Directions Suck!

Paper from 2007 I wrote for school.

“Hurry up; we can’t hold this thing up anymore.” Said a skinnier version of me, aka, my mom.

Who by this time was probably getting arm cramps from holding our brand new generator up. I on the other hand, was lying on the ground trying to put the legs on the bottom of it so it would sit upright.

“Well it’s not that easy you know.” I told her with a little bit of a growl in my voice.

Seriously, these directions sucked! You’d have to be brain damaged not to comprehend them, but apparently that’s just what I am, brain damaged to the highest degree. The pictures were so tiny, parts could be easily mistaken.

“All right I’m finished.” I said backing away, a feeling off triumph welling up inside me.

My mom and neighbor, Ken, put down the generator and stretched their arms. Ken and his wife were kind enough to help my mom and me with our new ‘180 lb hard to miss’ generator. As I looked from the generator to the directions in my hand, I came to a horrible realization…I put the nuts and screws on wrong.

Any and all feelings of triumph I had were now replaced by complete misery and despair. I felt stupid for getting it wrong and horrible because Ken and my mom have to lift the generator up again. ‘Oh man! Oh man! I messed up! Now I have to tell them! Crap! I hope their not mad at me!’

“Mom.” I crocked out. She turned and looked at me with confusion on her face.

“What?” She asked.

“Well, I kinda, sorta put the screws for the legs on wrong.” I winced expecting her to be angry with me.

“Oh well, then let’s fix it. Ken are you ready?” She said getting to one side of the generator.

I resolved to get it right this time, so I hurriedly looked at the pictures again. This time I knew I had it right. So once again I lay down on the pavement, my fingers rapping around the screw and twisting. It was sharp and dug slightly into my skin but not to deep as to make me bleed. When I was done with the first I grabbed the other leg screw and fixed it. I was so sure of myself I didn’t check the directions to make sure; I figured I had it right.

But boy was I wrong. As I backed away and finally looked at the directions again my eyes widened in horror.

“Urgh!” I growled loudly.

“What’s up?” My cheery neighbor Diane, Ken’s wife, asked me.

“I put them on wrong again.” I sighed completely defeated.

Now I really felt useless and just wanted to go to my room and listen to my ipod. Yes I can be emo if I want to. I was afraid that this time I would get scolded but instead my mom dismissed it with a wave of her hand.

“Oh well. It’s good enough for now. Dad can fix it later if he wants.” She said in a bored tone.

At this point I felt really stupid. I mean who in their right mind gets it wrong twice in a row? Well apparently I’m not in my right mind, I just proved that one. ‘I’ve got to have some type of brain problem.’ I thought. I sat back and watched as my mom plugged the machine in after putting the oil in to make it run.

The yellow generator looked more like a plastic box with a few buttons and a pull string to start it. The underside of the generator is where the motor was. As my mom yanked on the string we all anticipated a rumble and then the sound of a lawn mower to start. But that didn’t happen.

“Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrh…….” Was all we heard before there was completely nothing. I stared at the machine with disdain.

‘What’s going on? The stupid thing should have started already! They have done every thing their supposed to why is it not working? Does it honestly just hate us that much?’ I thought.

“Maybe it needs to be pulled harder?” Ken suggested. As he said that he pulled the string hard.

“Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrh…….” It stopped again.

I just glared at it like it had grown a second head. My mom and neighbors argued about what they should do about turning it on. ‘We should press this and we should do that’ was all just going in one ear and out the other for me because I decided to try the horrible directions one more time. I picked the small book up and kneeled in front of the generator.

‘Hmmm. It shows here that you need to….ohhhhh. That’s why it won’t start.’ I now smacked my self upside the head like in the V8 juice commercials. I leaned over and pushed a green button and pulled a red knob. Then I pulled the string but I had to try to pull it again because the resistance it gave me startled me.

“Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrh!”

‘Yes!’ I thought, punching the air with my fist.

“Lisa….what did you do?” My mom asked.

“Heh. I pushed this button, pulled this knob, and then pulled the string!” I told her. My feelings of triumph were slowly returning.

“Huh. Well I guess we should ask you to help out more often.” I smiled at her as she said this.

“Just don’t go near any directions that require you to put things together.” This time I pouted blushing from embarrassment.

I felt as if I was on top of the world. Ok so what if it seems kinda dull but hey, beggars can’t be choosers. ‘So get off my back because I sure feel great about myself right now.’ By the way….be sure to read directions carefully. It sure may save you from embarrassment. Take it from me, directions may seem stupid but they save a lot of trouble. But they still SUCK!

Author's Note

Another old paper. Comments and feedback welcome!