Perhaps this is a blog

A free write I was doing when my thoughts were too jumbled to sleep

 

Have you ever had to fight really hard against something? Something tempting? Something that wasn't perhaps healthy, but then you just had so much pressure on you to do it...to do something...anything. That pressure, it was coming from all sides...and you just couldn't take it, you just gave in. Well try having that pressure in your head...all the time. And you're fighting it...all the time. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's over little stuff, like do you really absolutely need to get out of bed this morning? Do you really need to go to sleep tonight. But sometimes it's over bigger things. Things you really should have control over. Like your emotions. I know most people, or at least I suppose, since I'm not exactly one to base your comparison off of, don't think on a daily basis of just how in control of their emotions they are. It probably comes pretty natural? Have you ever wondered, though I doubt you have, about what it would be like when you didn't have control over something so simple as your emotions? They are such an ingrained part in so many people, that most perhaps don't pay attention to them. Again, I am just guessing, since I don't have control over them. I'm trying, I'm learning, but it gets hard. It gets hard a lot. Especially late at night like this. I get tired, just as everyone else does. And when I get tired, I get tired of fighting it. Tired of fighting that internal pressure of wanting to just let myself feel what my brain wants to feel, and not try and act normal. Most times I want to lash out, but sometimes I want to lash in, if that makes any sense. And I am by no means perfect, sometimes I do. But in today's society, it seems completely about self sufficiency. If you can't rely on yourself, who can you rely on? And that's why I'm trying to battle my demons without the help of medications. I was on them for a while, and they helped, did wonders. But it seemed like my family and my friends wanted me off them...like they weren't sure I should be on them...were they robbing me of feelings? I was just fine with what I was feeling on my pills...But I'm one to take the wants of people who are important to me and try and make them possible. So I went off them. It has been a few months now. And I find myself up sometimes at night like this, and wondering if it's this hard for everyone? My mother says it's me learning to cope with not lashing out, not speaking up when something bothers me, little things I mean, like the sound of forks on plates, or people chewing. Small stupid things that shouldn't bother me but do. She says it's helping me learn to be normal, that not everyone just speaks up when something like that bothers them. And I suppose she might have a point. But I don't know, I feel like it bothers me more. Those little things just...if I get too many of them around...I start to lose it. Lose that little branch of control as it snaps. Usually it sends me into harsh pent up tension until I can get away from it, hence my tension headaches coming back. [Used to have them back in high school before the meds, now third year in college]. It has my mother asking if perhaps we made the wrong decision. If I don't get tense, if I start to get into a stressful situation I usually cry, or I go into a state of my answer to everything is “I don't know”. And I get into a litany of repeating “I don't know, I don't know...I don't know, I don't know Idon'tknow!”. It's just how I deal with myself until I get calmed down and I can think again. Usually talking to someone like my mom or my boyfriend helps get out of this. My parents think I'm addicted to the Internet. But I don't know if I believe that. My thing is...anywhere I can find something that helps me escape from who I am occasionally, and play someone else, I'm going to be pretty involved in such. I used to do the same with books, and no one ever accused me of being addicted to reading. Just...I do this in a healthier manner than say drug addicts, or alcoholics. Though I've tread the thin line there with that last one. But that's another story for another time. My emotions get the best of me most days, and I am still in the process of trying to learn what to do about them. Like right now, I have a friend who's father is dying, and I wanted to stay up with him to help him get through it because he just found out tonight. Then I found he was somewhere online and chatting with others, and now I want to lash out at him for not letting me be the only one to comfort him, because we are more than just friends really. And I know it's ridiculous, and it would be horrid of me to do so, and irrational, but I've never lived in much of a rational world. It's at night when I usually let myself go, find someone to unload on, usually a complete stranger, and then go to sleep. Maybe this is healthier. To anyone who reads this, I would always love to hear back from you. Fair warning, I'm an emotional nutjob.

Author's Note

Yes this is my real life problems, and I'm not sure if anyone will find it interesting, but figured I had friends here once that understood me, maybe I'll find more.

Reviews

[Pepsimax]

I found it intresting, you wrote it with total emotion and skill. The writing techniques you used were fabulous and the vocabulary was excellent. :D