down upon from the trees that seemed to have ran a mile tall. Small rocks covered the shore of the lake including all shapes and sizes. I found a couple of flat rocks and gave one to Madelyn. “Oh no, I can’t. That’s not my thing.” “It’s because you never tried. Just give it a chance. You never know.” She hesitantly took the rock and stared at it. You could tell that judgement has shielded her from trying anything she was not comfortable with. After I threw a few rocks myself, I saw a shiny rock glide gently across the slightly disturbed lake, that wasn't mine. I quickly turned around with a surprised look mixed with a smile. Her eyes were wide and her hands covered her face that had a huge smile. “That was amazing, Madelyn! See you're a natural.” “Thank you! I learned from the best.” she said with a smirk painted on her face. She was so beautiful when she smiled. My goal was to make her do it more often.

Just off the the right was a dirt path that led into the forest. When approaching the trees, they have a funny way of making you feel so small. Upon entering, I spotted the lightly traveled path that was identified by a series of softly imprinted foot steps on the forest ground. During the day, walking through the trees is a spectacular sight. The branches and leaves from a mile high scatter the sunlight in magnificent patterns that brings the scenery to life even more. Several trails branch off from the one we were on making it easy to get lost. During the path, about half way there, laid a fallen tree that served as a bench. We took up the opportunity and decided to rest for a little while. I could tell Madelyn was lost in her own world again. “What’s on your mind Madelyn?” “I never took the time to truly appreciate how beautiful nature really is.” Without hesitation I responded, “It’s just not in nature but everywhere around us. It takes a different perspective which in return produces a much higher appreciation. You see, It’s quite, well beautiful.” We both chuckled and then a strong silence took over. A pure feeling coated our minds from being alone in nature’s home. Vibrant colors rich in life surrounded us, embracing our very own existence. After some time we both looked at each other and knew it was time to start moving again.

A mile or so later we made our way to the final steps. The closer we were to the tree line, the thinner the trees became. Step by step the trees started to clear. The sunlight from above became increasing bright and the warmth radiated off our skin. We were just about there. “Close your eyes and hold my hand.” She put one hand over her eyes and the other in my hand. About ten feet or so and we were at our destination. “Okay you can open them now.”

I was standing in front of her with a note and a single sunflower on top of it. In front of us was a huge field of sunflowers of a football field or so and off to the left was a small patch of grass. Surrounding us were tall forest like trees making a perimeter of a rectangle. Lastly, above us were endless blue skies. Our own little paradise. Our own sacred place.

Emotions from every angle flooded her body and tears instantly began falling. She took the note and sunflower with a smile from ear to ear. We held each other and neither one of us wanted to let go. It was if time stood perfectly still. Her body was shaking uncontrollably but in different circumstances than before. She tried to speak but her emotions were too strong. Her eyes were filled with life as she gazed upon the sunflower field. Madelyn ran into the field dancing and swirling like a kid at heart. Everything she compressed down for years has finally surfaced in this moment. I could watch her forever, laughing and smiling while spinning with her hands in the air as if she's free from all her burdens. Madelyn’s rich brown hair sat perfectly straight on her back while the sparkle in those hazel eyes attracted anyone from miles away. Her smile shined brighter than all the stars on the darkest nights and the smoothness of her skin looked like the purest of canvases. A supernatural glow that was irresistible to look away from. In this one moment she stood victorious from the years of darkness she endured. This one moment showed who she really was. I sat down on the grass patch and watched her as she danced. As she was walking towards me she said, “This is absolutely amazing, I can’t stop smiling!” Her smile was contagious and I was smiling just as hard as her. “I thought you would like it.” With an anticipating voice she said, “Can I read the note now?” “Whenever you want madelyn.” Her hands were shaking as she started to open the envelope. She opened a folded paper that said, “You’re more than beautiful now”. She looked up at me and jumped into my arms. Her head was buried in my chest as she muffled the words, “Never let go.”

It’s been eight years since that day happened and a lot has changed. I live in my own house and have a steady career. She taught me a lot, Madelyn. I will forever be changed because of her. Like I said, some time has passed and I even love another girl now. She takes up a lot of attention but I'm more than willing to give it to her. She has brown hair and hazel eyes just like Madelyn did. It’s funny how this world works. I love another girl now, and she calls Madelyn “mommy”. Promises are promises and I’ll never let go.