Chapter 1: Beautiful Dreamer, Wake Unto Me

When sleep is all you want, why is it the last thing you can get?

 

It was such a frigid, eternal cold: One that chilled to the marrow of her bones and remained long after each caress touched her skin. It was as bleak a sensation as the sight of this arctic place. All was blackness, an eternal well of nothing outside the halo of light she found herself kneeling in. The only color was red, her own blood seeping from every pore to stain the purity of the soft, powdery white. Yet from that one cursed act she could not prevent, she found herself in such a lightless place of self-loathing she cried tears of blood and hid her face, as pale and smooth as a snow drift itself.

            “Everything I know… all I touch… I ruin… all…” the wraith-like girl did not see the scarlet blooms flowering from the frigid ground around her twisting sanity.

            “Just because you changed it, doesn’t mean it’s ruined per se.” The warm voice reached out from the pitch abyss enclosing her.

            “How can that be? It was perfect, unmarred… I blemished it. By just being here I…” The child trailed off as a shadowed figure knelt beside her to pull her hands away.

            “It had no real beauty. It was a blank canvas, lifeless. You brought vitality to this little place you knew. Just by being, you bring life to you. See?”

            The vines entwined and parted, creating a latticework of greenery, the fiery blossoms small ovens that melted away the snow and brushed the cold flesh on the girl’s bones. They seemed to glow with some unknown brilliance outshining even the white light around them.

            “This,” a black arm gestured to the lighted ring, “is all you know, such a small, mocking place. You bring a truth to it that even you have yet to see for yourself. This life, and all outside this prison, is a secret denied to those who live here in the light of false glory. A secret your blood tries to reveal to save that feigned righteousness. In their arrogance and ignorance you end feeling you have ruined when you have only left impression.”

            “Liar.” She muttered, though stared at the vivid garden she had made. “How am I supposed to share a secret I don’t know?”

            He laughed, a warm, almost mocking thing, like the pealing of a long-anticipated bell. “You know it well, girl: Fear, passion, pride, strength, courage, will… It’s all in your blood; you’ve known it all along. You just have to remember this is not your home.”

            “It’s the only home I know…” the child replied shyly.

            “Come then, I’ll show you. You just leave… with all your heart and soul leave. You know how to get there once you let go.”

            The flowers rustled their goodbyes as the figure stepped out of the circle, with so little effort that the girl felt a longing envy rise in her throat.

            Well, aren’t you coming? His voice teased in her head. Vague ideas of words with no misunderstanding traced along her thoughts, as if she were thinking to herself. It made it impossible to toy phrasing into even half-truths.

            “How can I?” she asked the black wall before her.

            The same sensation filled her head as when he had first laughed, and she almost felt the sound against her ears. Here, just take a step. A hand emerged and pulled her to her feet. It’s not near as absolute as it seems.

            She allowed her hand to be guided to the edge of the blackness, yet paused as it began to swallow her fingertips. The cool hand slipped away. The girl felt a light twang of frustration and good-humored patience from her friend. He was waiting for her to make up her own mind.

            “How do I know this isn’t going to turn out badly?”

            You don’t, but when has that ever stopped you?

            The girl watched as her hand slowly was devoured in darkness, a cool breeze touching her skin before strangely warm fingers took hold of her own. With one last glance at the small world she knew, now in the soft glow of the fiery flowers, she wondered if it would become bare again as soon as she left.

            It’s takes a long time for a vivid impression to be forgotten.

            Without another thought she plunged through, stumbling and only catching a glimpse of a full moon, flowers lined in silver and black and gold, cream white marble paths, and keen green eyes.

            “No,” she heard him breath as she fell into, then through him. Though frustration, not despair, grasped her thoughts as she fell awake, desolation took hold as reality came back into place…

›››

            “Gah,” Andrea muttered, stumbling out of the tangled blankets, feeling the sincerity of the lost apology. “These midnight wakeup calls are not going to work.”

            The clock ticked off another minute to read three thirteen as her phone buzzed against the nightstand.

            “Close enough for me at least,” she sniffed, sitting down on her bed. “I still have school in five hours.”

            Sorry.

            It never really occurred to her to wonder why the companion from her dreams remained during the day, with no particular pattern to its appearance. “No need to be. I’ll just sleep through first period.”

            The caller ID flashed “Mathew Dalling” and continued to buzz, she ignored it.

            Better yet, just throw your phone… The voice wasn’t fond of the company Andrea called friends.

            “Oh, it’s not that bad, he’ll give up I hope…” After a brief pause the phone triggered again with the bone-jarring buzz. “Damn it! What do you want?”

            You were saying?

            With a professional flick of the wrist the phone flipped open, and the vibrating stopped. “There had better be a good reason for this, Matt.”

            “Nice to hear from you too. You were supposed to call today.”

            “I don’t remember a timetable for when I’m supposed to call people I don’t want to talk to. You are well aware it is three in the morning?” She knew she was being snappy, but it was the middle of the night, and Mathew Dalling wasn’t high on her favorites list to begin with.

            “It is? I didn’t know.” Andrea could almost see him shrug it off, “You know I don’t pay attention to time, gee. You agreed you’d call today… or yesterday according to you.”

            “According to the world, and the clock, yesterday, Matt.” She could feel her eye begin to twitch, a migraine was coming. Was this guy so wrapped up in himself he couldn’t remember she hated to be called ‘gee’ or that he might be waking her up in the middle of the night because she had forgotten to give him her undivided attention for the day? “And if this is a social call, I’m hanging up right now.”

            “Not really. I was wondering what the homework for Chemistry was.”

            Andrea restrained herself from throwing the phone across the room or yelling profanities into the mouthpiece. “Page one twenty-five, problems one through fifteen.”

            “Hey cool, thanks, gee.”

            There was a long pause before Andrea spoke again, “This is the part where you say: ‘Goodnight Andy, sorry for bothering you, see you tomorrow.’ And I get back to bed.”

            “Well… I was wondering…” Oh no… it’s never what he says at first, never!  Andrea thought, sighing inwardly as he continued. “Can I come over?”

            “Matt.”

            “Andy.”

            ”Matt.”

            “Andy.”

            “Matt! It is three in the morning! You are not coming over. School starts in a grand total of five hours and I want to get back to bed.” Why did she always feel she was talking to a very stubborn and needy child when he talked to her?

            “Well, okay then. No need to get mad about it.” Such a professionally hurt-sounding voice he had the second he was miffed. A vivid spasm surged through the vein by her eye: Annoying.

            “Matt…” she sighed, “you call in the middle of the night, wake me up, I’m irritated to begin with, and then you ask if I can entertain you at the drop of a hat. What did you think I was going to say?”

            “I was hoping for a yes so I can come over and cheer you up.”

            You’ve got to be kidding… the voice groaned. Andrea found she couldn’t exactly argue a case for her friend. “Look, you have homework to do, and I have sleep to catch. Besides that I don’t think either of our parents would appreciate it much. Can’t you just talk to me at school?”

            There was a little pause, then, “But I need help on my homework. Andy, you won’t even help me with my homework? You know I’m already failing my classes and it’s all due tomorrow.”

            Give me a break!

            “It’s called after-school club. You go to the library after school and your teachers will probably make a deal with you on the missed work, it’s only the second week.”

            “But I have too much to do after school. Please Andy?”

            God, that infuriating begging! “Goodnight Matt, talk to you later. I’m sure you’ll do fine on your work without me.”

            “Andrea, I thought you-“ The click of a button cut off his words, another cut off the power to the phone. She was glad she hadn’t heard the rest; that would have torn it.

            I thought you… were my friend, liked me, cared about me, were nice, weren’t such a selfish person… he could have gone on for ever on that. Not to mention the fact we both know what he’s ‘busy’ with after school…

            “I know.” She was so tired, but she also knew she was too aggravated to sleep now. “Good lord I know.”

            The call had only lasted ten minutes, but that was enough to leave her in her highly strung nervous state, stomach churning, head throbbing, and that lump in her throat that refused to go away. For some reason Mathew Dalling, of all people, knew how to send her on a guilt trip around the world and then some after pressing every button and fraying every nerve she had; and yet at the same time in spite of it, she still grudgingly acknowledged his friendship along with everything else. Really, they were no different than her family. She was lucky to have any friends at all.

            She came close to reaching for her cell phone and calling him back when the house phone began to ring. “What the hell?”

            She raced up the stairs and saw the number flashing on the caller ID in the living room, 555-5229. “Damn it!” In one swoop she picked up the phone. “How many times do I have to tell you it’s the middle of the night!?!”

            “You weren’t answering your phone.”

            “So what, if you call my house and my parents answer you won’t get the receiver slammed in your ear?”

            “No… you’d have to answer before they did or you’d be in trouble, if not, then they would hand the phone to you anyway.”

            The next thing he heard was the dial tone. On the other end of the line, Andrea patiently tapped the talk button so it wouldn’t ring the rest of the night. “Curse him…”

            She stretched and slumped into a chair. “You’re running on empty kid, and you know it.” The dark patches draped beneath her eyes and oddly narrow-looking face reflected the sentiment, though she didn’t know it. Not a single mirror in the DeLance household was graced with her reflection long enough for her to see, even though her image weighed heavy on her mind.

            She needed food, but she didn’t move from the chair. One of her resolves was stronger than the other, and yet another voice slipped in from the subconscious, cutting off her dearest friend’s words.

            How can you think of food now? You have bigger things to worry about.

            “I can’t think now anyway.” Andrea murmured.

            You can at least control that, if nothing else of your hideous existence.

            The girl said nothing, but reached up and felt the rough skin on her shoulders and neck and arms from burns at work, fingers rising further to the seemingly vivid acne against pale flesh, through dull and frizzed hair, until her arms crossed before her in a lonely embrace. “Shut… up…”

            Why? If you know it’s true. Why else do you think your friends only turn to you as a last resort? They’re ashamed to be near you. Poor, grotesque thing…

            “I said shut up!” Andrea snapped aloud, grasping the sides of her head, wishing to force the tormenting voice out, just away, anywhere but there, gone.

            Numb and cold she absently placed the receiver back in its cradle. Andrea didn’t even take her hand from it before it rang.

            “Hello?”

            “Andy, what’s up with you? I’ve been trying to call you again for the past fifteen minutes.” Matt again.

            “I’m sorry…” No, not now!! She cursed herself as a lump choked away her words. “I didn’t mean to… I’m just tired… Matt, I just want to go to sleep right now. I’m not feeling very well.”

            “Hey… are you alright Andy?” Something in her voice must have given her away, he sounded worried.

            “I’m fine, I just need to rest. It’s so much easier if I rest. I don’t have to worry when I’m asleep.” Andrea never cried very often or very loud, but a small whimper escaped her despite all efforts, and the tears began sting her lids. “I’ll help you tomorrow if you still need me. I’ll talk to you at school, okay?”

            “Okay…” he sounded doubtful, but it was never Matt’s way to put effort into solving something he would much rather avoid. He simply didn’t like when people became upset was all, at least that’s what Andrea told herself.

            “Goodnight Matt.”

            “Goodnight.” As the dead line buzzed in the earpiece Andrea slid down the wall and let it fall to the floor beside her. “Come on, you have to get in control of yourself. Who cares? It doesn’t matter…”

            That’s right, because no matter what you’ll be ugly, inside and out…

            The wicked voice had nothing more to add, it had gotten its way once again and was content to lurk in the back of her mind until it saw fit to torment her again. Next time she’d slip something during school, while there was no time to think about it. She had to keep it under control somehow.

            Andreana… The gentle companion whispered, Andreana…

            “I know. I can hardly take care of myself, how can I look after everyone else?” She sniffed, she didn’t dare say more, even to herself.

            No… You’re far too kind and it twists you. Care more about yourself for once… It happened because you told off Matt, isn’t it?

            A moment passed before Andrea nodded her agreement.

            There is nothing wrong with that. You don’t need to be punished every time you take a stand.

            “Thanks,” The girl managed before pulling herself back to bed and curling into a ball under the covers. “It still doesn’t mean the other voice isn’t right.”

            There was a long, sad silence then. Andrea lay there and simply waited, for the time to pass until her alarm sounded, for someone to come see if she was alright, for the world to end if that’s what it took. Neither voice spoke a word, one out of smug satisfaction and the other from worry.

            Andrea… They chorused.

            “Shut up.” She choked, “Just shut it both of you.”

            If she had been capable of crying, her own sobs would have sent her to sleep. However she could only feel merciless helplessness wash over her as she searched for pictures in the textured plaster walls. The voice of the school councilor surfaced, his arrogant tones while addressing the student body at the class meeting ringing in her brain. “I know many of you expect great things out of life, and you should. But all the same many of you have to build the skills needed in life.” His eyes had locked onto hers. “Simply because you have a reputation does not mean that it is guaranteed after high school. What is considered alright now may be considered anti-social in the future.”

            “You can shut it too for all I care.” The misery ebbed away, replaced by an indignant strike to her ego. She had loathed that man the instant she saw him, and was even further in loathing to prove any of his little ideas correct. “It’s rude to invite oneself over in the middle of the night, and it is quite fair to be rude in return if need be to get your own point across if such happens.”

            The walls soaked in the conviction of her tone, and while it wasn’t the same as having a friend nearby, it was comfort enough for her to lay down and finally slip back into some form of rest. It was only moments after her breathing shifted down to its lowest notch that the shadows of the room swelled and shifted.

            “Poor thing, this place wreaks havoc on her.” The sound of leaves slipping along the road in a crisp wind accompanied the sentiment, heralding the appearance of two forms out of the darkest reaches of the room.

“Yes, but what are we to do? If we are too hasty she will end up turning to those three that Farson sent.” slate eyes gave away the second man’s real frustration in a glare. His long, sharp nails tapped lightly on a chest of drawers.  

            “And if we wait too long they’ll have her first anyway.” The first replied in his mutant tones: a childlike lit that fit his small frame, though not its shocking appearance.

            “Don’t remind me.” Slate-eyes muttered weaving among the odds and ends scattered about.

            “What are we supposed to do Shade?” The childish one hissed quietly, slipping along behind.

            “Lend her a bit of a warning about the Mars.”

            The first form remained quiet, gliding to the foot of the girl’s bed.

            “That’s what Luce says?” the smaller one hissed.

            “It’s not very fair if she’s dragged into this without knowing, and with no options, nothing in her favor, we have to do something about that. But if we stir it all into her head at once there’s little chance it will turn out well.” Shade looked imploringly at his companion.

            The small one heaved a long sigh, like papers rustling, crouched low in the desk chair.

            “I would much rather the whole thing be less rushed, for her sake as well as ours, but time isn’t exactly on our side. Thrash, she’s falling apart at the seams like this.” Shade’s eyes bored into the other’s face.

            Another sigh escaped the Thrash’s thin lips and long fingers tousled feathery black hair, “No one’s going to like you for this, but I get the idea you don’t care.”

            “You know very well how difficult it is for the human born, especially when they have our attention, we knew it for ourselves once.” For a brief moment his eyes softened at the sleeping form of the child. “If it wasn’t important to you too, you would be trying to stop me now.”

            “We’re still wasting time not taking her now… Right, Shade?” Thrash’s concern rippled beneath his cold smile.

            Shade carefully watched the girl’s sleeping form. Time and again throughout the last year, he had seen the silent suffering she had endured. She was strong in will and open in mind, and Thrash was right, they had no time to spare for easing it on, not at the moment. “Let her know all of it, all that she could possibly take in from one set. There doesn’t need to be details, just general feeling, intuition. The rest will come later, hopefully”

            “You mean to tell me we’ll just pile everything into her head and pray we don’t make the empress go insane?” Thrash gaped.

            “You said she’s falling apart here. Trust me, she wants to leave as soon as we do. We’ll have to trust she can accept it and worry about the details later.”

            The only sound to break the silence was a sardonic scoff from Thrash. “Well then, no time to waste. Let’s wake this sleeping cell.”

            If one had happened by that child’s room as the time passed from the third to the fourth hour of the night, and paused just long enough, a soft murmuring would have reached their ears. However, no matter how much they would strain at the door, the words would sound indistinct to them. If they had tried the door, they would have found not even a sound escaped when they shook and twisted the knob. No, their visit, and their spell, was for the girl alone, who was herself quite alone in her little, barren, cold world where none but their sort could enter.

Author's Note

Needs revision, critique welcome!
~Slightly Revised, thanks again to Piper for bringing some errors to my attention!

Reviews

[Emil Straton]

Some explanation for Piper's commentary on a nitpick or two. A picture in "black and white" has no color in it, and because white is all color in light, and black is the absence of light, to me "red" is the only technical color present. Crying tears of blood is also a form of symbolism important later in the story, but symbolism is major in my work and because this is so early in the story I don't blame you for claiming it cliche.
I have always been taught that internal minds are in italics, or quote marks. I'll note to make Andrea's replies in quotation to establish a pattern, but I'm indecisive over that or the format used in David Gemmell's books of Italic-Italic. I have also seen ellipsis used to form a feeling of cadence in writing, which is what I was trying to accomplish.
About the phone, if you have multiple phones in your house, unplugging one will not stop a caller. The only way to prevent the phone from ringing is to leave the line open... or run around the house unplugging every phone.
I use miserable several times, yes, but I am in the process of re-writing, along with the grammar problems I tend to make en fantasy route.

I appreciate the critique very much, and it does show that some things need to be addressed in writing. It is my belief that readers take what they want from the story, and I am glad for your careful review. I can change my writing to encompass whatever is suggested, but there will always be someone who has trouble seeing the portrait someone tries to make with words. You're helping me capture that person as well as other readers.

[Piper Sullivan]

Alright, well I definitely don't know what's going to happen at this point in time, and I'm interested :) So that's a good thing! I have a number of reservations about this chapter and I'll try my best to make this critique helpful.

The first thing I noticed was that you have a very nice vocabulary and basic sentence structure. For some reason, however, I felt like you were cramming in large words one after another in the beginning. That dwindles quite a bit after the introduction, but I had to reread the introduction to actually gather what was going on. "Frigid," "eternal," "marrow," and "caress" are all in the first sentence, and sometimes less is more. Sometimes putting more advanced (although these aren't really qualified as advanced, they're just a little more precocious, I guess) words just clog up the meaning behind the original sentence, and I will admit that it was a struggle getting through the introduction for that reason.

"The wraith-like girl did not see the scarlet blooms flowering from the frigid ground around her misery" is a sentence I had some problems with. I like the 'scarlet blooms,' portion, but 'around her misery' is a really abstract concept that I can not picture.

This is me just nitpicking, but "All was blackness, an eternal well of nothing outside the halo of light she found herself kneeling in. The only color was red, her own blood seeping from every pore to stain the purity of the soft, powdery white" sounds really nice but is contradictory, because white is technically a color, and if the blood is seeping into white, then red is not the only color present in this scene ;)

" [...] she cried tears of blood and hid her face, as pale and smooth as a snow drift itself" actually made me laugh because crying tears of blood, although apparently possible, has become quite the cliche over time and can only be done under extremely intense moments of stress. If she merely wept I think this would do the trick and avoid any fingers being pointed towards triteness so early in the story. And by this time, it's been clarified that her skin is pale. I don't think it needs to be reiterated again, or any reference to being akin to snow, etc.

Some little things, "per say" is actually written, "per se." I would try to limit your use of ellipsis dots because every well-written book I come across doesn't have a plethora of them, especially not multiple times in a single sentence. For example, "Everything I know� all I touch� I ruin� all�" could be changed into something like, "Everything I know," she said, choking back a sob, "all I touch... I ruin all." Notice how it breaks up her dialogue and gives an impression of a pause without actually stating it with ellipses? Again, this is just a personal nitpick and trick of mine, so take it for a grain of salt.

So once I got done with the initial introduction I thought it picked up pace. Something I noticed, however, is that the voice that Andrea hears is in italics, and yet, some of Andrea's thoughts are also in italics. This is confusing to me because, if we are to understand that Andrea has a voice talking to her and that voice comments in italics, it would make sense that no one else communicates via italics. An example of Andrea's thoughts being italicized is, "Oh no� it's never what he says at first, never!" I won't believe that this is the voice saying this, but it confused me nonetheless.

I actually like Andrea. I like that she's annoyed and frustrated with herself and seems a little helpless. I loathe Matt. I don't find him charming or funny or anything. I mean, what is his problem, calling someone at 3 AM who obviously doesn't want to speak with him? I don't know, he really grated on me. If he's to be a main character, he needs to mature up a little. If he's supposed to come off as an obnoxious character, then you did a great job. If he was supposed to come off as cute, I think decreasing the amount of whining and annoyance he's inflicting on the main character, Andrea, is a start. If he was really worried about her, he wouldn't be doing that anyway.

A little nitpick I noticed: why didn't Andrea just unplug the phone rather than holding the "talk" button to keep him from calling? She could just switch off her cell phone and unplug the phone and problem solved. Bye bye Matty. Of course, we wouldn't have the second conversation between them, but I thought that was kind of a hole in the story.

So right now I'm assuming that the 'girl' in the introduction is Andrea. I see here that 'misery' is used three times to describe her situation in this single chapter. The problem I have with this is that it's telling. You're telling the reader that she's miserable. You should show her misery. Why is she miserable? I mean, I can see why, but build on that. Really make the reader feel sympathetic towards her. Otherwise she'll end up being an unsympathetic damsel in distress that no one could care less about. There's a fine line you must walk.

SO. That's all I have to say, I think. There were a couple minor grammatical errors that I didn't mention, but as you said, this needs revision, as do all of our drafts. I think you could have something great here, so keep up the good work. Sorry this turned out so ridiculously long but I hope you can take these things into consideration. If you have any qualms about my review or want to clarify something that I might have missed, don't hesitate to message me :)

Thanks for the read!
Piper

[Emil Straton]

The relationship is hard to explain. But Matt didn't originally call in the first place to see if she was alright or not, and when she becomes upset he tends to go away to let her sulk, not one willing to be around unhappiness. It'll clear up in the next chapter, when I finally get around to revising it. Thank you for your critique.

[Gravedigger]

Well, I thought it was very good. one thing that I would recommend is revising the part where matt hangs up after he says "hey are you all right" because he already knows that she is not all right. That was the whole point of him calling her and asking if he could come over and cheer her up! also, try to define their relationship a little better; how deep does it go, and why? If he is not an extraordinarily important character, then it is fine to not elaborate, but if the connection is significant, focus it a little better. It also is a little atrange to me that he would not leave her alone before and then suddenly goes when she asks. why the change of mind? These things would clear it up immensely, but I am still hungering for the next chapter.

please keep in mind that this is only my opinion. If it doesn't make much sense, I apologize.
You have my undivided attention though!

[Dawn]

You know I love it hun, and you write beautifully, i love the creative spark you have...

Dawn