cherished enemy

cherished enemy

A Poem by Loribeth215

forget loving..

 

I need to make war,

I need to take you apart, my cherished enemy

let me rip you from the seams

 

tonight,

the fires burn against the sky

 

forget passion

isn't love the most fragile of things?

 

passion is often pain

and I will tear you apart,

let me tear you apart...

 

I need to wage war

your words are knives,

your eyes cut me deep.

 

I can show you

the power within

I surrender my last surrender

 

forget loving,

I come to make war.

© 2008 Loribeth215


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I love this. I absolutely, 100%, adore this poem. It's going on my favorites immediately. I'm speechless.

Posted 13 Years Ago


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Yun
I liked this, but the first ellipsis is missing a dot. In particular, how in "your words are knives, your eyes cut me deep." you mention how his/her words are cutting, but then refer to the eyes as an example; in my mind this emphasises how everything about the person is cutting.

Posted 13 Years Ago


So true in human nature, great poem. Aggression is so much a part of our lives, but society is afraid to face it with honesty.

Posted 13 Years Ago


I got a Writer's Cafe account just to let you know how much I enjoyed this. Fiery stuff. I didn't get the hate or the vitriol others seem to get out of it. I get instead this vixen vibe, aggressive, lusty passion that really moves along and gets the blood up as you read it. Great stuff!

Posted 13 Years Ago


mmmmmm
the deliciousness of letting the anger out.
nice concept.

Posted 14 Years Ago


Wow,what a great read! Keep up the great poems!

Posted 14 Years Ago


Omgggg thats hot!!! HAHAHA not to quote paris hilton or anything...but yeah thats hot i LOVE the first line...what a great opening, it makes you want to read more. Omg i love how you took a cliche/saying and made it your own...like sexy statement haha good job. I dont see why everyones like "Aw you poor thing...love is a b***h and blah blah..." I see this as a fury of passion...but each to their own i guess... And sorry its been a while since I've reviewed your stuff! Been busy with Sunset Fire lol :)

Posted 14 Years Ago


love can be a bithch, prfessionally written with so much hate, i love it

Posted 14 Years Ago


This seems to be full of hate, but in a way, well written
I enjoyed reading it
thank so much for sharing this poem with us

Posted 14 Years Ago


Wow, so this does not bode well for my first time using this site. I just spent the last half hour writing a very detailed review and it just disappeared and asked me to log in again when I submitted. Is it just me or is the review before me pure gibberish?
I enjoyed this poem enough that I signed up to the site to write you a review. You capture a common human experience with a simple, and thus forceful, grace. The first four and final 5 lines encapsulate the imagery of the middle section very nicely, wrapping this little nugget up with a big fat bow. That being said, though this poem is very good, it can be great with a little work. If you will pardon the total deconstruction, I'd like to break this down roughly in to things I love and things I don't.

Things I love:
"I need to take you apart, my cherished enemy/let me rip you from the seams" - These lines not only give me a great picture, but sound very nice off the tongue. The 'enemy' and 'let me' assonance is striking and natural.
"and I will tear you apart/let me tear you apart..." - The repetition of 'tear you apart', first as a threat and then as an exhortation really just knocks me dead. This line alone is a pretty good summation of the feeling you're trying to communicate.
"I surrender my last surrender" - Your repetition carries a lot of emotional weight here, and the choice of the word 'surrender' really fits the war motif well.
"forget loving,/I come to make war." - I love the shift in intention from the first two lines, where you 'need' to make war. There is a feeling of passion and inevitability here, like you just can't take it any more and you're coming whether it'll destroy you or not. The reckless abandon is inspiring!

Things I didn't love so much:
- Though I understand the intent behind the love/war juxtaposition throughout here I think it would be more accurate, and fit your theme better if you acknowledge that love is its own sort of war in the middle section, while drawing a contrast between the two (represented, for instance, as war and peace) in your top and bottom lines.
Again on lines 12-14 with: "your words are knives, your eyes cut me deep" your metaphor is a little confusing. To put it simply - your words have knives, but the eyes are doing the cutting. Are words and eyes both knives? That would be rather redundant. You could address this by developing two separate metaphors here or just making the one you have more coherent.

- Avoid at all costs vague, overused words. 'Passion,' 'pain,' and 'power' are all perfect examples of words that need to go. It's never possible to get rid of all overused words, but in this case I think these can be skimmed away.

- "tonight,/the fires burn against the sky" Here I don't understand exactly what fires these are supposed to be. Is there a subtext I'm missing? 'tonight,' sitting on its own line screams to start a repeating cadence, but it does not come. I wouldn't call this a necessity, but I would find it pleasing to the eyes.

That's about it. I'll be posting something of my own here in an hour or two, so if you could check it out and give me my first review I would be very grateful.


Posted 14 Years Ago



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Added on October 3, 2008

Author

Loribeth215
Loribeth215

CA



About
I write poetry and stories, but you'll see more of the former than the later, as I am trying to sell several stories to online publishers. You can see many of my stories on the following websites: .. more..

Writing
Far Away Far Away

A Poem by Loribeth215



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