A New Beginning

It was new for me, new for her. She even told me before that it may be difficult. High school relationships shouldn’t be difficult. And I had expected only what I knew.

I had studied her as I do many people, every second I could. I tried to let her know, slowly and secretly, despite my lack of conversational experience. I chickened out, getting someone else to tell her. It mostly worked and I asked her over email to go to out with me. I held her hand. I went to a party with her. I cuddled with her. I spent every moment I could around her and I loved it. I held her hand at school. I kissed her. I loved her.

Then a week went by. And another. And two more weeks after that. “What are you doing this weekend?” “I’m sorry. I’m busy.” I memorized her schedule, every after-school activity, every day-long weekend event. I have to be fair, I became busy in the middle of December, but things were obviously decided for her by then.

Over text, she sent me a goodbye. I cried for hours that night. My stability, the good in my life was gone. I took her excuses and felt sorry for myself. How could she do this? Why couldn’t she at least try? Did she even care anymore?

I got advice and decided to myself that if it takes work to be with her, then it isn’t worth it. And if she decides to end her “break,” I can be strong enough to tell her that. Even if everything I see reminds me of her and I miss her every day, I have to be strong.

I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I sparked an hour long conversation of nine text messages with, “What does this break mean to you?” She said something didn’t feel right. She said it was her, not us. She said it was all in her head. I wanted the truth, so I asked further. She said she had feelings for someone else.

I was no longer sad, only frustrated that she kept me hanging on the edge of a relationship with her for so long.

I was numb. I knew I had to build myself up again from being kicked lightly to the side. I had to ignore my questions and begin to peel her away from my life. I am done.