Chant I (1/10)

Chant I

Once there was a Champion, justice he protected;
     though granted with ample adulation
     his humility kept his feet grounded.
     Missions he took were of brave conviction,
     he came rushing to where he was needed.
     His physique so grand, words lacked description;
     he trained his body until exhausted.
     Forever he longed for one companion,
     standards so high, they left him deserted.
     A lad with promise came as a vision,
with so much excitement, he then started his search.

He left Affronta City with such absurd haste,
     he only managed to grab his axe-sword
     and a bag of gold coins laced to his waist.
     Neglected the call of his noble lord,
     his status of grandeur was then defaced.
     Ignored the hindrances he can't afford,
     he journeyed the lands with no time to waste.
     Every city he passed were all explored,
     his feelings were slowly being misplaced.
     one day he stumbled upon an ad board:
a hero for hire that meets his expectation.

He looked at the ad board and read it carefully--
     at first he was shocked, then filled with dismay.
     A man used his name with perversity,
     his wrath came upon, reasons shut away.
     He grabbed the board then crushed it thoroughly,
     the crowd was shocked by his power display.
     He gazed at everyone so forcefully,
     the crowd responded by shying away.
     One kid, however, remained comfortably.
     He said, "I know where he is, by the way."
The Champion grabbed the kid and asked, "Where's the f****r?"

Author's Note

Summary: The Champion, the protagonist, is introduced.

Reviews

[InsanityWriter]

Very interesting. ;) I like how you wrote this. ^_^

[gombeggar]

doesn't need the commas and semi-colons, me thinks

[Writer *78*]

Impressive Work I applaude you for you effort but I would like more.

[snaprabbit]

"came running to those who's help was needed" - this line doesn't work for a couple of reasons. "Who's" is a shortening of "who is" or "who has", neither of which make sense if placed in this line. Secondly, using "whose" which would make sense grammatically, it still doesn't work, because whose is the possessive. That means he is then running to get help from others, and this is supposed to the Champion doing the helping, yes?

"though his built so grand" - typo I think, should it not be [build]?

What exactly is an axe-sword? I mean, I can take a guess that it's a combination of sword and axe, but I don't think it's a real weapon. Not really a big deal granted, but I just noticed it.

"every cities he passed" - should be "every [city]"

I'm not sure what the rules are for tenses in an epic poem (if there is any deviation from that of prose) but the end of the 2nd stanza you switch from past to present in two lines. Should be "a hero for hire that [met] his expectation."

Third stanza is really good, save for one line that seems forced, the "one kid, however, remained normally," - its the "normally" that doesn't really work for me here. It doesn't add anything to the line, it's just there as a filler to make the rhythm fit.

Good hook at the end, I'll keep an eye on this. Hope this helps.

Jamie.

[Felicity's Eve]

Very nice! I love the story that goes with this so far. You really drew me in :)