Leap

I could have done better than this,
I know, but I couldn’t resist.
Your love was what did tempt,
dreams of you my mind often dreamt.
Now I know you’re all I lost.
My heart, my love, will pay the cost.
Through the woods my feet do run
into the newly golden, fading sun.
To the edge, the edge of doom,
my lungs don’t have too much room.
I bound and take a running leap,
sailing into the ocean deep;
sinking down below the waves,
water pushing, brutally raves,
but I welcome the pain,
and I welcome the rain,
because drowning here
is one thing I’ll never fear.

Reviews

[Chris]

Good tone and the rhyme didn't feel forced. The rhythm and flow was solid and on until the last two lines. A fix - Either add beats to the line above or subtract some from the final line.

Take care,
Chris

[Crazy Cat Man]

i love the idea of just running off a cliff. must be a great feeling of relief of feeling the breeze of the wind then crash into the ocean. a brutal sad poem

[Ian H Morrison]

love it superb flows so well

[pumpkin head]

I really like the deepness of this write, quite intriguing

[Ziara]

I really like this one, I relate to it so well, i guess that might be why, Beautiful way of putting it together.

[Mr. Lou]

Well written and fantastic flow. but the stanza, "newly golden sun, fading sun"
new golden sun gives the picture of a rising sun since you used the word new, and fading sun is more dim, so that contradicts the lines but that aside you did well.

[Empirik]

I love the structure of this, it is fun. What I love even more is that it has a core. The emotional human factor like folklore. Telling a story with an clear point. Nice write!