A Letter To My Future Self

Hey you, it's me. 

 I know you already know how I'm doing, I'm sorry we're going through the dark place again. How are you? Did you find the motivation to shower today? I've been avoiding my laundry for weeks, I just can't make myself do it. But I made a meal today. I mean a real meal, and I ate all of it. No one would get why that's noteworthy but I know you'll be proud of me for that. It just sucks lately, I don't see an end to this wretched routine but I know the cycle has to break eventually. It has before. I just hope we manage to stay free of it once it does. I hope that one day it's all worth it. If there is one thing that I could wish for in this lifetime, it would be that one day, we are at peace. You can wake up in the morning and not feel exhausted before you even leave the comfort of your warm bed. I hope that you can go through the day with faking a smile, or forcing a laugh. I hope you don't have to bite your tongue when someone says something that upsets you because the thought of confronting them makes your fingertips tingle and your chest tightens. When you hear people yelling and arguing, your knees won't go weak and when you're the one in the middle of an argument, your breath won't get caught in your throat. Sad songs won't trigger an emotion that takes control of your entire body, and you'll be able to look in the mirror without disgust and shame. It's not going to be easy, it may even be the hardest thing you've ever done or will ever do, but I truly hope that it will happen, and it will be worth the long nights and lazy days. You'll be able to look back on these dark years and it will be nothing more than a memory - an experience that gave you the strength to fight for a chance of days filled with energy and happiness. I hope you view these days a lesson, to never take anything for granted and to love deeply, fiercely, and without apology. Your heart is your biggest strength, but you need to realize that it can also be your greatest weakness. I really hope you learn to stop letting people take advantage of your unconditional kindness and you learn to stand up for yourself. We are the first to step in when defending our loved ones, but it's time that we start defending our own heart too, we deserve that. I hope you let yourself be happy without guilt, and I hope you smile - God I hope you smile. I want you to fall in love with your smile, and I want you to do it so much your cheeks hurt. We used to smile every day, people could point us out as the smiley one. When did we lose that? I hope you find it again and I hope you find yourself, like I'm trying to do. xo 2020 me