Chapter Four: Remember

 

 

     “So, you’re really giving me another chance?” Alex spoke softly as he pushed me gently on the swing. My hands gripped the chains tighter, “yea,” I answered. Alex stopped pushing me. I felt him move from behind me to my right side, and sat on the swing next to me. He ran his hand through his hair and exhaled loudly.

     I was still swinging slowly back and forth, but I planted my feet into the ground and stopped. I looked at him, “What’s wrong?”

     He tried to let out a laugh, it came out broken, “It’s just, after everything I did, everything I said, and after already giving me a second chance, you still sit here with me. You still want to be friends.”

     I looked off into the distance. I let the breath whoosh out of me. “I know. I don’t know why either.”

     We just sat there thinking for a while. “Nicole?”

     I turned to look at Alex again. His blue eyes sparkled in the light from the setting sun. “Yea?”

     “I think we should bring it all into the open. One last time. Then we can discuss everything, and hopefully put it in the past. Just forget about it.”

     I shook my head. “No, not forget. I could never forget. Besides, you shouldn’t forget, everything happens for a reason.”

     His eyes crinkled. “Fair enough. But just discuss it then? So that hopefully this won’t happen again.”

     I studied his face for a long time. He looked sincere, looked like he really meant what he said. But that wasn’t enough; actors can do that in any movie or show. They can play a character they really aren’t, and in my opinion, most of the people in the world have got that down pact. I needed to feel his sincerity. And I knew how. I looked right at Alex’s blue eyes; I let go of everything and just felt. I felt the small breeze blowing my hair about. I felt the metal my hands desperately clung to. I felt the heat radiating from the slowly setting sun. I felt the same heat dying with every inch the sun went down. Then I started to feel more. I felt the essences of people, animals, plants. I felt Alex’s presence next to mine. I felt his sincerity, his worry, all of his feelings emanating off of his body, off of his aura.

     I slowly let my natural senses come back to me, so I wouldn’t be feeling too much, and nodded. “Okay, let’s.”

     He took a deep breath. “How did you feel, after what I told you in the car?” he asked me.

     I thought about it. “I felt a lot of things.” I replied. “Shock, elation, wonder.”

     “Can you elaborate?” He questioned.

     “Sure.” I tried to formulate words, “I never thought you would actually apologize for what you did to me. And after a year of not talking…I guess I sort of got used to it. So then I wondered, what’s going to happen next? And why did this happen? Really, I wondered, and still wonder, too many things to say. But I also felt happy, because I thought, maybe I’d finally have a chance and being your friend. And then I didn’t understand why I felt happy at that, because I had grown used to you not being in my life.” I tried my best to explain.

     Alex took a few minutes to digest this information. “Well, to try and answer your questions at least,” he started, “I don’t know what’s going to happen next, and I don’t know why I did what I did, but I know I apologized because I wanted to. Because I wanted to be your friend, and I felt bad for hurting you.”

     I nodded slowly. Then I asked my own question, “Was I really that repulsive?”

     Alex winced at my word choice. “At the time, I thought you were.” He admitted. “But I just wasn’t seeing things properly. Once I found out you liked me, I thought ‘well I don’t like her, but she’s cool, so I’ll be her friend’. But then when you started showing up everywhere, I thought it was creepy, and I needed to get away, so I pretended to have a girlfriend. When that didn’t work, I was just rude and abrupt.”

     I blinked, my eyes going wide. “So Christina was made up?”

     Alex nodded slowly, looking ashamed.

     After Alex learned of my feelings for him, he told me to stop hanging around him so much, because his friends were getting the wrong impression. They were thinking he and I were a couple. I had said that was ridiculous, to which he replied his girlfriend Christina was getting upset.

     “I see.” Was all I said.

     “I’m sorry.”

     “It’s in the past.” I tried to brush it off.

     We were silent for a little while longer, and then I voiced another question of mine. “Why were you so nice to me before you found out? And then why were you so nice when I brought up your rudeness? And how it made me feel…”

     Alex cocked his head to the side, pondering. He looked at the ground and started playing with the toe of his shoe in the sand. Then he looked up at me, “Before I found out…about your feelings…I knew you were a cool person. And you are! So I figured I should get to know you. Maybe you could chill with me and my friends sometimes, you know?” He paused. “And then, after I found out, I realized you had more than a crush on me. And I wasn’t interested in you that way.” Alex looked away from me as he said this. He stopped for another second, and then looked back up at me, “So I tried to avoid you. And when you did run into me in the halls, which was often you must admit, I over exaggerated. It felt to me like you were following me or something, becoming too obsessed. I thought maybe I could distance myself from you; maybe leaving some space would make things better. But then you’d always get hurt. And you would come find me, ask me what you did wrong. And really, you didn’t do anything significantly wrong, so I felt so bad. I felt like I was hurting you for no reason. And when you’re hurt, you’re eyes, they go all…big and green. And it makes me feel worse.” He tried to giggle, but to no avail. “So I felt compelled to apologize, to try and fix what I had started to break.”

     I tried to sink all of this information in, but my brain was starting to ache. So was the rest of me, it was too much to think and feel at once. Nevertheless, I plowed on. “And then you ditched.” I whispered.

     “Yes.” Alex also whispered. “I felt I had to. I thought maybe if I got away, it would be better for both of us. But then I always felt rotten. Especially the way I left, calling you a freak and telling you to stay away from me. Writing in my MSN name ‘yay I finally got rid of Nicole’. It was cruel and heartless. I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I did it.” his voice got softer at the end.

     “Alex, you keep saying you don’t know why you did it, but you just gave me a lot of reasons.” I pointed out. 

     “But they aren’t reasons, they’re excuses!” He almost yelled, gripping the chain on the swing until his fist turned white.

     “They aren’t excuses. They’re just, not amazing reasons.”

     “Fine.” He grudgingly agreed.

     I just looked at him for a while, unsure of what to say or do next. There was much more we could talk about, but could my brain handle it? Should I be the one to ask another question? I was saved from making a decision, however, when Alex voiced his question next.

     “How did you feel?” He whispered, looking at the sand again.

     “That’s a broad question Alex.” I slowly started swinging back and forth again. “How did I feel about what?”

     “Everything. Like why did you like me? How did you feel towards me? How did you feel when I treated you well? When I treated you poorly?” Questions started tumbling out of Alex’s mouth, one after another, without pause. I looked at him imploringly. He stopped the rush of questions. I continued to sway slowly, thinking.

     “That’s asking a lot. For me and you. Are you sure you want to hear it?” I arched an eyebrow.

     He thought for a moment or so. “Yes.”

     “Okay.” I took a huge breath. “I liked you because you were cute, charming, funny, and sweet. You were polite and you were someone I could hold interesting conversations with. I don’t know why I loved you like I did, love just is. But those are some reasons I was attracted to you.” I took a brief pause, not wanting to go overboard. When Alex didn’t make a move to disagree or interrupt, I continued. “When you treated me well, obviously I was happy. But I was silly, I exaggerated like you did, making your actions and words seem more than they actually were.” I breathed in again. This was going to be the hardest one to voice aloud. “When you treated me poorly…” I shook my head, “It was like, my world was falling apart. That’s what it’s like when you think you’re in love, and you’re a teenager.” I gave a half smile. “I would wonder what I did wrong, why you were angry with me, how I could make it better, if I could even make it better. What would I do now? How would I deal if you left forever? Why did I care so much? I would cry in my room, or talk to someone about how sad I was…” I couldn’t go on, it was quite obvious.

     I realized I was switching between looking at the sand and looking at Alex. This is probably why I didn’t notice him staring at his feet. “Alex?” I bent over to try and see his face. He looked up slowly, and I could see the hurt in his eyes, mixed with confusion. “I’m sorry.” He managed to get out. His eyes were shining.

     “It’s okay.” I said. “I forgave you once, I’m forgiving you again.”

     “But you shouldn’t. I’m a bi-polar freak!” His voice rose.

     I didn’t know what to say. “You’re not a freak.” I decided on. “But maybe you’re a little bi-polar.” I half-grinned, trying to lighten the mood, even slightly.

     Alex tried to half-grin too. “Sorry ‘bout that too.”

     “It’s fine.”

     “So, we’re cool, right?”

     “Yup.” I answered.

     Then Alex looked at the sand again. He didn’t bother to lift his face when he asked, “And you don’t like me anymore right?”

     I blinked. “In that way?”

     “Yea.”

     “No.” I replied. And for some reason, my stomach gave a lurch. I ignored it.

     “So, friends?”

     “Friends.” I smiled.

     That’s when Alex grabbed the chain from my swing to pull me closer, and hugged me. The swings were trying to tear us apart, but I clung to him too. It was like the swings were trying to break us, but we wouldn’t let them.

     We hugged for a few minutes, and then let go. Our swings swayed sideways, and we bumped into each other a few times, laughing.

     “It’s almost ten thirty.” Alex looked at his watch. “You’re dad will get upset if you’re not home on time.”

     “Yea.” I looked over my shoulder across the street. I could see my house from here.

     “Let’s start walking.” Alex got up and held out his hand. As if I needed it to get off the swing. I took it anyways.

     We walked back to my house in silence. I walked into the door and Alex got into his black elantra. I watched him drive off, waving at me as he turned the corner of our street. I waved, and watched his car disappear into the distance. Then I closed the door and locked it. I walked up to my room, grabbed my journal, and began to write everything that had just happened.

    

   

Author's Note

hopefully this chapter explains what happened between these two people the first time
and it's still to be continued...