The Many.

It hasn't been easy, these past couple of years. I see myself as one tiny entity being bombarded by titan problems, so many, one after the other, no space for recovery in between. I guess the older I get, the better I cope which is very very difficult. I know I'm not the only one with problems and I most definitely don't have the biggest problems in existence but it does make me wonder how people don't give up. Every day that goes by is a struggle for survival, my poor heart, anxiety ridden, pounding away, sending signals to my mind, asking when it will all end. 

"Pray", my mother would say. At this point, I don't doubt there is a God, things can't just happen coincidentally, perfectly fitting into each other, big and small to cause minuscule to gigantic happenings. Something has to be behind all this. The good, the not so good, the naturally occurring.. I don't care what one believes in, religion, nature and all that, there is that One that no one can explain (and I will salute scientists the day they do), arguments have been raised that 'believers' only 'believe' because they want an outlet they can use for all the things they cant explain and sometimes even loneliness... gone off topic yet again. there's so many.

Anyway, as I stated above, mother always encouraged me to pray. She said happiness and peace comes from prayer, it will all align beautifully in the end... I was watching 'Hemlock Grove' earlier today, a series that hasn't impressed me but has managed to keep my attention, astonishingly, all the way into the eighth episode of the first season (there's only two so far). A phrase I heard caught my attention. "God doesn't want you to be happy, He wants you to be strong". It got me thinking, if to suffer is the main objective here (because nobody gets strong by living lush and doing nothing but being comfortable), then I'm on the right track here. BUT! on the right track to where? I don't see what I'm being prepared for if all I will be doing all my life is struggling. Will there be one final battle where if I get through there will be nothing but positivity and happiness?

I'm too sensitive, I know. Too sensitive and considerate. I take the phrase "walk in my shoes", or "look at it from my point of view", too far and it is killing me. I take on everyone's problems as if mine don't already have me by the throat which brings me back to "God wants you to be strong". Maybe thats what it means. I already am in battle and it will last for as long as I do. There was no preparation, no warning, I just got flung into existence. "fight", I was told, and so I did. And I still do. 

I have to salute everybody who hasn't given up yet. Me included I guess. I can't say things will get better. I can say however that by not giving up you are winning. 

For those who are thinking of giving up. Stop. it's supposed to hurt, and rip you to shreds. This way, the easy times and the good times, no matter how short, are that much sweeter.

For those who have given up, I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry it got too hard for you and you couldn't hold on, sometimes the cause of a sweeping tornado is to do just that, sweep you away.

Either way, you are not irrelevant and neither are you unaccounted for, I cared.

Fight on.

Rest in peace Jonah.