Some Nights

Some nights
When sleep just won’t take over
Because my mind is heavy with thoughts of you
My heart falls
Into this empty pit
Wondering over
And over
How I could have fallen so hard
For you.
For someone
Who couldn’t care less
About me
Treated me
Like nothing
And I allowed it
Like I was nothing.
My mind replays
Every moment of every day and every text message and every look across the room and I wonder to myself-
Was any
Of it
Real?
Or was it just in my head?
I allowed myself to be nothing.
And it makes me sick to this day
So sad and depressed-paralyzed with the knowledge that I could stoop so low
To allow it to happen to myself
I lost myself for so long
And looking back
I have come so far
And yet have still so far to go.
And so on these nights
When the pain wants to take over once more
I have to cry
To let you out of my system
Again and again
So overwhelmed by own feelings for you
That it makes me want to shut my heart forever
My heart aches for the person I was
And the parts of me that still need to release you
Like toxin needs leeching from the body
I need to release you from every crevice in me you managed to stick to
Much worse than glue
How I wish strong memories could be deleted
Or forgotten.
I remember how badly
I wanted only you
How foolish
And simpleminded I was
Willing to accept not even the
Bare minimum
Just settle
For empty promises
And hours left on read
Being strung along
For mediocrity at its finest
Red flags and warning signs
All lit up on my dash
Only for me to crash
With all this brokenness and all this pain
All this healing feels like it’s down the drain
But it’s not
The end to my story.
-June 24th, 2020 @ 10:05 pm