ENTRY 1: Ain't no sunshine when he is gone

(my thoughts on a man whom i fondly recall as "showstopper")

ENTRY 1: AIN'T NO SUNSHINE WHEN HE IS GONE

To cling on to him, who came to leave?

I tried not to be fully involving my heart in our everyday conversation or small meetings. 

But I guess I am not designed that way. I am not designed to give halfheartedly.

I suppose I gave in full measures’ my time and my attention. He too has seemed to enjoy it. 

And now we are apart. He is gone. He has found new avenues of amusement, maybe new friends.

I seem to have difficulty moving away with that fact that I was replaceable in his life, that he had accepted that my season in his life to be over.

I too am repeating the same in my mind over and over again to get the exact desired result �" move on, but I don’t have seems to acquire success.

What is stopping me? I am I lingering here, waiting or hoping for his return.

Is it my pride or the self-pity that forces me to grieve a bit longer, to add his name into the list of cowards who fear commitment?  Do I necessarily have to label him as villain who sports around with no plan for future? 

So what if he is? How is he my culprit? Does he owe me anything?

For instance, let say, a simple office guy is very happy to see me. I always acknowledge him and respond to him with enthusiasm. But he cannot blame me of infidelity or breaking his heart.  In spite of all my joyful exchanges with him, I don’t think of him day and night. I plan no physical involvement with him (not even in my dreams) I know that he likes me and by been polite I feel gloriously charitable. I am at least not trampling over his heart.  It’s it a sign of a good woman.

If I consider its good, then doesn’t this apply for him too? Why do I blame him to be evil? One reason could be my sense of pride, I believe myself to be a superior being than him. I see myself as a catch whereas thinks that people who have no Christian God’s are a waste and are lesser humans. I wish to not be in relation with a lesser human. However, when I fall for such a being, I pose as a generous heart who can welcome all humans. When in fact I am carving the lesser human (as my ego might say) and willing to compromise with the marriage directives of my God.

Well at last what would happen if he returns or if he never returns? I must know that it’s his free will. It has nothing to do with my goodness, beauty or worth as a woman. Nor his moral values, manliness as a man. 

I ought to respect his right to choose or pass, without questioning my worth.

What if he returns? That is not to test waters but to renew and relive the old friendship. I will have to give it a chance to be with him and still let him decide his life for himself. I must just be there as a spectator, allowing him to take decisions for himself.

What if he comes back to test the waters? Well, shouldn’t I be happy then that the feelings might be mutual.

How will this entire scenario affect my heart, my life? Do I need to be a passive spectator? Living entirely on his verdict to choose or pass over me?

Depends on do I prefer a part time lover or a full time husband?

I must do justice to myself. Give everybody the share that they deserve. Didn’t I wish him a goodbye with a pretty gift (bought specially for him) I gave him a handwritten note declaring how much I appreciate his time and his devotion to remain around (though he was remotely around). I did promise to see him again, only upon his impulsive promise that we should meet.

He promises to meet me again. It gave me a hope that it might be love. It might continue.

Nevertheless, today after seven month after that goodbye, I am forced to think that it was the final goodbye. It was the period and not a comma. MAN PROPOSES GOD DISPOSES. He tried once to meet, I was unavailable and he never tried again.

He might have felt that farewell will be complete after that lunch but i never gave him that chance. His effort might have been equivalent to the meeting itself. Therefore, he must have felt that he kept his promise.

If it is so then my part of farewell is over. He owes me nothing. I owe him nothing.

The story has ended. It’s time to turn the leaf. Relish the story and may re-tell it to others with happiness and not bitterness. Don’t we all like love stories and it brings us all a warm feeling.

I am saying to myself- “Wow! What a beautiful romantic story it was of a man so manly and woman so dainty. If ever they cross paths again, they will fall in love all over again, deeper, richer and sure…..

……and there will be more to write then”.