One ~ Presence

Written from Mason's point of view.

Florentine's small grin disappeared after she saw my absent stare out the windshield of her sleek black Sentra. 

"Would you please lighten up, Mase? You're just making this a trillion times harder for yourself than it needs to be," she rolled her eyes, "and totally sidetracking me from being excited."

I suppressed a sigh and ran a hand through the wavy black hair, keeping my eyes steadily gazing out the window. 

Flora recognized my evasiveness and pulled the car over to the shoulder of the lane. 

"What are you-"

"Mason Vincent Regal, keep saturating my happiness with your depressing sob story of a life, then so help me God I will murder you in your sleep!" Her threats were like the quiet roar of a kitten, and I smiled, "Now please, we all miss Eve, okay?"

I cringed at the sound of her name.

"She was like a sister to me. And you think I'm totally fine with moving to Ambrose again? No! But this is where our parents want to live, and we're obligated to abide by their rules, okay? Now put on your big girl panties and suck it up!"

I knew that Flora didn't mean to be so harsh- I could see it in her velvety brown eyes- and I knew she loved me dearly. 

Mentioning Eve, however, was the most painful of the monologue. 

"Why do we bother following them?" I mused, "I mean, we know look the appropriate age to move out. You can live in Paris, like you always dreamed of, Florentine."

Flora's eyes sparkled slightly, and I smiled, glad that my little sister was appeased once again. 

"I'd move there with you, if you want. I would have no problem with it, Flora- but here's the way I look at it," I paused, gauging her reaction. 

"Mase..." She started, her knuckled tightening on the steering wheel as she glided us out of the shoulder of the road, "I could never leave our parents. The world is... it's unsafe for people like you and I. If some random human got suspicious of us, sent us to a lab for testing- then found out that our bodies were hollow!" Her voice was loud, but a whisper at the same time, "They'd do away with not only me and you, but Mom and Dad, too." We're different. We can't afford to think of such risks. I mean, we could be pulled over for the smallest thing, and then we were caught without driver licenses, they'd notice that something was wrong with us. 

"We aren't mortal, Mason. Get a hold of yourself! We aren't average humans... they die, we don't. Simple as that, Mase. We have to stay by our parents, they are our only key to survival."

The pursing of her lips indicated that the discussion had came to an end- and I've lost. I looked back out the window, desperate to get to school and forget about our argument entirely. 

"Sorry, Mase." Her eyes were gloomy, and I sighed. 

"It's okay, Flora. I suppose you're nothing short of correct," I reconciled. 

In light of the forgiveness, she smiled brightly, "Thanks. I love you, Masie-Pie!" She said comically. 

I chuckled. 

"Shut up, you little fungus, and get us to school." I rolled my eyes and looked out the window. 

I could smile and laugh all I wanted, but I was still hurt to be back in the town where I murdered my first love Eve unintentionally so many decades ago, just by merely being immortal. Ambrose, Georgia, held powerful, dark memories, but somehow, I thought that possibly I may be able to forgive myself for hurting such a fragile soul permanently. 

I shook the memory off, wishing I could die and just end my sorrow, but- just like Florentine, and my parents, and my brother Alec- it would never be done. 

I was damned to immortality forever.

Author's Note

Sorry this is so short, I gotta go to bed. Nighty-night!!

Reviews

[Christoph Poe]

I actually enjoyed this! A lot. I'm eager to know more which means you've kept my interests flowing. That's not easy.

Just a few negatives I thought about while reading, your two characters seem to speak very closely. Maybe that's intentional? Maybe not? I found myself confused a few times on who was talking, but reading back a paragraph or two, I caught back up. Just keep that in mind during your revision process.

Here's another thing I noticed which I'm even at fault for in my own writing: you go out of your way to describe the little things that are too unimportant to your story. If you can manage to avoid this, then it will make your writing a lot more fluent and understandable. For example, in your first sentence, use "sleek" and "black" to describe something else more important later on. They're kinda weak words anyways. Just tell us it's a Nissan Sentra. (Maybe the year model to give us a good idea of what time frame this is in: is it modern? Say a 2008 Sentra. Is it futuristic? Say a 2055 Sentra.) Make that opening sentence punch your audience with exactly what we're about to read. Don't "flower" the unimportant stuff. Only a suggestion though!

Your dialogue is great. You have a proper pacing for it. Don't loose that. You could use a bit more description in areas--in between dialogue--to keep that flow. Here's the thing with writing a novel that no one told me--I had to learn for myself: a good novel is a train of thoughts. It's not good to be random when writing a novel. It's actually terrible unless you're trying to write a comedy. When you think "banana" you might think about a "bus" next because its yellow. Then you might think about a "Lamborghini" bc it has 4 wheels like the bus. Then comes a "rich prick" who drives it.

So here's where it gets tricky: if you keep going like this, you will get off subject! Loop these thoughts around: you might come back to the banana by thinking "Oh, the rich prick has a nose that looks like a banana."

Okay, that was a terrible analogy, but maybe my point came across. (I hope it made sense anyways.)

The story is catching. You have given us enough, but I think you gave us too much. Don't tell us that he killed his first love. SHOW us that he doesn't want to go to this school bc of some painful memory he doesn't want to reveal. Then tell us later. Five us a question: this school in particular highly bothers him.

I suppose I can't think of too much more. Keep in mind I am not a professional in any form or fashion. I just hope I can help you in some ways. You have they superpower: you just need to master it.

Thanks for sharing!
Christoph Poe

96/100