'Sylis' Chapter 1

Today’s the day. The letters are all written.  Envelopes sealed.  It’s amazing what you write when nothing matters, when you have so much to say and yet, nothing at all, but I guess my words will matter to a few people.  At least I hope they will.  I haven’t set a time yet.  Should I set a time?  As long as it’s after dark I should be ok, that way no one will suspect anything, no one will catch me.

 

 

Losing you has been the final blow.  I sometimes wonder if that’s why it happened.  That maybe I was trying too hard.  I was happy though, for a while, I’m sure I was happy.  It seems so long ago now; everything’s so hard to remember. My days and nights all blur into one, I can’t tell the difference any more.  What I do remember is that it was a year and three weeks since you left me.  Of all the things I can’t remember, it’s the one thing I’m unable to forget.  I replay it over and over in my mind, like a CD that has got stuck.  I was happy though.  We were happy, or at least I think we were.

 

It was the 18^th of May, the weather had been unpredictable through most of it, which is usual for England, but that day the sun was shining and the air was hot like it was summer not spring.   Have you ever noticed how much happier everything is when the sun is shining?  I say ‘everything’ as opposed to ‘everyone’, as even the birds seemed chirpier, trees somehow more green and vibrant.  It was like the air was alive in some way, buzzing almost.  I’d finally taken the plunge and agreed to move into your tiny two bed mid terrace right at the other end of town.  The house was ridiculously small, but was homely and rugged, it reminded me of you.  It had a red door with a wonky number 11 on the front, which you said you would fix, but you never did.  All the houses looked the same on your street, but yours was always easy to spot with its bright red door.  I wonder if the other houses had a squeaky third step?  Did you plan to fix that too?  I guess it doesn’t matter.  It’s just funny the things you notice, all unimportant, but all now a constant reminder of you.

 

Of course, leaving Shakira - 'Shakey', as I call her - was the hardest bit, but you knew it would be.  Shakey, my beautiful, erratic, borderline insane best friend, who is incapable of making any rational decisions on her own.  Shakey, who never kept a job down longer than three months, or a man for that matter.  It’s probably why me moving out had come as such a big shock to her.  I had been the only consistent thing in her life and in a way; she was the only thing in mine too.  After weeks of silent treatment, sulky digs and pleading, she finally gave in and accepted I was moving out.  

 

 

''That’s that then,''  she said, as she tossed my final bag of clothes into the boot of your car.  She had come back in her lunch break to help me, but I remember wishing she hadn’t.    I was so full of doubt that day and her questioning eyes weren’t making it any easier for me.  She handed me a plastic carrier bag full of CDs.

 

''Some songs to remember me by,''  she said, voice all dramatic.  I rolled my eyes at her.

 

''It’s the other end of town Shakey, not another country,''  I said as I tied the bag into a knot.   ''Besides,'' I glared, ''I will still see you at work, if you actually turn up for this one.''  I gave her a playful nudge and watched her giggle as she slid down the side of the car. 

 

''Err I should have been back fifteen minutes ago!'' she laughed.  ''Damn! I thought I was getting better at this!''

 

I stared at her unimpressed, as she blew me an imaginary kiss and headed quickly towards her car.

 

''Love you, Gracie,'' she called, but turned towards you before she got in.  ''Oh and as for you,'' she jabbed with her finger, ''you best take care of her Benjamin, or else!''

 

You laughed at me as she slammed the door and drove off.  I  could hear her cheesy music blaring from up the road.  I shook my head and sighed.

 

''She is going to have to grow up sometime, Grace,'' you said.  I shot you a warning look, but you just laughed and raised your hands in defence.

 

''You all set?'' you said cheerfully.  ''It’s not too late to change your mind you know.'' You looked at me and waited for me to respond. You were still smiling, but I could see your face had changed. You looked nervous.

 

''Anyone would think you are trying to talk me out of it,'' I said, trying to make light of it.   You grinned as you opened my door.

 

''Shall we then?'' you said.  I deliberately brushed past you and sat in the passenger side and watched you gently close the door.

 

''Oh, is it ok if we swing by, Grove End?''

 

''Sure, how come?'' you said, frowning.   I felt my stomach twist into knots. Was I really going to do this?

 

''I just need to post a few things''

 

''Like?'' You said intrigued.

 

''Like,  change of address.''    You beamed the biggest smile ever, gave me a nod and turned on the ignition.  

 

Grove End was the name of the country route that backed onto woodland.  It had an old and battered post box at the far end of the winding road.   Its paint had faded and the writing was unreadable, not like the modern red shiny boxes. We could have gone to any of those.  I just always like that one, it was unique. I always liked the drive there too.  I would always look out for the same things on the way, the picturesque cottage I swore one day I would buy. The hidden tree house some kids made a few years back and the dead tree that looked like an old man if you caught it at the right angle.  All the things you take for granted, always what you expect to see.

 

The sun was shining brightly through the windscreen and even with the visors down it was hard to see the road. You didn’t mind though, you knew these roads as well as I did.  We bumped along the winding dirt track. I could feel my stomach start to knot up again. I reached for the bag Shakey handed me earlier and picked out the first CD on the pile. 

 

''Now That’s What I Call Music,'' I said, frowning suspiciously at the cover.

 

''Yeah! Put it in,'' you laughed.  

 

I pushed the CD inside the player and listened as music blared out of the speakers.  You cranked up the volume and started to sing along, I couldn’t tell if you were putting it on or if you were genuinely that bad, but as you got louder I had to look away just to control my smirk.  You were really getting into it. Your face was so full of concentration and looked so stupid, I had to laugh.

 

''What?''  You said pretending to be offended.

 

The muscles in my sides pulled.  It felt so strange to laugh, I wasn’t used to it.   I turned to look at you again, but this time, your face had changed. You were deadly serious. All the colour drained from your face and little beads of sweat started to run down your forehead.  I don’t remember seeing an animal, but it must have been something pretty big to scare you. 

 

  You looked over my shoulder, through the window, a longer stare this time, with panic all over your face.  I have never seen anybody look so scared, ever!  I turned to see what you were looking at, but I couldn’t see anything, just trees, bushes and dirt.   I scanned the area again in case I had missed something and quickly turned back to look at you, but before I could ask what you’d seen your eyes widened and your jaw dropped.   I turned my head towards the screen, but there wasn’t anything there.

 

  You pulled a hard left on the steering wheel, like you were swerving to avoid something.   The car automatically responded. It turned sharply in the shade of the huge trees, kicking up dust as it skidded in the road.  I watched your face.  You were so frightened; it made me terrified just to look at you. 

 

  The back end of the car swung out, we were nearly facing in the opposite direction.  The tyres started to screech and judder against the dirt, but your foot never eased off the accelerator.  I could feel you, desperate to escape, but the car was going too fast. It was out of control. I looked out of my window at the stone wall that surrounded the woodland and screamed, gripping my seat as the wall got closer and closer to me. You started spinning the steering wheel in the opposite direction, frantically trying to gain control again, but the sudden change only added to the chaos.  We hit a large boulder near the wall, which sent the car high in the air.

 

  As if in slow motion I could see the wall, the trees and the road, over and over again. The car was rolling; I clung to my seat, desperately digging my nails into the leather.  With each roll I could hear the piercing crash of metal, and feel the force smack hard against my body.  I was too dizzy to focus, but I knew this was bad.  I knew I wasn’t going to get out of this alive.  My stomach lurched and bile rose in my throat as reality sunk in.

 

  The car hit the ground again, my chest was so heavy and tight, I couldn’t breathe.  I squeezed my eyes closed, desperate for it to be over, but in the madness, in all the noise, all the spinning, my chest eased and lifted.  I opened my eyes quickly and saw the road speed towards my face, growing larger by the millisecond.   I put my arms out in defence, but it was too late.  I hit the floor and felt my body break.  I’m dead!  Or at least I wished I was.

 

  When I woke the noise was unbearable, my ears rang so loudly it frightened me.  Lights flashed and people where everywhere.   I could see a fire engine in the distance, but something was blocking my view, a little light flashing in and out of my eye.

 

''Can you hear me?'' a voice called.  I blinked and stared at the red engine. 

 

''My name is Diane . . . I’m a paramedic.  If you can hear me, can you squeeze my hand?''

 

  I tried to lift my head to get a better view of the fire engine and piece together what was happening, but nothing was making sense.  I could see you were no longer sitting beside me.  Maybe I had been cut from the car?   I didn’t hear any saws or drilling though.  How long had I been out?  I heard Diane’s voice again in the distance. 

 

''She has a concussion and possible fracture to the right radius.  I can’t see any lacerations or signs of internal trauma, but won’t know for certain until she's checked at the hospital.'' 

 

''Where’s Ben?''  I whispered.  My words came out slower than I expected them to, like my body hadn’t quite caught up with my brain.

''Grace, can you tell me what happened?'' a man said.  I turned to find him, but the movement made me feel dizzy and once again I saw the light blink in and out of my eye. 

 

''I need to get her to the hospital,'' Diane said.

 

''Of course,'' said the man, ''I will go and speak to the coroner now, but we will need to know the moment she is conscious and fit to answer some questions.''  But I was conscious, or at least I could hear everything they were saying.  And that’s when it hit me. I’m not dead.  You are.

 

 

Author's Note

This is a DRAFT version of ‘Sylis’. I am aware that there may be a lot of technical error’s but at this stage I’m trying to get feedback on the story line, character’s etc. Any technical advice will be gratefully received and I will look to edit the whole story with everyone’s suggestions in mind.
Thanks for reading
Michelle :)

Reviews

[DarkAngelWriter]

My goodness. This was beyond outstanding.

My biggest problem with writing seems to be extending important, dramatic scenes, but you seem to have it down pat. That was a lot of space of just talking about the accident, and every line was needed. It was intense, it was suspenseful, and it was amazing.

I loved the first person of the chapter. The use of "I" and "You" made it flow just so naturally. No gramatical errors that caught my eye. Simple misspelling of tires (tyres), but that was actually kinda cool.

Very grateful for the friend request that brought me to reading this chapter. It's wonderful, and I'm headed right to the second.

Excellent job. Very impressive from a new writer.

[Cara Rosalie]

Hi Michelle,

Thank you, again, for the email and suggesting your story. I finished with the first chapter this evening and enjoyed it very much! You open strong. Rather than a build up to a scene, we're thrown right in. I have a good sense for "who" Grace is. I hear her slightly frazzled, determined, and ambivalent voice. I think writing in first person was a good choice for this story.

The flashback is intelligently done. I didn't feel thrown off balance when it arrived. Also, by the end, I'd forgotten you had told us someone had died. When I went back, I realized I had already been given this information, but was so caught up in the story of Grace and Benjamin, I forgot all about it. Benjamin is well constructed. I see the care-free, perpetually laughing, and boyish likability.

Shakira is fun. She's that non-nonsense, wild, and off kilter friend, that you wouldn't trade for anything in the world.
We all know that girl :)

The car scene is terrific. As the intensity amplifies, I became edgier and my reading pace picked up. That the moment is preceded by one of humor and light-hearted fun, is well played. I assumed something must be coming soon, but was taken by surprise in the abrupt change in mood. The story takes a sharp turn and all of a sudden -- along with Grace -- we're holding on to the edge of seats. I'm left to wonder what on earth has just happened.

Great last line. You entice the reader in the second chapter.

Grammatical errors/Suggestions

Would love to have some physical descriptions. I find that giving your reader a clear mental picture from the get-go, strengthens the bond toward the characters. For me, I often times select an actress or actor based on the details the writer relinquished. Having a face to paint expression on, is preferable to a blurry slab of skin. Also, if you don't give the reader a face, they will implement one on their own and then when you do give details, it can be jarring because they've already formed an image in their mind.

Has Jim spoken with you about removing unnecessary "had" (s) and "that" (s) ? It was a great piece of advice he gave to me and I wanted to share with you. I found I over-used them in my writing frequently, relying on them as a sort of cushion word. Removing them cleans up the writing and helps the sentence to stand stronger

"Of course, leaving Shakira or 'Shakey', as I call her, was the hardest bit but you knew it would be." This sentence is a little comma heavy and is also missing one after "bit" This works better: "Of course, leaving Shakira -- Shakey, as I call her -- was the hardest bit, but you knew it would be."

As a rule, a comma should come before the word "but" It signifies a shifting in thought or direction.

Put an "of" before May.

I think "rational" would work better than "rationalized"

"Love you Gracie" Needs a comma after you.

"She is going to have to grow up sometime Gracie." Needs a comma after sometime

Did you spell defence with a "c" on purpose? I know in other countries, often times an "s" is replaced with a "z" but I have never seen it done with a "c" before.

''Oh, is it ok if we swing by Grove End?'' Needs a comma before Grove End

"you frowned" should either be "You frowned." or "you said, frowning" A person cannot speak using solely a frown.

"I felt my stomach twist into knots, was I really going to do this?" Needs a period after knots.

There are a few other places commas could be implemented, however, I just wanted to give you a jump-start. I didn't find your story corrupted without them, but using them would offer a fluidity to your piece and give your reader less work. :)

Michelle, you should be so proud of yourself! I am a new writer as well, and I know just how difficult it is to put something you've poured your blood, sweat, and tears into, in a forum for critiquing. Obviously, your story has been well received and you've built a solid fan base :) Your style and abilities will continue to change and improve, and with every piece of feedback you will learn something new. Wonderful first chapter! I absolutely agree with you... You do have a story to tell!

Cara

[northern monkey]

Masterful storytelling. Did you get this gift by word of mouth from other great storytellers, or some other means? Whatever, your gift is always welcome here!

[Megan S.]

Can I say I don’t like you? Is that allowed?! So, I officially LOVED this chapter, and I’ll go through the general outline, but what I have to say first is this. I have already read the third chapter, and I’m STILL mad at you for killing him in the first chapter. Sure! It had to happen, but STILL! It’s simply no fair and I don’t like it! (Not really, I love, love, LOVE that you did it, and the way it ended the chapter! AH!)

Things You Should Work On:

Okay, it’s now time for me to attempt to tell you what you should work on when I really didn’t find much when I was reading. I normally do this section first because it’s the one that makes me feel bad, but for you, for this chapter, I honestly can’t think of anything you should fix. There were a couple of places you missed a comma or added a period where you didn’t need one, but those are simple mistakes that if I tried to go back and find them, I’d probably miss them anyway, so that’s not really a big deal. I also noticed that you missed the word and in there a few times. I know it feels like it’s an extra word we should just leave out sometimes, but other times it’s a word we need, so go back and try to see if you can find those spots. It may turn out that I’m just weird and see mistakes where there aren’t any. Okay, now on to the part I have been craving ever since I started this one!

Things I Really Liked:

AH! Simply AH! I adore this in all ways. Your character set up was magnificent. I learned about Grace- who she was (but just the basics), how she was feeling, what she was worried about. Simply put, I got to be inside her head, and I LOVED it. From reading chapter three then moving back to chapter one, so far I haven’t felt like I’ve lost anything from the story. I noticed that this chapter doesn’t have all of the “I” repetitiveness that was there in three. Your sentence structures were stronger, you had a stronger base in this chapter- meaning, you took your sentences and laid them out like a foundation at the beginning, letting us know what the MC (main character) was thinking and what we were going to hear about. Then you built up off that foundation with a strong structure of sentence variety, good word usage, and you weren’t trying to impress with big words that make the piece sound like gibberish. I find that the first chapter is the most important because you learn the most about your characters. I’m hoping that I’m right and your MMC (male main character) is going to be Benjamin, and it’s obvious that Grace is going to be your FMC (female main character). It excites me that I know her name now because I can really start getting into reading her character since I know more about her. Anyway, I loved this chapter in all totality, and I can’t wait to read more!

Favorite Line:
That would have to be, “All the things you take for granted, always what you expect to see.” This is true in so many ways, and I find it sad that we have to lose something we expect before we really appreciate it in all of its beauty and importance. This line seems to take the whole gist of this chapter in hand without even meaning to, and I kind of hope that it was an accident on your part that that happened because wouldn’t that be neat?

Anywho, I still grr at you for killing him, but I love the way you ended the chapter. An ending that leaves people wanting to read more like that is true talent. I wish you all the luck and hope you never stop writing. You totally rock, girl!

--Megan S.

[?]

Well written and very descriptive
Keeps the readers attention
Cant wait to read the rest, have some catching up to do. lol

[SweetHeart (:]

Okay only a complete GENUIS and OUTSTANDING and COMPLETELY SMART WONDERFUL PERSON could write this and obviously i know forshure thats YOU . gosh its making me want to read more more and soooooooo much more. your such an awweosome writer. wtrite more write more!!!!!!
I juss apsalotley positivly loved it all!!!! (::::

[A.Noel]

That's a five star beginning for sure!!! u grip the reader and pull them into the story right from the start, then bombard then with a horrible tragedy.

[Anna]

I don't think I have ever read anything written in the first person quite like this. The I and You kind of threw me but I got used to it. I really like the description of the crash, very vivid and real. I would love to know what he saw that made him loose control. Wonky is my new favorite word. You should spell out all numbers. I noticed a few very minor things but I am not sure if they are colloquialisms, I think that it should be the "eighteenth of May" instead of "18th May" and "like a CD that has got stuck" I think you were going for the "broken record" expression. In any case, the wording is a little hokey. Apart from that I think this is really great work, curiosity abounds and sucks you in and shakes you up a bit. I will definitely be reading the next chapters soon. :)
-Anna

[Right Wing Constervativ..]

you are a very good writer

[Coyote Poetry]

A very strong story in this chapter. You put a lot of situation ion this chapter. I like the characters and the discussions. The description made the story come alive. A sad ending to the chapter. I will keep reading. A excellent chapter.
Coyote