Chapter 2

Leelass stops at a water well in the village street. Lylass collapses with the cart behind him. He drags himself over to the well.

Leelass fetches himself a cold drink and wets his face.

LEELASS

Lylass. Welcome to the village of immoral.

Lylass pulls his head out of the well. He is completely drenched. Lylass gets to his feet.

LYLASS

Isn't this the town where?

LEELASS

We sell our goods to our little goblin friend Gim. You bet it is.

Suddenly LIITLE RED RIDING HOOD young, beautiful and dressed like a warrior princess comes storming out of the tavern.

She walks straight up to Leelass and punches him in the face. He's head is almost knocked off via the impact.

Lylass smirks as if trying to control his satisfaction.

little red

Leelass Lace.

LEELASS

Safira. It's wonderful to see you to.

LITTLE RED

Really. How nice of you to say that after leaving me stranded in the woods surrounded by wolves.

LEELASS

Well you got out alive. I couldn't have done that bad by you.

Little Red knees him in the groin. This time he drops to his knees. Lylass shoots into laughter.

LEELASS

Okay I get it.

LITTLE RED

Good now get this. You and your longed haired lover here best leave my town before I do worse to both of you.

LYLASS

I'm his brother actually and might I add you are looking splendid.

LITTLE RED

Would you like to taste your balls too lover boy?

LYLASS

I'm gonna say no.

LITTLE RED

Good answer now get out of my town.

Little Red spits on Leelass and walks off. He gets back to his feet slowly.

LEELASS

Yeah walk away!

The TOWNSFOLK all snarl and stare at Leelass and Lylass before going about their business.

LEELASS

Let that be a firm lesson to all who dare oppose me. She loves me and will defend me.

LYLASS

I don't even think tough love would cover that.

LEELASS

Nobody asked you mr I want to marry a princess. You just let that one walk away.

LYLASS

That wasn't a princess. That was a pissed off demon of a woman.

Lylass walks inside the tavern and is followed by Leelass who is still clutching his groin.

GIM a three foot tall goblin man sits across from Leelass and Lylass.

LEELASS

What do you mean the goods from the cart are only worth half their value.

gim

I calls it like I sees it and they look dented and worn.

LYLASS

Well of course they look worn. I had to drag them all the way here and it was bumpy track.

GIM

My offer stands. Take it or leave it.

Leelass sculls his ale and slams the mug down.

LEELASS

Your a cheapskate little goblin b*****d.

GIM

I pride myself on it.

LEELASS

We accept your offer.

LYLASS

If you'd dare consider it that.

GIM

In that case. Sign here.

Gim pulls out a piece of paper. Leelass and Lylass gaze at it.

LEELASS

Paperwork now?

GIM

There are a lot more guys like yourself out there. Can't be to careful these days.

LYLASS

Your pushing my sword happy button goblin.

GIM

No signature. No deal.

LEELASS

Fine!

They both sign the paper. Gim eats it and washes it down with ale. He burps and they sit staring at him.

GIM

A pleasure once again boys. Until next time.

Gim exits the bar under the sharp eyes of Leelass and Lylass as he leaves.

LYLASS

Where was your girlfriend when he was here?

LEELASS

Safria is not my girlfriend (a beat) She's my ex.

The doors fly open and in walks JOCK a young male dressed in tight clothing and armor. A MAN holding a trumpet stands at his side.

jock

Ladies and Idgits of all ages please rise for Princess Viagra.

The trumpet player whispers in Jock's ear. Jock clears his throat.

JOCK

Princess Vianna.

The trumpet sounds and in walks PRINCESS VIANNA a dazzling looking young beauty. Leelass spits his mouthful of ale into Lylass's face.

Lylass gives him an evil glare. Leelass takes no notice of him.

Vianna approaches the bar. The BARTENDER a fat male in his forties smiles at her.

bartender

What brings my lady to a place like this?

vianna

I am the Princess. I can chose to take my wine where I please.

She leans closer to the Bartender and whispers to him.

VIANNA

(Whispers)

Besides my mother would hate it and that makes me happy.

She rests her arm on the bar. Leelass and Lylass look at her.

Leelass is panting like a dog.

LYLASS

Instead of sitting here like the King's mutt why don't you go talk to her.

Leelass shoots a look at Lylass as if to say OKAY SMART A*S. He finishes his ale and fixes his shirt and hood.

LEELASS

How do I look?

LYLASS

Like a sewer.

LEELASS

Perfect!

Leelass heads over to the Princess. Lylass shakes his head.

Vianna is drinking her ale and Leelass pulls up beside her. He admires her for a few seconds then as he leans on the bar he falls.

Quickly getting back up he leans successfully this time.

LEELASS

That's a really nice....

VIANNA

(Interupting)

NO!

Leelass smiles at her and walks away. Lylass is chuckling as Leelass reunites with him.

LYLASS

So how did it go?

LEELASS

She's totally into me.

LYLASS

Like a kick in the groin right?

Lylass bursts into laughter then he is hit in the face with an ale mug and falls backwards off of the seat.

Vianna is dropped outside a castle by her carriage. Two GUARDS greet her and walk her through the big iron gate. A sign reads welcome to Feble township of the CRAPPEIR KINGDOM.