Racing

This is about a 16 year old pianist who goes to a music academy for girls..thats all i have so far. the rest is going to have to be a surprise :P

Chapter 1

               The music flowed through her body, her slender fingers dancing on the white and black keys of her grand piano.  The girl’s body swayed with every push of the sustain pedal, making her silky brunette curls bounce and her satiny smooth skin flush with warmth.  Her dress was elegant and sparkly, with similarly dressed people standing around her.  The girl’s father, his arm through her mother’s, winked at her.

               Malaise was jerked out of her dream by rough hands pulling her up by her shirt.

               “Get outta here before I call the cops,” An older man, probably in his early forties, hissed at her.  He let go and she stumbled backwards, turning and running out of the alley she had been sleeping in.  The truth was Malaise had no home.  No money, no father, and no mother - no one.  She had been taught to play the piano beautifully, though, before her parents died.  She had been sleeping in this alley for days with nothing to eat.  She had frizzy brunette curls, acne mottling her tan skin.  But if you looked into her glowing hazel eyes, you would see that she wasn’t giving up.  Heck, she was just sixteen!  How could she give up when she didn’t even know what her future was going to hold?  But she knew one thing �" she was going to have a hard life.

*          *          *

               Malaise got her break.  She was watching an old man play chopsticks on a keyboard in the middle of a crowd, but no one paused to toss money in the hat that he had laid out.

               “Excuse me, sir.”  Malaise said politely.  “May I play for money?”

               “Huh,” He said, squinting down at her.  “Like they’ll give you money, but you can try if you want.”

               “Thank you, sir,” Malaise said sweetly.

               “Huh,” the old man said again.  Then Malaise was moving toward the piano...  And it was like they had never been apart.  She had not grown rusty in the years she had not played the piano.  It was like she was in her shabby little house with its patched roof again.  But she had had a beautiful baby grand that her mother had worked hard for.

               Now, she played Fur Elise on a dirty keyboard, but still a beautiful sound came out of it.  So beautiful that people stopped and stared �" and tossed money into the hat that the old man had lain out.  The tune was not hurried; Malaise played with a natural skill that few people had.

               When she finished the song, the old man was gaping at her, and she realized that he was missing quite a few teeth.

               “Can you sing?”  He asked her finally.

               Malaise shrugged. “I have never tried,” she said simply.

               “Well, try.”  The old man said.  So Malaise sang a song while she played the piano.  A beautiful, high-pitched, haunting melody slithered from her mouth.  Accompanied with the piano, it sounded like a whole choir.  Malaise was racing.

Chapter 2

               Quite a crowd had gathered as Malaise finished her third song on the piano.  A man stepped forward and introduced himself as the owner of a music academy for girls.

               “Would you be interested in joining?”  He finished.

               “I...” Malaise started, and then finished lamely, “I have no money.”

               The man snorted and said, “With your talent, that won’t be necessary.  So, what do you say?”

               “Sure,” Malaise replied, feeling ecstatic.

*          *          *

               The Sunrise Music Academy for Girls was unlike anything Malaise had ever seen.  A towering structure, it was home to many rich girls who she could see through the big windows, staring at her as she went up the stone steps, past the manicured lawn, the bushes resembling animals, and finally, a huge elephant fountain.

               “Right this way, miss.”  The man, whose name was Edward Sr., said, beckoning her toward a set of huge oak doors.

               The Academy was even more impressive from the inside.  Two massive staircases swept the lengths of the room, each leading to a different side.  The décor was expensive, “not to be touched,” said Edward Sr.  The tinkling of another fountain greeted her as she made her way up the staircase to her right.  Edward Sr. had given her specific instructions.  “Up the stairs, then go all the way down the hall and turn left.  Your room number is thirty-two.”

               So, Malaise went up the marble staircase, cold against her dirty bare feet, and went all the way down the hall.  She passed girls in their spotless uniforms, giggling at her dirty, ragged clothes.

               They don’t know how lucky they are to have a home, Malaise thought angrily as she passed yet another giggling group of girls.  Malaise just stared back, and they turned away, hurrying down the hallway she had just come in.

               She slowed when she saw door number thirty, and then opened her door.  Inside, it was like a palace.  There was a huge four-poster bed complete with butterfly nets and bed skirts.  To her left was a wooden desk with a laptop already sitting on it.  The entire room was painted creamy beige with dark brown floral prints along the bottom.  Next to the desk was a bookshelf stuffed full of books.  A crystal chandelier hanging down from the ceiling, and, completing the look, an enormous window gave her a view of the perfect and beautiful gardens. 

               Malaise stared openmouthed at the sight before her.  She had never been anywhere this beautiful, before.  Finally, after a few minutes of gawking, her trembling hand felt the edges of the silky sheets of the bed, and the dust-less oak table.

               Since she didn’t have any bag to unpack, she was to come to dinner with the other girls right away.   She looked at the ornate clock hanging on the wall.  It read 6:25.  Malaise’s stomach rumbled and she went out of her beautiful new room, casting one last loving glance over her shoulder as she closed the door.

               When she arrived, showered and changed into clean clothes, to the dining hall, all chatter abruptly ceased.  This room was painted the same as her room, with the same chandelier, but there was a long dining table in the middle of the room.  There was a bouquet of flowers sitting on the middle of the table, and the ceiling was shaped in such a way that noise in the room seemed two times louder than it really was.  

Author's Note

It's not finished yet, but I think it's going to be pretty dramatic and adventure-filled(:
Please review my story, and be rude(:
jk imma tell you the rest. She finds out that the girls there are being brainwashed into making nuclear bombs for the headmaster so that he can destroy the world. Then she's in a race against time, money, and everyone at the Sunrise Music Academy for Girls, to save everyone she knows and loves before the all die. :D

Reviews

[Allen Smuckler]

Molly,
I don't know where you're going to end up based on two chapters...but I can tell you this....you definitely have a knack for story telling...You mad it interesting, descriptive, and for the time being anyway, a tale I might like to follow. There are many things (grammar, syntax, and structure) that need work....but that shouldn't stop you at all. Your colorful imagery lets me know exactly who the characters are and makes me care about them.
Continue to write and edit as you go along.
Look at other writes to see how they handle dialogue and .....I almost hate to say this....but rewrite sentences that end in prepositions. Ex teacher talking now.
All in all a superb start, Molly
allen

[Rae Elizabeth]

I didn't like it.... Honestly, I loved it (: Amazing story, and I can't wait to read more! It especially kept my interest, because I play the piano as well. Well done.

[Mark]

I only read chapter one but I think you're off to a decent start. When you name a character something with a great deal of meaning like Malaise I think you need to connect the reader more immediately to why you did that. It is a tool that is sometimes used by writers to good effect but it needs to be done with more awareness. Read pilgrims progress, its the most extreme example of it. The big thing to be careful of is when you give a character such a name it has to directly reflect the character or it will be extremely distracting from your purpose. Secondly, even when the character fits right with that name it makes the reader aware of the author. Whenever you are reading a book, you usually want to remain unaware of the story as an artificial construction of the author's imagination. The name Malaise is not a common or natural one and it is too obviously invented by the author You want the readers to be able to allow the story to be as real as possible to them. When you give names like this the reader is constantly reminded of the authors presence and it takes away from their ability to lose themselves in the story. It can be done well though, you just need to know exactly what effect it has and how to use it. Go read some stories where the author has done it well and you will learn more than I could tell you.

[Demi Rose]

major coolies. i liked it. has a strong presence.

[SwagMaster]

This is amazing! Great detail, and a fabulous beginning. Keep it up!

[Tomislav Petricevic]

So far the plot is interesting, but I don't quite dig that nuclear bomb thing...but I guess it'll work out when you write that part. It's very original! And your expressions are also good.

[Veronica]

Nicely written. :) I liked the adjectives you used, they painted a picture for me to see the story, good work!

[Sara Mercury]

There are some grammatical errors that need work and some structure that could be improved upon, but you need to go on and get this story out as a draft and keep revising it. This is a VERY GOOD BEGINNING and the story sounds very inspirational. I can't wait until you get it finished! Keep up the good work, Darling!

[AK]

Wow! That was amazing. So very well written. Just one thing I'd like to tell you. In the beginning, you started off beautifully using an exquisite choice of words. Owing to this fact, 'heck she was sixteen' seems slightly off place. Otherwise it was wonderful. I'd really like to read the following chapters when they come. If you want to know how to continue it, I'd say it's quite obvious. Talk about the dinner that day and how her coaching goes. Could add a few friends, enemies, troubles, happinesses, et cetera. Hope that helps!

[Reaper]

Good story. I enjoyed it a lot.