On The Way to North Dakota

this is the chapter where Maybell and Demetrah are on the way up to West Fargo

About to cross the Louisiana border into Arkansas, Demetrah talks to Maybell and asks "How long does it take us to get to West Fargo?"  Maybell Looks at her GPS which is hooked on her sun visor. Maybell says to Demetrah "We're in Arkansas right now, so it will take us 14 hours and 36 minutes to get there. that means it's almost the whole day." Since they left on a Friday, they're not hurrying to get there. At a rest area, Maybell and Demetrah stop to eat lunch. They both had a sub sandwich and Mountain Dew. After they finished their lunch, they went in the rest area to grab  a map and freshen up. "Back on the road again!" exclaims Maybell Demetrah is visually impaired, and she has hardly any sight at all. Demetrah calls out for Maybell "Where are you?" Maybell begins to clap her hands to help Demetrah find her. Once the girls find each other, they get back on the road. Four hours and thirty six minutes later, Demetrah and Maybell cross the border into into Missouri. On their way into Missouri, Maybell tells Demetrah "We're now in Missouri! We've got more miles to go!" Demetrah shows here excitement by letting out a huge scream "YAHOO!" The teenage girls celebrate by putting on some music and having a sing along. "Are you tired Maybell?" Demetrah asks. "Not even close to tired, I am wide awake." Maybell says happily. Maybell tells Demetrah to get some sleep and by the time she's awake, they'll be farther north than where they are. Demetrah sleeps silently as Maybell drives more and more throughout the day. Suddenly, Maybell misses a turn she had to take. The car crashes into a pole, and the pole topples over. Tragically, the pole falls ontop of the girls' car. Maybell stops the car before it lands, and she tries to get Demetrah to wake up and get out of the car. It's too late, the pole already landed on the car, but as soon as Demetrah hears the pole...she wakes up and feels he way out. "I can't see anything." Demetrah sadly tells Maybell. "Oh no." Maybell says. "Even though you can't see anymore, I am still here to help you." Maybell says with a relief. A few minutes later, Maybell checks the car for any damage. Luckily for the girls, the pole didn't do any damage or anything. All it did was wreck some of the paint. Relieved, the girls get back on the road. This time, Maybell remembered to turn. Eleven hours and thirty minutes later, Maybell and Demetrah make it into Minnesota! Maybell tells Demetrah "We are getting close! all we need to do now is cross the border into North Dakota, and head to West Fargo!" Demetrah taps her friend's leg. "That's awesome sauce!" Demetrah says, and bursts out laughing with joy. Demetrah turns up the radio looking for a good tune, and her favorite song Overcomer by Mandisa is playing. "Oh my gosh! Maybell, listen to this. It's my FAVORITE song!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" As the teens listen to the song, they start singing along with it. When the song ends, Demetrah cries with joy . "I love that song so much, it's like my lucky charm." Maybell laughs and says "I will buy the cd for you when Christmas comes." Keeping the fact in her mind that Maybell is driving, she says "Thanks Girl!" They usually hug, but they can't while on the road. "We've got 5 hours and 51 minutes until we cross the border into North Dakota!" Maybell says with excitement in her voice. The girls both yell out "Yesssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Despite the loss of the vision Demetrah had left, she was having so much fun. Now seven hours later, they're almost in West Fargo. With Demetrah asleep, Maybell stays quiet and focuses on driving 17 more minutes. Later, Maybell hears Demetrah sleep singing. Demetrah is singing her favorite song. Finally, the girls arrive in West Fargo. Now Maybell wakes Demetrah up and says "Hey, we're in West Fargo Now. Wake up." Demetrah wakes up with joy, and reminds Maybell how overjoyed she is. They made it to West Fargo, all they need to do now is find a Days Inn hotel.

Reviews

[ANTO]

The tense of this was the first thing that struck me Arizona - and it kept on striking me a person would slap another to bring them round. There's nothing wrong with using the present tense but I find it hard enough to deal with past tense stories - so it was awkward reading for me. It read like a stage play - full of direction.

Im no story writer myself (nor reviewer as you can tell) but on encountering this piece I looked up tenses in storywriting and found this helpful article -
"...Doing anything unexpected or out of the ordinary in novel writing represents an obstacle your readers will have to get over.

Using the present tense is only a tiny obstacle (but an obstacle nonetheless). Using, I don't know, the second person imperative (or something equally daft) is a huge, huge obstacle, and probably one that readers - and more importantly, publishers - won't be able to overcome.

But using first person or third person point of view in the past tense is "invisible" to readers, because it is what they expect. Readers won't even notice it, meaning they will be able to concentrate instead on what really matters: the story you are telling."

source: http://www.novel-writing-help.com/past-tense.html

keep at it my friend. :))