What Is It Like To Be So Happy?

What is it like to be so sad? To feel so alone? To want to go? Learn the struggles of victims of depression as we follow one girl on her journey to recovery. Does she make it to the end?

CHAPTER ONE

Tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock.. went the melodic stainless steel clock placed centre on the cool, grey, unwelcoming wall.

"What is it like to feel happy?" I whispered staring opposite me at the clock.

"I'm sorry...?" the psychiatrist asked with a concerned look in her friendly brown eyes.

"What is it like to feel happy? "

"I....I....I don't understand what you mean. It's ni-"

"Is it easier?" I interrupted looking down at her quickly. "Are you able to be alone with your thoughts without them overwhelming you to a point of being afraid of yourself?

Do you see the world through a positive view?

Is there hope in your life?

Do you feel purpose?"

"I don't really know how to explain it to you.." she whispered.

"I bet it's lovely." I continued, staring in her direction but not actually focusing, too wrapped up in my thoughts. "To be able to look at life as something good, something worth living, not just an endless torture. To be able to smile, a genuine smile, with genuine emotion, not just a fake smile used to cover up the emptiness within."

I laughed quietly to myself shaking my head slightly, "Who am I kidding? I don't deserve happiness, I never will."

My psychiatrist stayed quiet, studying me carefully from over her glasses. "I think you need to speak to someone more equipped...someone a bit more understanding."

I smirked at her and smiled, "Okay, I understand." Getting up to leave I turned to Dr.Lee and smiled timidly, "thank you for listening.."

"It's my pleasure, sorry I couldn't be of better help. Stay strong Jade."

I closed the door softly behind me as I entered the hell hole that is my world.

Closing the door on the unfriendly yet welcoming sanctity and opening the door on grim reality, I left the psychologist's office. 

The outside corridor was as bleak and medically sterile as the psychologist's room from which I just exited. The rows of dull, grey, lifeless chairs lining the wall occupied by persons society had swiftly and ignorantly declared insane.  These people forgotten by the world except for that one hour a week in which they met their shrink.

I could feel gazes fall on my imposing figure. Trying to remain unnerved I continued walking, watching the people out of my peripheral vision. This building really was a pic n' mix of mental illness. The neurotic, psychotic, schizophrenic, bipolar, and the anxious.

There was one girl in particular that caught my eye. Wild brunette hair splaying out in all directions, skin as white as the fairest white rose, belonging to a small, delicate, malnourished frame. She sat on the seat at the end of row on the right side. Her knees pulled up to her chest, staring at the ground.

I didn't pause, I made my way to the secretary's desk and explained how Dr.Lee was referring me to a new psychologist. "Hold on a minute dear, take a seat as I sort out the paperwork." Nodding my thanks I sat in the seat opposite the girl.

From here I could get a closer look of her. Her lifeless grey eyes were hollowed back into her dark circled sockets. Staring but unfocused. She moved her arm tighter around her knees and as the sleeve of her largely oversized hoody fell down I saw her arm. The bright red lines of her cuts a sharp and upsetting contrast to her snow white skin. A closer look allowed me to see the words "fat", "ugly", "worthless" carved into her arm multiple times.

I wanted nothing more than to grab the unknown girl in a huge hug and tell her just how beautiful she was and how she didn't need to do this to herself but I was too afraid to. Her brittle frame looked like it would shatter if I laid a finger on her.

"Ms. Greene" the secretary piped up pulling me out of my thoughts, "Here's your appointment details and a letter from your new psychologist, a welcome note of sort" she smiled. 
"Thank you" I whispered and returning her smile timidly I turned, I gave a nervous smile and half wave to the girl who tried and failed to smile back. Holding back tears I swiftly made my escape down the stairs into the outside world. 

CHAPTER TWO

Slamming the apartment door behind me I threw my keys into the bowl and the letter on to the top of the the dresser beside me. Making my way to the kitchen I stripped off my coat and scarf, threw them onto the back of the couch and pressed play on the ipod dock as I passed. 

The soft, gentle sound of a xylophone started to fill the room. I swayed across the kitchen dancing slowly with my eyes closed to the intro antcipating the burst of electric guitar. And sure enough the quiet xylophone climaxed and the sweet sound of an electric guitar filled the room. My eyes snapped open and I exploded with energy. Dancing around and miming the guitar. Falling to my knees I sang "NIGHTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE" on the top of my lungs in time with the song.

This. These are the moments I lived for. The moments where I could block out the real world, blast my music to ear splitting volumes and let go. Let go of all my troubles, all of my worries, all of my hassle. Feel care free and happy if only for a little while. Be myself. Not give a damn what I look like or how I dance or how awful my singing was. It was a harmless outlet.

Music was my drug and it kept me living. 

Eventually the song ended and giglling to myself I tidied my hair back into a ponytail and boiled the kettle. Tip toeing around softly singing Evanescence to myself to keep my buzz going I organised a sandwhich and coffee and sat down at my desk to check my emails.

Sipping my coffee with one hand and trying to type with the other I scrolled through my emails. "Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam" I though shifting thorugh the masses of unwanted Amazon and Facebook notifications. Nothing back from the sleep specialist's clinic for my insomina related appointment.

Sighing I looked at the clock. 20:18 it read. "It's going to be a long night" I whispered to myself.

Just then I remembered the letter from earlier on I got up to retrieve it. Sitting slowly back down in my chair I opened it carefully, I pulled out a letter that read;

"Dear, Jade.

I have been notified that you are being referred to me by your current psychiatrist Dr.Lee as she feels your condition would be best handled by someone more suited. I am looking forward to meeting you on the scheduled appointment but I have one request. Dr.Lee informed me that you sometimes have trouble speaking how you feel or your thoughts to others so I was hoping that in order to get a better understanding of your position you would write a letter explaining how your condition feels to you. I look forward to working with you. 

Until next time.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Jan C Garavaglia."

"Condition", "working". What was this, a job interview?!

I have to write a letter explaining my depression.
A letter.

"I need another cup of coffee..." 

Author's Note

Reviews would be greatly appreciated as I am very open to suggestions on how to improve!

Reviews

[Tierra Starr]

This is amazing. Though I have never been to a psychiatrist for depression, i can relate. I always hid my depression too good for anyone to even attempt to help me. I went to a therapist when I was in high school though for me and my dad's relationship issues. Even she wasn't able to see my sadness. I remember hating going there because it was always so boring. The walls were plain and the therapist talked to me as if we were in an interview for life. I didn't want to trust someone who got paid by the hour to talk to me. I was so mad that she was taking my dad's money when there was nothing to be fixed. Reality is incredibly unwelcoming...especially when you feel like you are the only one suffering.

[Rachelle]

Thank you ever so much for sharing this with me. I myself personally have never set foot in a therapist's office in my life(Although often argued I should have :P) So I got the point of view from a single scene at the opening of an episode of Sherlock and tried to work from there. I am so happy for your confirmation that my shot in the dark was able to portray it realistically. Isolation is the hardest strike of them all, but no one is ever alone in their suffering. Thank you so much for the feedback and I am delighted you were able to relate to my story so far.

[Tierra Starr]

Well, considering you have never set foot in a therapist's office, you did an amazing job of explaining one :) I don't know if they would necessarily send you away if they couldn't talk to you that quickly, but you did an amazing job :) i hope this story continues!

[Rachelle]

Thank you very much!:) Yeah they can't you'll find out in a couple of chapters but basically the first therapist wasn't an appropriate therapist:) So do I Haha, thank you very much:)

[Sami Khalil]

Is there hope in your life?

Do you feel purpose?"
I like those questions...:)

[relinashinee]

I like it... I like the way you portray the main girl and then the other girl more vilnerable than her and how she would like to help her, yet, she herself is not fixed. I really like this story, hope you will finish it :)

[Rachelle]

Story of a broken persons life, even depression can't kill compassion. I'm very glad you like it! Will do:)

[char]

This is awesome. I've been interested in psychology for some time (won't want it as a career though) and this is fascinating. Please continue! :)

[Rachelle]

It is very interesting, I hope to pursue it as a career. Awh I am so glad you enjoy it! I will for sure:)

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Vibrant Story, keep writing.

[Rachelle]

Thank you very much! I will continue soon:)