The Sparrow and I

The Sparrow and I

A Poem by Mariwel Lao

In a room where darkness was bare

A sparrow entered dancing in air

Singing me song with delight,

While I'm trying to catch its sight

 

Both of us never tried

To hide nor glide

For we knew there's no one around

In an empty room where we're safe and sound

 

Only I and this sweet little thing

While its tiny feathers are spreading

As if it could embrace the lonely me

And whisper.. "like me, you're free"

 

But it too knew that it could never be

That I don't have wings to flee

So I just stand firmly like a strong tree

And the little sparrow smiled above me.

© 2017 Mariwel Lao


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I see several problems. First, with logic. Look at:
- - - -
In a room where darkness was bare
A sparrow entered dancing in air
- - - -
How can darkness be bare—or adorned?

And if the room is dark, and open to the bird, it must be dark outside. But sparrows don't fly at night.
- - - -
Singing me song with delight,
While I'm trying to catch its sight
- - - - -
Would a song sparrow, on flying into a dark room, sing while hovering? And if you were in an enclosed room, would you have to work to make it see you? They have pretty close to 360° vision.

Next is prosody. There's a lot more to structured poetry than nailing a rhyme on the end of each line. You need to take into account the number of feet per line, and the structure from stanza-to-stanza, plus be consistent in starting a line as trochaic or iambic.

Take a look at the excerpt to Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. It will give you a good feel for the nuts and bolts of structured poetry. And, what he has to say about prosody has relevance to anything you write.

Sorry my news wasn't better. But it's all fixable.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mariwel Lao

4 Years Ago

Thank you for your honest review. I appreciate it. :)



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Gee
Rhyming for rhyming sake often ends in a disjointed, poem that will lack sense, as this does. Try reading the work of others, perhaps write shorter poems and you will see an improvement. I take my hat off to you as I am assuming this is your second language.
Stick at it, good luck

Posted 4 Years Ago


Mariwel Lao

4 Years Ago

Thanks! :) I appreciate it.
I see several problems. First, with logic. Look at:
- - - -
In a room where darkness was bare
A sparrow entered dancing in air
- - - -
How can darkness be bare—or adorned?

And if the room is dark, and open to the bird, it must be dark outside. But sparrows don't fly at night.
- - - -
Singing me song with delight,
While I'm trying to catch its sight
- - - - -
Would a song sparrow, on flying into a dark room, sing while hovering? And if you were in an enclosed room, would you have to work to make it see you? They have pretty close to 360° vision.

Next is prosody. There's a lot more to structured poetry than nailing a rhyme on the end of each line. You need to take into account the number of feet per line, and the structure from stanza-to-stanza, plus be consistent in starting a line as trochaic or iambic.

Take a look at the excerpt to Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. It will give you a good feel for the nuts and bolts of structured poetry. And, what he has to say about prosody has relevance to anything you write.

Sorry my news wasn't better. But it's all fixable.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mariwel Lao

4 Years Ago

Thank you for your honest review. I appreciate it. :)
I love how this poem gives me many different meanings in mind, I can relate to it in many different ways. I also love how diverse the symbolism of the tree, the sparrow and the thought of being free. I love every moment of this one.
Great Work Ms. Mariwel! This adds to my favorites!

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mariwel Lao

4 Years Ago

Thank you for your overwhelming words Christian! :)
I agree dear Mariwel. The strong trees can handle the wind and the hard days. I liked the old saying. Be like a willow tree. Bend and flex when the days are harder and stand strongly and firmly when we must. I liked the use of the sparrow and the strong ending. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mariwel Lao

4 Years Ago

Thanks for the words. :) I'm happy that you like it. :)
Coyote Poetry

4 Years Ago

I did enjoy and you are welcome.

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4 Reviews
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Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on April 28, 2017
Last Updated on April 28, 2017
Tags: Poetry, love

Author

Mariwel Lao
Mariwel Lao

Tarlac, 3, Philippines



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