I: Alleyways

Some are just stuck in their ways.

I: Alleyways

                “You’re late!”

                “You’re early.”

                The merchant shook his fist at the black-garbed man standing at the mouth of the alleyway, the bangles on his wrist clinking against one another as they slid down his arm. “What were you doing all this time? I told you I would be waiting here!”

                “Peace, Elka. It’s the middle of the night.”

                “Do you want my business or not!”

                “Who else would you go to, you close-pursed scrounger -”

                “I’d offer generous compensation to anyone else.” Elka moved so that his companion could join him; they stood facing each other with their backs to opposite walls. “But you owe me.”

                “It’s been years. Let it go.”

                “You could make it up to me by helping me run my business.”

    “Be your errand boy?”

    “It’s much more lucrative than your current job description.”

                “I guessed as much. Is that silk you’re wearing? All the way from Merv, is it?”

                “Long way from home,” Elka agreed. He glanced down at the alleyway mouth and then focused on his companion once more. “It’s Yeo. He’s had Beriet and Sampson killed, and now he’s going after their families. I’ve confronted him, but it’s plain that he won’t stop unless he feels…” Here he paused, and then: “…sufficiently compelled.”

                “I’m not a negotiator, Elka.”

                “I know, but -“

                “Death threats aren’t what I do. I’d be out of a job if I were in the habit of giving warnings beforehand.”

                Elka said nothing.

                “I’ll be in town for the next few days. If you haven’t found a solution to your problem by then, I’ll gladly take care of it for you, on the house.”

                “Luca, I’m not asking - "

                “You don’t have to. I’d like to think that I treat you better than that."

                “Luca!”

                Luca eased himself away from against the wall. “You’re wasting your time, Elka. I’ll always come when you call for me, but I never fall for your tricks, however well-intentioned they are.”

                Someone threw open a window two floors above, and something shattered on the ground further into the alley. Elka flinched; Luca ignored it.

                “Everyone has enemies they don’t want to keep. Even in a charming little town like this one.” He smiled when Elka closed his eyes. “Stop trying. You’ll only disappoint yourself.”

                “How could you ever disappoint me, Luca. Come, Bragi says a new shipment of that foul Tabula Rasa came in just this morning. Unless you’re busy?”

                “When am I ever too busy for your company, Elka?”

                “When are you ever too busy for Tasa, you mean. I have something more comfortable you can change into. You might frighten someone wearing that.”

                “This? I wore this to hide what’s underneath.”

                “Precisely. But if you insist, who am I to say anything about it?” Elka abruptly slung an arm around Luca’s shoulders, swung him about, and then frog marched him out of the darkness without a backward glance.

Reviews

[Mary Evans]

Again I’d suggest to not start with a dialogue line or at least add some tags for more clarity. I feel many of the other dialogue lines need tags too, they are too naked as they are.
“The merchant shook his fist at the black-garbed man standing at the mouth of the alleyway, the bangles on his wrist clinking against one another as they slid down his arm.” Either make it two sentences or fix the second part somehow, it’s too disconnected from the first and I had to reread it twice to get how it was related.
“away from against the wall” maybe “against” is not that necessary?

Overall pretty nice. I feel it’s just an outline though, it feels a bit empty of descriptions. A nice beginning nevertheless, I can already get a feeling of the story and it seems pretty cool. Keep up the good work.

[R.G. Bennet]

Hmmmm, very intriguing! I like the dark, shady feel of the character Luca. Sounds like someone you wouldn't want to mess with. I like the way he disconcerts Elka, haha.

Nicely done!

[w2de35657u687y4324rf]

The most interesting thing here is the immediate immersion cast by the author's world. There's no allusion to the present reality of each individual reading; it's all about the story and that's absolutely beautiful. The use of dialogue render's this story readily applicable to a performance. As an actor, I am most eager to see this develop. The dichiotomy between characters is carved by the subtle nuances of their response to the world around them. We already have a developed sense of what may be undertaken in the physically, mentally possible world, and that is what dictates a glorious setup. Bravo

[Hiddenfire]

Excited and dying for more! the character development is spot on and the way you use the surroundings to etch out their personalities is perfect, really an all around enjoyable read.

[Joe Gardner]

this sounds great, i agree with misty you have a great way for allowing conversation to flow. carry on!

[Popble]

This covered a lot in a small space. You clearly defined the characters, and more or less the setting. This is very well done, and a great start. I do hope you intend on continuing this!

[Kristina Moulaison]

This is a a really great start! The conversation here is very well done, natural and clever. You are good at this! Keep writing!