Relieved Childhood

                      RELIEVED CHILDHOOD

Creaking sound of the swing never really bothered me. Nothing gave me much pleasure than to and fro movement of the swing, whenever it carried me up, I felt so high and when it carried me down, I felt very happy as my hair tickled my face. I was afraid of falling down so, I held the chain very tight and couldn’t place my hair back.

I stretched my legs and bent my knees, as I wanted to move the swing more high. I wanted to feel higher. I could feel butterflies in my stomach and my smile came easily on my face.

I was alone, not really alone my shadow was there too, swinging along with me, enjoying in the park where smell of the soil made me relieved. I was very happy, I lived those moments felt like I don’t have a past, no future to worry, I had present which I relished.

But still some memories bothered me.

“Rebecca, are you insane?” shouted my mother.

“What on earth made you throw crockery? Gifted by my mother at my wedding.”

I stood there silently, holding my head and eyes closed. Mother held my shoulders, shook me and said “Rebecca answer me.”

“I…I lost my temper” I said and moved back.

“You lost your temper? I lost my crockery, my mother gifted me Rebecca” she exclaimed.

 She was in tears. I couldn’t hold this any longer I moved back and went in my room. Pieces of the broken crockery pricked my feet. The pain I could feel for my feet was nothing compared to the pain I felt within myself. I was amazed thinking how once I felt about throwing things in an angry mood. I used to say that anger is temporary but the damage done in anger by throwing or saying things would remain forever.

I felt surprised as to what I did today. But what else I could do, silence in me really bothered me. I still couldn’t believe how Fred could leave me after spending complete three years. I couldn’t forget his words, what all he said me it pricked my heart like spears. While I was in the kitchen, suddenly those words echoed later I realised that those were memories running in my mind and so I lost my temper which made me ruin my mother’s crockery. Yeah! Yeah! Which her mother gifted her.

Instead, my mother asking me calmly, why did I do that? She was really much bothered about the crockery.

All I did that night was cried to my heart’s content, but still his name could bring tears in my eyes.

Sometimes it’s not the memories that hurt you, but sometimes it’s the unexpected that hurts us. How so much trust was broken in pieces, How the thing which once we called love could be so unfair.

I thought maybe my trust was meant to be broken, maybe my love was meant to be till myself or maybe we were meant to be separated. All I could think was just maybes.

Every time I tried to study, or to do anything, I could recollect some memory or the other with Fred. How he easily thought me those really tough sums. Every time I made him repeat twice because my half attention would be on him how he’d solve the sums for me, how his fingers moved while trying to explain me. How he would ask me “Did you understand?” for every two minutes.

Even while I dressed up for something, I remember how once he said me that I was looking beautiful.

I felt so weak now. Feeling like I lost my world. Felt so hopeless thinking what I would do without him. I figured my every moment with him, even in my little daily tasks. But now, it was all gone just like in a blink. Sometimes we don’t remember the time and dates but we remember moments. I remember how once someone asked me

“Do you love him? Why?”

I was sure, I didn’t give her the answer what she wanted to hear and I said, “I may not give you proper explanation but my conclusion will be thus, I love him.”

Someone had truly said, with a broken heart one can do only one good thing i.e. they can write good poetry. Such was my situation, I didn’t know when my thoughts turned into words that too such thoughtful, meaningful words. I also realised this much later after I wrote two poems about us.

     With a broken heart and painful me,

     I don’t know what to do.

    Every bit in me, is scattered and I’m…

    I’m thinking how could you?

    With no mistake of mine,

    You’re making me regret.

    And how could you try to forget me?

    You were the only, only one for me.

    And I’m here thinking

    I was made and scattered by you,

    I was risen and fallen only by you.

 

   When I am happy,

    Everyone see me, that I am happy.

    For some reason,

    Whenever I cry,

    There are only my tears and me.

    No one sees my pain, my sorrow,

    Always I hope it will end and life will gift me a tomorrow.

    No one see me when I cry,

   Cause maybe I don’t cry aloud,

   I cannot forget how hard I may try,

   Those memories revolve and kill me from inside.

   I laugh aloud,

   Yes, coz the pain I feel, may heal.

   Everyone see that I always laugh,

   What do they know?

    I also breakdown in tears.

    I am also a human,

    But maybe with a cold heart.

      I never thought, I could write so well. I didn’t know, I hide the secrets I couldn’t tell. I was confused and my mind was preoccupied with the unexpected, bitter memories of my beloved Fred. I didn’t know whether I should hate the person I love. I lost my interest in everything, except recollecting some good memories spent with him.

For a particular time I was alone, no one was around bothered to know as to what had happened to me. My mother, friends were all busy in their lives. But for me, I felt my life took a pause.

I was sitting near the window pane, looking at the strangers who were busy in their lives. Some were rushing to get early for their office, some walked casually like they have no place to go. I felt jealous of the persons who purchased flowers. I wondered to whom they might give to. I felt very bad when they purchased flowers because I felt they were being happy by seeing my life. But what do they know about me? They were just strangers and I realised that every person’s happiness was bothering me just coz I wasn’t happy. I felt mean of myself, I wasn’t like this. I didn’t know what made me change so much. I tried a lot not to think about him but everything I did, I missed him. Even while seeing out of the window, my mind again revolved around him. I had no control over my constant pain of missing him.

 Every drop of rain reminded me of him, I thought about the day when we were together enjoying in the shower of clouds and sky with the essence of mud loved by both of us. But for now, I was alone sobbing in the rain, missing him badly. One advantage I felt to cry in rain was no one could know that I was crying.

After the heavy downpour of rain, I was alone walking on the grass which had drops of rain, when I walked on it I could feel my feet were being refreshed. I thought to speak with Fred for once just to know the reason as to why I lost him. But I didn’t have the courage to do so. I couldn’t face him. His memories made me cry, I cannot think of meeting him as I wasn’t sure how I would be after it.

That night I was in the place where we once sat together. On that day I was very happy as I felt I had no reason to be sad. I felt I wanted nothing else apart from him. I might be sad for various reasons, but I found my happiness only in him. But today, I was alone looking at the street. I have never thought he would leave me and I have to live without him. Life was the same for everyone who passed before me on the street but when it comes to me my life was upside down. I sat still, my mind was revolving around those memories I didn’t know when those tears flowed silently below my cheeks. The cold breeze didn’t bother me as I felt nothing except loneliness. That night I also wrote a poem which revealed the pain I felt.

This is one of the crazy things I ever knew,

I just know that I loved you,

Sometimes I am messed and I miss you,

Now it’s too late to tell you.

And now, I just regret it now to be here with you,

But I wish those dreams come true,

I’ve regretted it and learnt from it,

Now it’s late and time's new...

To be good for a thing to be changed for you,

You're my dream.

Leads me to several things I never did,

And I found myself I was never like this.

And I go hither where we first met,

And hitherto you and I aren't the same,

It's all my blame that I let you go,

And I repeat the same,

Hitherto you aren't the same.

Tears roll down my cheeks,

And hitherto I didn't cry like this,

All the pain, tears I cried for you is mine,

Only one thing that is not mine is you,

Hitherto, I love you.

    This poem unveiled the pain more clearly than my words could say, I thought. Next day, I realised I slept on my desk, pen dropped from my hand I didn’t know when. I didn’t even realise that I was sleepy my eyes just closed, I wished it never opened.

 My heart was filled with hatred and vengeance now. I felt miserable whenever I heard any sad song. Those lyrics described my life perfectly I didn’t even realise when those tears flowed down from my eyes till my cheeks. I wanted someone with whom I can share my feelings. I felt like making Fred jealous by being friend with someone. But my heart didn’t approve this for me. I couldn’t….I wouldn’t. I cannot love anyone else except him I thought. My heart whispered ‘Move on’ and I asked ‘How?’

As usual, the stars lit up the sky and I stood near the window pane looking at them wishing I had someone to share my feelings with. It was a pretty sight to look at the star lit sky.

Next morning, after many days I went to college my friends knew about Fred and me. So, they did not pretend and didn’t ask me any questions. It is good then I thought but instead they started to give me tips and taught me life lessons saying that everything in life happens for a reason just find it. Cherish the days, moments spent with Fred take it as a blessing, they explained me.

“Hmm...”  Was the only thing I said keeping my eyes fixed at the grass, mind preoccupied don’t know in which memories.

It was a pretty good day as my friends didn’t attend any classes and explained me all those philosophies they learnt in their classes. It was pretty good day just because I finally made those book worms bunk their classes. Good for them, I thought, and I bid goodbye and hugged my friends and said thank you for their precious time. I was walking down the street looking at the boutiques, jewellery shops, I took a left turn from the florist shop and now I could see my house from a little distance.

“Rebecca” I heard someone calling me for a second I forgot my own name as I heard it after a long time.

“Rebecca” I heard the voice again, this time the voice came from right behind me and I recognised it.

I felt a jerky sensation in myself, all of sudden I felt cold…it was Fred.

I turned around, I saw him after a month with my swollen red eyes. I couldn’t believe he was right in front of me. The way he called me, said my name I felt he was happy but after looking at me he only said,

“Sorry, if I ever hurt you”

I felt everything was paused around me. I felt my heartbeat. I thought ‘Yes, you hurt me’ but heavy heartedly I said, “It’s okay.”

For a minute we looked at each other, I noticed his eyes I saw the guilt in his eyes and pain in his sorry. I noticed his hair messy as always I felt I was the only one who suffered, who was hurt but after looking deeply in his dark brown eyes I realised he spent even more darker days than me.

Suddenly, I felt I was back to my senses so I turned around and went. I didn’t even turn back. In that one minute I wanted him to take me in his arms and hold me tight and never let me go.

My imagination will remain till myself, I thought and I observed that my mother was looking at me, then I came to know that she also saw us together. I didn’t know how to face her I thought she will ask hundreds of questions and I was prepared with the answers. I entered my house and there she was it was all like I imagined.

“Are you together again?” she asked. She was quite happy.

“No, he apologised” I said pouring a glass of water.

“Oh! Dear” she said and sat next to me.

“At least he realised and apologised Rebecca” she said. I simply shook my head.

“If there was any other boy, he would have never said anything and would have probably been with another girl but you see. He isn’t” she said.

“Yes” I said taking a sip of water.

After a long time I felt my mother’s concern and surely I didn’t imagine all this which was coming.

“Rebecca, listen to me carefully, all this was meant to be, it happened as it was written in your destiny. Everything in life happens for a reason, find it. Life teaches you lessons. Do anything you feel like doing…anything” she said and placed her hand on my cheek and went.

I didn’t understand what she meant by saying ‘anything’.

I went in my room and lay down thinking all the things. My eyes were fixed at a place and my mind revolved at the memories. I didn’t know that this day would bring me many surprises. I thought what mom said-

“At least he is not with another girl” and I felt a bit satisfied.

When I woke up, it was four in the evening and I sat on my bed rubbing my eyes and then mother came in with a cup in her hand.

She sat next to me, I noticed that there was nothing in the cup, it was empty, I wondered as to why she bought an empty cup.

“This was the only piece left from the crockery which my mother gifted me at my wedding, break it…” she said.

“What?” I exclaimed.

I was shocked and thought what made her crazy.

“Yes, break it come on, I told you to do anything you like doing so I guess you like it” she said.

“No, I don’t” I said hesitating.

She took my hand and placed the cup on my hand and started to count one…two…three she shook my hand and there goes the last piece of cup, which was now in pieces.

She stared laughing and I was left puzzled as I didn’t understand anything.

“What! Are you not satisfied with a cup? Do you want another set of crockery in pieces...?” she asked.

Now this made me laugh. I realised I was laughing after a long time.

“Do anything you feel like doing, but please overcome it.” She said again and picked the broken pieces of the cup and went away.

I sat on my couch clicking the buttons of my remote watching T.V, there was nothing interesting on it which could capture my attention so with every second I clicked and clicked the buttons of the remote.

“Dinner’s ready” mother said.

So, I hurried in my room, washed my hands and face and noticed myself in the mirror. Of my age, I looked older, I said myself and went at the table where my parents waited for me. For a second, I felt like a princess when they noticed that I was coming. I didn’t give them a look now and sat on the chair which was permanently my place and noticed that there was only my favourite dishes on the table. It was silence, only the noise of clashing of spoons with plate was heard. Then my mom said something.

“Remember, when you were little you used to wet your dress while washing your hands and face before dinner.”

“Really?” I asked in a surprise.

“Yes, you used to…” my dad replied.

“And I cannot forget the day when you thought that the tiny colourful balls which increases in size in water is fish food and you poured all of it in the aquarium” my dad said laughing.

I was amazed by hearing about my foolishness.

“Really, I was so…so dumb.” I said.

“No, dear you were young and innocent” mother said.

I now felt that there was a difference in dumb and innocence. If I did anything dumb in my childhood it was innocence and now when I do something dumb it’s really dumb and foolish. It was good being a child I thought and smiled at my own stupidity. I felt someone was disturbing me and my thoughts, it was my mom she asked me something which even I didn’t know the answer.

“Rebecca, do you love Fred now after forgiving him?”

“Tell us Rebecca, I will go and talk with him he is kind towards me, I will try to explain him” my father said.

I was astonished when I saw concern from them towards me. I was silent, I didn’t know the answer. This was the question I did not ask myself yet. I thought for a minute and the words I said just came from within my heart.

“I loved him yesterday, I cannot still…past was destined...present, I will…”

I understood what I said, but I didn’t know that it was not easy for them to understand it. I just said what came in my mind. My heart explained those words to my mind and I said what I felt.

“Tell us clearly, Rebecca” mom said.

“I…I mean that” I was hesitated and don’t know why. I didn’t know how to explain this to them and then I continued.

“I mean that I loved him yesterday, I cannot love him still because he is away, he was with me because only that part of him in my past it was destined, present is now in my hands so present I will destine.” I said pausing.

I felt that I kind of explained them clearly hoping that they understand what I said. Then my doubts were cleared when my dad appreciated what I said.

“Very good Rebecca, you said many things, you explained a lot in just a line. You combined a life’s lesson in it.”

I realised whenever I said words that were not easy for everyone to understand, it was my heart speaking. I felt better now, after a good sleep and dinner, stories of my foolish childhood and with a little appreciation from my dad I was a bit happy.

I went in my room and lay on my bed thinking that this was the day I never imagined and I thought more about my childhood testing myself what all I remembered. Nothing came in my mind that time and thought maybe because I was tired I couldn’t recall anything so I slept.

As usual, the sun rose, I didn’t  feel anything new, I took my coffee my mother made it ready before I came down in the kitchen. I found her in her bedroom with a book. I know that she doesn’t read books usually so, I went closer and realised it was a photo album.

“Rebecca” she exclaimed with joy and I felt like I was caught.

“Come in and join me” she said.

“In doing what?” I asked.

“Reminiscing the good times” she replied.

She showed me all my snapshots while I sipped my coffee. She started narrating the incidents which made her capture pictures.

 She kept telling me “The thing which seems foolish also capture it as you will laugh tomorrow by reminiscing it, you will laugh at your own stupidity. It becomes a mere memory.”

Now I can see how those memories made her laugh today. It’s all about time I thought which changes the sufferings.

There might be times when you would cry and scream when you are afraid and later if you come to know that it was a prank you tend to laugh why? Because of the stupidity. You might not laugh at that particular time but after a time. Again I ask you why? Because there was a time when you were afraid, even when others were laughing you were still scared but after a time you start laughing at those things because that thing doesn’t make you afraid anymore.

I was amazed at myself. I didn’t realise why and how I started telling all these philosophies. She also narrated an incident where I was on a swing in the park. She described how beautifully I laughed and enjoyed during it. The way she said and started laughing made me curious wishing that I could see those times again.

 It is impossible I thought and went in my room. I collected my things my iPod, my notebook in which I started writing poetry these days, my pen, my glitters and stickers and kept them in my bag and thought I should go somewhere so I dressed up. I wore a long sleeved black top on jeans. My hair were messy so I let them open. I got down and wore flats and my mom saw that I was going so she handed me some old stuff and asked me to give it to the kindergarten school where her friend worked. This school was near my house and on the way I peeped inside the big cover she handed me. There were some toys, a stuffed one and some wooden blocks. Then I realised that my mother donates something to the school for every two to three months. I went to school where my mother’s friend- Ivana was inside the classroom. I waited for her inside the office. In about five minutes she came and said me thank you and said to say a thanking word to my mom also.

Ivana is a close friend of my mom, I always liked her company. She said me that I looked staid and I lied to her saying that I couldn’t sleep properly these days.

She went back in her class and asked me also to come with her so, I went along with her. There was a big hall which was her classroom there were approximately twenty kids playing with different things. Some playing together with blocks, some were playing alone with the colourful rings. Then suddenly, my childhood memories came in my mind how I also loved playing with the colourful rings, arranging them in order and then rearranging them and then arranging it. I never felt bored doing it. I thought the kids were lucky they had nothing to lose, nothing to feel hurt and be tensed for. I realised broken toys were easy to fix rather than broken hearts….They were something different for me, they inspired me now, they were something which captured my attention entirely. The smiles of the children brought a smile on my face. Their innocence touched my heart. Their laughter made me laugh and feel solaced.

Then I realised the best part in one’s life is their childhood. When we be kids we want to grow up, we don’t realise the importance of being a child and when we grow up we want to be a child again which is impossible.

I was amazed as to how kids captured my attention and made me happy. I became very fascinated by them. I noticed a lot about them that day, how their happiness lay in another person’s happiness.

I saw a kid who was very happy with a chocolate in her hand as soon as her mother arrived she gave it to her and clapped her hands with joy.

I realised, they are so self-less. Sometimes we elders may not find a solution to the problem and in despair when we share it with them they suggest a simple remedy which we realise that why couldn’t we think of it.

In every way, children are different some inspire us, some tests our patience. But I was with the ones who inspired me. They changed the way I looked at my life now. When a child starts behaving like a grown-up we usually don’t like it and my heart said me to be a child again.

Sometimes, the world misunderstands us when we are sad, people think that we are boring and when we don’t smile they think that we have no feelings and mistaken us to be cold. That was the mistake my mother, friends did. But when they came to know about the reason they left me alone still, because I should come up with my own realisations. They left me alone because I should become independent enough to console myself. Which I believe I succeeded in it today.

With so many realisations and inspiration from children I was happy. My mind and heart was pounding in joy. I was happy again, finally, I moved on…maybe not, I still couldn’t forget Fred, but I was satisfied and happy. I was so excited, I wanted to write all about my experiences and about the things which inspired me to find true happiness.

It lies in other person’s smile, to do something for others, it lied in living for others. I realised that one should seek happiness in permanent things rather than letting their happiness perish with temporary things. On the other hand, there is nothing permanent in this world neither things nor us, except our good deeds, done for others.

Suddenly, I was so energised and said good bye and thank you to Ivana and hugged her. I ran the way across the class room and was out of the school now. My thoughts were spontaneously running in my mind. I felt like screaming in joy ‘Do something the world will remember and thank you for’ my thoughts told me and doing something for others will definitely make you happy I thought I was amazed at my own philosophy.

I wanted to narrate all my experiences and say everyone to overcome their sadness and find their happiness in other’s smile. Life is very nice if you know how to live it, life is too short to mourn and regret. It is an inspiring thought I said myself.

 I went to my home and asked my mom to give me the picture in which I was on the swing. She asked me why, but I asked her to get it first.

She came puzzled with the picture in her hand and I grabbed it and said her that Ivana told thank you to her.

I opened the door and went out, and she shouted.

“Rebecca, what are you doing? Where are you going?”

I heard what she asked and thought it wouldn’t be good to ignore her so I went back to her and said

“I am going to do something, I love doing” I said with my brightest smile.

“Go for it…” she said and smiled back.

I observed the picture keenly, I was dressed in a floral frock. So, I went to boutique and purchased a similar frock and felt proud wearing it. It was a casual frock with a tiny red floral print on a light brown background. I went to the park, the same park where the picture was taken. I met kids again playing in the sand and their parents were looking after them. I saw a vacant swing and ran to it.

My life which took a pause, now hurried in such a way that it took me to a place where I should have belonged. Everyone looked at me, but I didn’t feel ashamed. I was happy, I felt like a child and also started behaving like one. I re lived my childhood that day.

Creaking sound of the swing never really bothered me. Nothing gave me much pleasure than to and fro movement of the swing, whenever it carried me up I felt so high and when it started to carry me down I felt very happy as my hair tickled my face. I was afraid of falling down so I held the chain very tight and couldn’t place my hair back.

I stretched my legs and bent my knees as I wanted to move the swing more high. I wanted to feel higher. I could feel butterflies in my stomach and my smile came easily on my face.

I was alone, not really alone my shadow was there too…but now it wasn’t as it was getting dark. I was so deeply lost in thoughts and it was time for me to go home.

Happiness is something to be soughed in yourself as it starts with you and spreads when you share. I finally realised and learnt a lot from my life. I wanted to inspire many just to make a major difference in their life. Just to make them live their life a little brighter.

Everything in life happens for a reason, if he wouldn’t hurt me, maybe I couldn’t inspire myself. I finally understood now the philosophies of my friends and my mom and thus today, I am with my own philosophy.

I feel complete today, even after losing Fred. It takes time to realise and overcome it, but it teaches you something makes you realise something.

It comes a day when you reminisce your past and may even cry but you start to accept and live along with that pain and one day the pain doesn’t hurt you anymore. I have learnt to wipe away my sadness along with my tears.

And then comes the day, when you don’t cry and mourn on your past and instead you smile because it taught you and made you the person you are today, and you will feel proud to be. Trust me.

You might think that I have wasted my time, days, weeks, months and maybe years crying and being sad, trying to feel satisfied. But just close your eyes and think how many years you have wasted being sad, uncontended and depressed. I have realised…but have you…?

Now open your eyes and face it, accept it, understand it, feel it, realise it and then get rid of it.

Reviews

[SRMarx]

Wow. Very emotional, descriptive. You are articulate and on such beautiful topics. Thank you for sharing.

[Najam Us Saher]

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this story and for reviewing, it really means a lot to me. Thank you so much.

[Sikandar Khan]

I Reallly Cant Say Nothing.....Beautiful Words As Usual....Good Writing......Better Expression.....Feelings Expressed...Good Romance......Also Honestly Tooo Much Long......I Read Only Half..........

[Najam Us Saher]

Thank you....I hope you will take some time and read it completely I am sure you will like it because it has a strong message.

[Valentine]

Love can be pain wrought with sorry, no live on earth will be perfect. We all face love and loss, hurt and disappointment. All this is just called living day to day. Valentine

[Najam Us Saher]

Yes you are right....Thank you for reading and reviewing :)