the pain of pleasure in trailer park heaven

 

his face was screwed up into a grimace
and he was breathing like a fat man lugging a keg
up three flight of stairs

 

she watched a vein throb in his neck,
started thinking how close he looked to death

 

she prayed to jesus not to let him pop off and die
it was just about then he did, or so it seemed
as he groaned, dropped on her tits
and fell into a coma

 

it wouldn't have been worth the trouble,
it would have caused
when bitchwife came after her

 

she pushed him off
and watched vanna turn another letter
 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Seeking contructive critique. All comments and suggestions considered and appreciated.

Reviews

[Ed Hart]

it was in the early fifties when i had my little piece of trailer park heaven...just think, some people stay there; others take their puberty and move on...unthanks for the memories...again, you are beyond my range of constructive critique...all i can do is express appreciation in my colorless way...ed

[~Mariposa Una Lila~]

oh my...wasn't expecting that! lol.... I adore it! x0x0x

[DavidRyan]

Much like others have said, there's not much to critique here. Well written. You paint the picture well. It's flow is great and the ending is awesome. So realistic. I hate when people write about sex and make it seem like it looks beautiful when, a lot of the times, neither person looks their best. Well done. I promise, if I stumble upon something you can improve upon, I will let you know.

[Pax Analog]

Droll, earthy, on the edge of depressing and amusing.

"Screwed" double-entendre in the top line, and "watched Vanna turn another letter" creates a deadpan witty book-end effect, re the act depicted and the writing thereof.

Pushing him off after he got off, while Vanna TURNS creates a resonant echo effect as well, as the world turns, to every thing there is a season, turn, turn, turn. . .

This poem is a slow-spinning top, is the world in its everyday ordinary mode. . .

[Emily B]

way beyond my poor power to add or detract :)

[W.k.kortas]

Brisk, biting, and worthy of a full episode on Springer. As spare and unadorned as a mid-70's single-wide. Good stuff, indeed.

[Freder Fredersen (aka G..]

I grew up in a trailer park. I love this piece.

I do have a few suggestions:

I would take away the word "up" from the first line:
"screwed into" sounds pretty cool.

Last line; first stanza: I think "flights" would work better.

fourth stanza...I'd remove the comma between trouble and it.

Just some minor suggestions. Take em or leave em. Either way, this is a fine slice of life. The apathy and harsh characters created are great. I think Bukowski would approve. :)

Cheers!
FF

[Poets Soul]

I like it like it is. I loved the ending, very original. PS